Petite Fee

in your face.

2009-04-06T14:55:00.000-07:00

yes, i will be annoying and in your face.

here is my wishlist for my birthday. mom, dont think that because you are far away you wont be involved in this. :P okay so nevermind, you are exempted. but other people, in UK, AHEM AHEM... i would love to have an ipod, a TV and a new handbag, preferably a designer one.

hahahahahahaha.

that and a pair of really nice heels. and really nice dress to go along with it. and a sponsored haircut.

ahhh i wish i am back in brunei to do and HAVE all these things. :P i also want the chocolate cake i love so much in coffee zone. but wait, i want dinner at escapade sushi. and then dessert at swensen's ice cream restaurant. and then a walk along the beach at night. if i was to be at home, this would be how i would have spent it. dinner, dessert, beach, nice company. a family dinner is fine too. that way i get more prezzies. what girl doesnt like receiving gifts anyway? :P

well here, from what i can guess, this year it is going to be a bit different. it will be in...paris. the city of love. and i still want to do the whole dinner and dessert plus maybe du vin and then a night out in town. i would love to take a walk around the eiffel at night again though. i remember how lovely it was the first time i did that. i want to feel that feeling again.

my gift to myself this year is... a spiritual balance. i started this year with really no resolutions in mind. i am not about to say that i will have now. i just want to find that peace in me again. i felt that last year. a sense of balance, stability and peace. so i am going to try and reach that level again... and not lose focus on what my priorities are.

see. i CAN be a good girl when i want to. now where is my ipod, flatscreen TV and my designer handbag? or and a car too please so i can drive me ass around! :P

Green Blob and... Home.

2009-04-03T19:05:00.000-07:00

easily my favourite thing at my place right now. <3

that feeling of wanting to go back to brunei is getting stronger and stronger everyday. it grabs me, really really grabs me. i have been contemplating the reasons why i would want to go home. i want to see my family. i want to see my friends. i want to see familiar faces. i want to be at a place where i feel that, as bad as it is, i feel somehow like i belong. sure there is no such thing as feeling like you really belong somewhere. it is a matter of adaptation- but that's just it. things change too fast here i cant really follow the train...its like i am always running after the last bus of the day. it's the same for 'home' too of course. to me home isnt really a place. home is the place where your heart is. where your loved ones are. so technically it can be anywhere... and right now, it definitely isnt here in Besac...at all...

i dont think it is a matter of weakness. or homesickness. i think it is a matter of taking it to the limit, testing it and seeing if you could go beyond. and right now i am waaay beyond, i took it to the limit but i am just done going forward. right now, i want to just be at a place where my motives wont be questioned, my being as a person is very much appreciated without conditions...basically i want to be at a place where i feel loved. and cherished. and appreciated. unconditionally. and this is only possible...with family. with my mom. my two little siblings whom i miss so much. and the band. and friends.

dont get me wrong. i like my life here. i have all the space i need, privacy and freedom to do as i wish. but nothing beats that feeling of being hugged by someone you love so much. nothing beats being around your family. nothing beats the fattening yet delicious food we have in brunei. ambuyat for example. i used to think that i am detached from all these things but they do come to your mind sometimes.

and i guess when things get a bit too lonely, when you feel like somehow youre struggling to even get through the day, when you feel like instead of looking forward to weekends you are dreading it, then at this point, it's like an automode to self-destruction. at least for me. and yet at the same time, you are like gasping for air while you are just simply drowning. and eventually you just get tired and just let go. hoping that somehow, maybe, miraculously, you'd find yourself shored. someway or another. what better place than... 'home'?

i did a lot of things today. i went to the bank to take out some money to pay rent. which is nice. and i decided to stay with the studio instead of letting it go during the summer........... sigh. a decision that i am wishing that i wont regret. and finally i did laundry. it was a killer experience. 6.50 euros to wash and dry clothes in the laundromat is....13 brunei dollars which equals 4 packets of ciggs. like fuck fuck fuck. forced myself to look at the bright side... my clothes are clean. i have clean clothes. and lost 6.50 euros! killl meeeee. i am trying to think of other things that i am supposed to do but i cant think of any. i suppose those are the only things that are done sooooo the things in my to-do list are done done done. i am dealing with an itchy throat though. like the coughing thing and so forth. sigh.

i also miss my turtles collection. and buttermilk chicken. and the salty sea. oven-baked sand. hot humid air. sweltering heat. grilled seafood. very cold coconut juice. sunset and sunrise over the horizon. these things are just.....calling me.

And we go up to dates.

2009-03-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

updates on me. and enough about my vagueness. this is time to be square like...trafalgar square... (lol-ing alone) :)

i finally applied for my health insurance thing. yes mom, i did and it was well worth it cause the doctors here are... charging ridiculous amount of money just taking a look at your tummy and your thing down there. sigh. i know why i finally did it though. because i hate receiving hospital bills. i just realised this now. i hate them almost as much as i hate going there. it kills me. the horror. the numbers. having to GO THERE AND PAY THE GODDAMN BILL IS EVEN MORE OF A KILLER.

yes i am slightly pissed off. but only because i was stupid enough to let this happen. if i had only......(slaps self) no time for regrets.

what else? life has been pretty much low key for me. i have so so many hours of being alone that i am starting to think like a hermit. but it isnt really that bad, being alone, it forces you to really think about stuff. and have conversations with yourself, and getting deep into ur inner soul...........right.

it has been interesting though. the morning walks to school while listening to music. my favourite songs and how they can really make a difference as to how your day go. or even if it doesnt, its nice to have a song that can complement how you feel. lately i have been listening to HIM, Bullet for my Valentine and The Cure. Weird combination but it works all the same. i especially love listening to Wings of a Butterfly by HIM. this song does wonder but still it cant compare to Tears don't fall by BFMV.

which goes without saying that because i have more time alone now, i began to listen to music again and it's nice, i have been meaning to listen to some songs and now i get to hear them, as angry as they seem to be.

hmmm my eating habits changed drastically though. i eat...to survive now. it's weird. i am developing a problem i think. hahahaha... no really though, i do eat. but i have a different pattern and habit of eating now. it's kind of ridiculous to explain here. it's like putting yourself in front of a shooting squad.

this weekend... i have no plan. like specific ones. i have several work lined up, one of them is a topic that i am supposed to discuss in class which is about Sarkozy and his reforms and whether or not he is an Illusionist. this kind of sucks for me cause i dont know much on this topic... i also have to translate a document... and the list goes on.

i miss my family. very much. i miss my brother arif. i really really miss him and it is to the point of............ argh. i just want to see familiar faces, its kind of scary to suddenly not see the faces you are used to seeing anymore. i used to be able to detach myself from such things. i dont know what it is, i suppose i have turned a bit more sentimental about these things. which is disgusting and i should stop now.

eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

oh oh. and what else is on the calendar? me living 2 decades of life. 20. oh how i dread. it isnt really the fact that i hate the idea of getting old, though technically yes, i do hate this. its also the fact that it will be the first birthday where i dont spend it with anyone remotely special. family-, friends- and special person- wise. last year it was at JP with the band, and amal and H. last last year it was at Pantai Resto with Q and Z and a surprise gift and appearance from someone. basically, yes, i am spoiled with these things... it's like Valentine's day. where i always get flowers from my mother, i had this feeling too but then again, i had a really awesome one so i wont complain about that. now... it's like, going to be very... i dont know. i suppose i am training myself to not think so much into it. it's just a...birthday. nyeh... i cant even be bothered making up a wishlist and hinting everyone with it cause i am not with "everyone" right now. HAHA. okay so i am whining a bit...but i am allowed right?

...

i suppose there are other more tragic things happening in the world so i will rest it there at that point. other than that, i am just...living.

Make the best out of everything you have.

2009-03-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

i have this little pot just outside my door and all winter it was barren, no leaves. but now, there are little flowers starting to bloom. and that is when i know winter is over and spring is somewhat in the air. yet the sky is still grey, rain is still falling and oh, i feel oh so cold.

and that is when it all started again. a rush of emotions.

Les petit mots pour lui.

2009-03-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

Seether... Careless Whisper...

2009-03-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Was visiting EpicFrequency's blog and like, this song was recommended. Checked it out and it was beautiful. I loved the cover. Enjoy.

safe haven.

2009-03-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

we all want a place where we could feel safe. a place that feels like home and makes you feel at ease and at your best. a place where you feel like you have people with you who mean something to you and that you can have meaningful conversations with. that's a safe place for me. yet in life, we are always thrown to places far away from that 'safe place'. and there are reasons for this... we dont want to be too wrapped up in our own little worlds. the bigger world out there isnt safe, it's a jungle where everyone is basically looking out for themselves. that is the ultimate lesson, that at the end of the day, it's a matter of survival. everyone will just want to save themselves. you just have to keep up.

for instance, i wouldnt exactly say that i feel oh-so-safe here. i felt safe back home, despite the circumstances i faced, i felt safe anyway because i had my mother, my bestfriends and the people i love. i was doing things i love too. but at the back of my head i always knew that i would face the 'real world' soon enough... i wanted to anyway. so unconsciously i prepared myself for this. and i must say i did prepare myself well. being in the real world, makes life worth living. and then when i arrived here, completely alone when i first came, i immediately knew that wow, yes, they are right, this isnt going to be easy. and it wasnt. the language barrier, a totally new culture, different types of people... what is a little girl like me to do? i faced them... the first few weeks were rough, doing all these admin works, endless trips to prefecture, sfr, agency, househunting... new people entering and this was especially a problem.

letting people in has never been an easy thing you know? you know it has to be done, but that doesnt make it easy. so i felt unsafe, exposed, vulnerable. however, as my character wouldnt let me, i had to plough through... i had no choice. i might have made oh-so-many mistakes along the way but at the end of the day what mattered was that, i got through. and i settled in well, i had friends. but i guess the thing that still agonise me is... changes. when people left. it is especially so in my case where in my course, people dont stay. they stay for a while and they go and this constant change makes me more reserved than usual. it's like, nothing is ever permanent here.

if i had just stayed in brunei, i would be safe. but would it be living life to the fullest? if i dont do this now, then when would it be? why would i want to stay safe in brunei when i know that i would be staying there for the rest of my life and would end up feeling 'safe' anyway? it's a path. and i am still in it... and so far, i went through some sweet, bitter, painful times but these are still experiences. i know for sure now though that somehow right now, i feel...numb.

it's a familiar thing. what does one do when one feels...numb? auto-mode takes over. i continue doing the same things, despite feeling that hollow numbness. i am used to do this anyway...doing things unfeelingly. doing things without any particular emotions...

i am going home summer it seems... i am hoping that it will make me feel better. seeing my mother, my family, my friends over there, REAL sunshine with REAL heat... hopefully i will feel less cold inside. less...numb? i dont know.

the clock is ticking tick-tock tick-tock.

Running Adidas.

2009-03-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

The bridge that I cross everyday. The walk up, exhausting I tell you... But it works out the ass.

There was a strike today.....again. I am expecting more to come during this spring. Especially with what has been going on in France and now that the weather is warmer. Like, really really warm. I felt my hair... burning. But it was great. Me and a friend went to have lunch and just sat at Place de Revolution watching the manifestation.

Place de la Revolution. This was also where the Christmas market was held.

Can you see the people half-naked on the Fountain? That was how...warm it was.

See how nice it was? Everyone was just outside, basking under the sun. Eating, drinking. There were also some music thing going on.

Near CLA, otw to Pont Battant.
-

Basically, it was so warm, such a beautiful day that I decided to run. It was my first real run cause I tried it once before during winter, and let me tell you, It was hell. Not only was the temperature freezing, I also didnt have proper running shoes. Macam puki. So when I was in London, I bought me a pair of running shoes. Adidas. I was never a fan but this was really, really good. The feel was right, very light, and it was just heavenly to run in these shoes. I ended up running non-stop for about 5km which I considered a feat as again, I havent really been running. I reckon that I would be starting to run everyday from now on and consider quitting nicotine addiction.

But that remains to be seen... and probably hoping for too much.

I also went swimming the other night with E. I was never a good swimmer but it was good fun, I walked all the way from Temis to home.

" I'm going home to the place where I belong

Where your love has always been enough for me

And I'm not running from.. I think you got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me'

But these places and these faces are getting old

I'm going home "

to mom.

2009-03-17T17:38:00.000-07:00

note: the first two pics... theyre thanks to izzul. :)

Lost and Found.

2009-03-16T17:42:00.000-07:00

I had a long weekend in London. Pretty much a last minute thing. Met up with some wonderful people. Went to more places than the last time I went there.

Izzul the photographer.

Oh Deebus.

I love you.

My brother who came down to London just to meet me up despite the...very last minute nature of my visit. Thank you.

Thank you...

So that is pretty much it. I might be going back home after all. Yes folks, I am. You read it right. No need to read it twice... Problem is that I still cant decide whether or not I am going back easter or summer. If I do on Easter then what would I be doing Summer? I had something planned but that thing flopped, I have no job prospects whatsoever, I don't even know if I even want to have one. So right now, it's a matter of...survival and prioritizing. I might just spend Easter in London, and then spend the whole summer in Brunei, sun and all. Family. Possibly...

On verra. We can't predict what the future brings. I realised that now. You can plan all you want but you can only see it being realised when it actually happens. But I know what I have to do. All I gotta do is to trudge on.

nuff said.

2009-02-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

i find it so hard to communicate my feelings to people. expressions and so forth. as much as possible, i avoid these things. is it sad that only very very few people have access on what is on my mind? i dont know about that but well, it doesnt really matter...

it has officially been 6 months since i left brunei. since month that i am here. it was tough at first, the transition period for me was really, really tough. but after getting over it i finally realised the true essence of being here which was to live. to just...live. i love studying here in france and although it has its disadvantages, like not being able to see the bruneian best friends as much as i would like to... it's a nice country to live in. geographically ideal too, to visit europe at least.

i asked myself if i have changed and i think i have. this particular change though, isnt exactly a straight line. at first the line went falling down, like really down but now it is going up gradually.

i can honestly say i am happy here. i have the space and privacy that i long for. that i have been longing for. the need to breathe. the freedom to decide for myself and my own life while still staying true to my roots. the soil that i need to branch out these roots... ahhh you know how it is when you are abroad. you try to experience as many things as possible. you make do many decisions everyday and 99% of these decisions are normally not decisions you would make for yourself. like... what is for dinner? what is there to buy for groceries... it's really...cool.

but if there is something that is still there...it would be this inability to express myself. this constant need to supress what i feel inside me. this thing where i just completely shut myself, even to myself.

i will stop there.

enough said.

because my life is too good.

2009-02-21T04:13:00.000-08:00

i admit my last post seem kinda... sad but i was far from feeling that when i wrote it anyway. it was more like angry and disappointment but sad, i am tired of feeling that. life is too good, too short...too beautiful. so many things have been up with me and i am feeling sooooo good.

well, my brother came to france recently and he spent 5 days in total with me. he came on a saturday, coincidentally on a valentine's day and we spent sunday afternoon just strolling in paris. speaking of which, i left besancon for paris on thursday last week, went to caen and le mont st michel with very good friends. it was amazing that place! and then on friday we got back to paris. basically my time in paris was very relaxing, it was probably the best weekend i had had so far! the weather was sunny all day, quite warm and the company i had was great so the whole combination was perfect. :) even made the usual stops at eiffel tower, notre dame, louvre and others.

and then while my brother was here with me in besancon, we had the chance to spend some quality time. we went bowling! and we even sang a duet together. ahhh and he went with me for my singing training. i miss him already. :( yes people, he went back to london yesterday.

i have no school monday and tuesday cause my teachers went for a mission. :) my plans? study. study. study. and maybe insert a bit of fun... ;)

have you ever?

2009-02-18T15:17:00.001-08:00

have you ever felt like you are in a tunnel and you cant seem to find your way out? that everywhere you see is darkness. have you ever been slapped on the face with a force so strong, you feel completely numb after that? not just physically but by words. have you ever felt like nothing could hurt you until you find yet another thing that does and you see the world as you rebuilt it, crash for oh-the-unknownth-time.

have you ever felt like you are just afraid to cry because you are afraid of a breakdown? have you ever felt so lonely you are simply going crazy inside?

what is more, have you ever felt so tired of feeling like these... yet you hold on. because that is the only thing you can do.

have you ever had the SAME words being thrown at you oh-so-many times by different people and yet you still repeat the same mistakes by just letting people get into your life and affect your feelings? have you ever been thought as...crazy? have you ever felt like you have your heart being slowly twisted, cut, squeezed and you are simply...helpless?

have you... ever felt like you want to run away so bad but you keep on running in circles instead? have you ever missed so many people without even knowing why, and that it actually hurts?

have you ever felt like you are seen as somebody you are simply not yet you feel like you HAVE to be that person as that is what is expected from you? have you ever felt like you just want to... let go and cry but being unable to because you HAVE to be strong?

do you know how tiring it is to hear people telling you off and keep on telling you to be strong and strong and strong... when you know deep inside you are not?

well, whatever. i am not so sure myself.

i dig my toes into the sand...

2009-02-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

"i wish you were here"

"tonight we drink to youth"

"further down the river..."

"i dig my toes into the sand..."

"i think you would only last with him for...."

these words, these phrases we said...

sandy beaches. cute bikinis. our favourite banana boat. :)

back when nothing else matters but OUR happiness and each other. back when it was...really...really... cool.

back when the sea, the ocean, the sun and the beach were like...air to us.

closest thing to crazy

2009-02-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

what is the craziest thing you have done? no doubt, i have quite a few. my friends would remember high school days...ohhhh the horror! oh the fun. taking things to the limits. the daring spirit. or basically the i-dont-fucking-care attitude. aahhh fun fun fun.

and no this isnt a post about... the crazy things i did. but i am pretty sure everyone has a bit of an idea of what kind of crazy things i did. and i am sure each and one of you has this. fuck it. i am not about to judge and so do you. it was fun while it lasted wasnt it?

no no... i am also not going to talk about what crazy things i did in france. nothing seems to really faze me anymore. or shock me. it's kinda sad. i grew stronger but at the same time, more emotionally...vulnerable. exposed. the need to retaliate and act out is... getting weaker which only shows just how... exposed i am. do we ever learn from mistakes?

besancon is so crazy grey and rainy and it is sooooo annoying. depressing. this morning started out really really bad. i missed the bus by a few seconds, i was just...behind it when it just....left. so i walked and rain started falling and it became heavier by the second. then the horror... i was walking when a car passed by tres rapidement et voilaaaaaaaaa... i got splashed and my books were messed up.

it didnt get any better during the day too. cause by the end of the first lesson, i was just tooooo tired. and the day dragged on and by 3 pm, i was only toooooooooooooo happy to be back home, all warm and snuggly. hugs anyone? at least lunch was good today.

i havent heard from anyone!!!!!!!!!! it's annoying. deebs, seem slike we're skyping again tonight. ahh i love you like i love my laughing cow. HAHA

ma famille

2009-02-04T16:20:00.001-08:00

family in France?

my Filifina family.

my family in B. :)

=) the good people in life?

my family too- epic Frequency

my Darwisy!

hi everyone. i just want to talk about my day. i received a call from my Aunt. for those who know me well, well i am talking about my aunt who was also my teacher before back when i was in MS. :) she is getting married so congratulations! i miss her very much, all of them cousins in brunei. the wedding is taking place in my place and me being here is so sad cause i am missing a wedding of a very important person!!!! and to think, the next generation who would be getting married is my generation, i dont have any other aunt or uncle who is getting married so this is biggggg... anyway from what i heard from her and my mom, the wedding is going smoothly and according to plans, despite of course, the infamous electricity cuts. :) i miss my family! and i want to see the beach. i miss sandy beaches, hot temperature and sunny cloudless daysssss...

unfeeling?

2009-02-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

this was at Bern, Switzerland. :) i want to go here again. um, please? anyone interested?

i try not to entertain sentiments. i always say i dont um, feel things. it's like a wall that i put around me. and i am sick of this wall. i want to break free. being in the confines of these walls, it gave me limited access to a sense of... freedom. i want to start taking risks again. i want to be worried. i want to actually...care. i dont think i can ever be that person who does something really against what she believes in and what she wants to do and not feel anything again. because i used to be able to do that. do something totally shocking and just not feel...anything.

and i used to pride myself with that. it's almost like an ability of some sort. to be able to just... feel nothing. but i cant. it's like you are dead and unfeeling. and in love, it's like you dont really feel anything. in life, it's like you are not really living it. doesnt that contradict everything about...life? unfeeling but at the same time 'living' yet how can you live when you dont...feel. right?

i am writing this after the erasmus party i went to.. i dont know what time it is. but yeah, the party was great. we met a lot of interesting people. you know, the kind of people you laugh about after, when you are with your friends. it's good though, that they do these things cause this is how you meet people. not necessarily people you want to date or go out with but simply meeting people. of course in a sense it is sad cause for some people, meeting others is a necessity...it's like a proof that you exist cause others can see you and you can see them. do you think that is what they meant by being so...'alive' when they meet other people?? anyway, it is also good for speaking french. relearning everything again and trying to get that confidence, the same or at least nearly the same level to speak french like how i speak english or malay.

oh i dont have classes on friday. i made sure that my schedule is freeeeeeeeee. which is good cause this works long-term. how is everyone anyway? for those who actually reads this, leave something on the chatbox and tell me how you guys are. really, i'd appreciate it. :)

my weird thinking mode annoying super super annoying day. like really.

2009-02-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

today started out a bit... weirdly. i feel so much stressed and my head is spinning (it still is...). is there any way i can handle this stress better? drugs anyone? (haha...)

my classes were as usual, great. i love what i am doing although i am starting to feel a bit... grrr... stressed? i cant help but think of what exactly am i doing here. it's like, you know that you are doing this course but you dont exactly know where it will bring you. and this uncertainty of where exactly i will end up is scary. all my life i have always known that i would get the scholarship, it was what i was working for all my life and now that i have it, it's like... um what? what now?

of course, at the same time, i do the things that are expected. go to class, learn something, socialise, live and basically just...live. the phase where i felt lost and a bit weird has now passed and now that i see things more clearly... it is a bit like going for a drive and just driving forward but not exactly knowing where to go? it's like, when you miss a turn, you just say... "um oops?" but you kept on moving anyway. is this normal? like, this is how life is right...? you just keep on going and going and see what adventures and what things you see on the way and still searching for that one place where you feel like you belong completely. where you feel complete. will this search ever end?

this search for a sense of belonging, a sense of completement (is there such a word? because i have no idea... we do have this word in french but it means a different thing...errrr...) is what constantly drives me forward. this search for something. always looking forward into...something and you just dont know what it is. being here doesnt help cause i am in a place where everything seems to stay the same. i am not in the place where everything seems to...move and change. and because i am a person who seems to complement her surroundings, this kind of place could drive me crazy by just staying...the same.

and if before i would just let this be, let this somekind of a rotting thing get me, now i move myself even though the things around me arent. forcing myself to do things. going out there (even though there arent that... many but is it really? since... if u dont go out and find out, how would you know right?) and try not to feel and depend so much because i really really dont want to repeat the same mistakes that i did... dependence. hope. faith.

i suppose i am thinking out loud. today has been stressful for me in so many levels. i am feeling things i am not supposed to feel, and before this would completely break me down... but i guess when you had your worse thing and managed to climb back up, the last place you'd want to go is to go back to the rot... so right now all i could do is just... go on and on and be accepting... disregard my feelings... be completely... zen?

yes. yes. i am a bit crazy. hahahahaha... :)

better in time

2009-02-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

and i think i have found myself again. for a while i felt a bit lost, and out of focus... i lost the balance that i once proudly stood on. but now, i am better. i know what i want to do, and i will stand by them no matter what.

all i know is, i am gonna be okay. i wont let anything bring me down... i know better than to depend on anyone. at the end of the day, we stand on our own two feet and it should always be like that.

i miss my family. my friends. i especially miss my golden room...

my life now. zennnnn~

2009-01-27T17:32:00.000-08:00

and i have always been such a dork it seems. :)

so i havent been updating for a while now. i suppose you guys could tell why. or not. since really, i have been not in touch with most people... its a bit scary how fast we are all growing up and away from each other.

i have been...

- busy. i finally started my semester course and i have decided on taking 3 optional subjects of which one of them would be contemporary history of france. mind you...this is in french.

- calmer. life is too beautiful to be taken for granted. il faut sourire quoi!

- out and about. i have been doing so many things i didnt think i ever do or ever do again. it was like "whooaaa...". my singing experience. um, my nights out which have now restarted following my hiatus the past few...months. bowling. i like this, although i am always losing. it's the company that matters anyway. walks around town when it is sunny. i am just basically trying my best to fill in time. time which is too precious to be wasted.

i know what i want to do in life. and i must always remember this and nothing else. because at the end of the day, i am left with what i have in hand. and this hand must be holding something when that time comes.

friends. s, k, p.

oh, and my brother is coming! yay!!!

crystal-clear.

2009-01-19T11:10:00.000-08:00

and the murky waters are cleared now.

vision.

to be more aware and concious of...life.

breathe. and really breathe...

eyes wide open.

realizations...

but NO regrets.

through with dark colours. i want sunny and white clouds...

and from all these, i learnt so many things.

...

you're not independent by nature... it is by choice.

Great Pics by Izat

2009-01-12T17:37:00.000-08:00

this was when we were in chateaufarine, Mc Donalds. HAHA. my very good friend Izat. or more affectionately known as my Mama. =p always there for each other and he is on my illimited call list. that has to be something!

lets close the door again.

2009-01-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

i have a lot in my mind these days. things to digest and these are things which require a lot of thinking. i feel like i am now in a shell, enclosed and bidding my time as to when exactly it is time for me to make my next move. the start of this year was a great challenge and i surprised myself for reacting quite well to it. it was sad but i dealt with it well but maybe i was fooling myself there a little bit. the force of it probably hadnt hit me full force so i suppose now that it has, i am thrown off course.

i seem to still have the same problems. i dont know since when but i do notice that recently i have taken an initiative to be more open to people and to let people in my life a bit more easier. and also to be more open about my life and what i am doing. it has been good, great even as now i really do feel like i have built strong relationships around me. but... there are also bad things and these bad things came from people i never expected. i suppose these people are jealous. or wary. call it whatever you want but i have no time for judgmental people. people who think they know everything, people who think that they have the right to say something, to judge... what the fuck? did i ever bother your life? did i ever say bad things about you? for all i know, i think all i ever said to you was to thank you for the great contribution you have made to my life. but whatever. you cant please everyone.

i have started school and school has been great. i really wanted to start the year right. but i cant seem to really do that. its this rut and i hate being in this rut... but i am trying my hardest to fight it. i still meet people when usually i would just hide. i go and do things i am supposed to... yet at the same time i feel bad cause i know i wont be such a good...company.

what are my plans for the future? i cancelled london. i have my reasons... but i am most probably going there february... but we will see.

what? 2009?

2009-01-03T06:50:00.000-08:00

hello everyone. i havent updated so...you guessed it right. i have been so busy. i am in paris now, spending my last few christmas holidays with good friends and the busy life of paris... not that i have been very active in that sense.

so...this is what i did...

- went to switzerland with two very good friends... stergios and kat. went to bern, lausanne and neuchatel. it was great, saw some wonderful monuments...bern was exceptionally amaaaazing. loved it.

- went to dijon. tried their famous dishes...was really nice there though i would prefer besancon. :) i like their shops though. good place to shop definitely.

- played bowling and went karting with a group of friends. karting was awesome. i miss driving sooo much so it was really good...

overall... my holidays were well-spent with people i love being with.

future plans? i am going to london on the 19th till 25th. :) i cant wait for that either. i want to meet allllll my good friends there but we'll see what i can manage. definitely want to go to kent though, meet my cousin and see my good friends there too. so we'll see...

oh yeaaah, what did i do for NY eve??? *smiles* do i really want to talk about that? like most other people? nope...

what 2009? tsk tsk. it's the same all over aaagaaain... except that this time we have number 9 on 2000 rather than 8.

LDR

2008-12-25T17:27:00.001-08:00

Discover Brandy!

Sunday, August 12th, 2007 at 9:58 am

2008-12-17T11:26:00.000-08:00

"whenever i feel pain, i usually retreat back to the confines of my walls. the walls that are made up of the people whom i trust and love with all. yet, these walls i find are crumbling down. to my dismay, i have no control over it and i can only helplessly look on and try to live without the safe shelter and protection those walls had given me.

i used to think i have control and i can assume control over anything, everything. ever since i was young, i had always assumed control over my siblings and i still am. amidst the chaotic and sometimes nerve-wrecking home i have–i still had control over myself, even just a little bit as i managed to pull good grades for my exams. but what i cant control…is the natural order of things. change. people leaving. growing up. i find it rather unsettling that people change, people leave and that these are all in the same package as growing up. it is of course, more unnerving that i too, will undergo all these…and i have and still am.

i find myself struggling of course. then again, i know how to adapt but things like these, they take time no? i love having things…in their own familiar place. i like things which are rooted. it scares me that people change. that people go. it scares me more if i myself have changed.

friends. family. these people, can you really trust them? will they really love you forever and ever like they claim? or are their words merely words spoken at the heat of the moment? i find it hard to let people in. but i have let quite a number of people in this past two years. my circle of close friends are now wider yet still, i am in constant fear that i might lose them. lose them by finding out that they have been untruthful and not trustworthy. however, friendships and trust always come with a risk no? during the first few years of my life in ms, i have settled in quite comfortably with only few close friends. but these people have left. it isnt their fault of course, it’s the way of life. now, i have met a lot more people, girls that are wonderful and oh, do i love them.

last year and this year, i have been going through a lot of changes. it never used to bother me but these changes came in tsunami waves. with each wave, i was crushed, over and over again but these friends were and still are there to build me up. i dont think i can be standing where i am today without them. they put up with me, through thick and thin. i dont need to mention any names, as i know that they know who they are. i just want to let them know that i love them. i do.

and now, the end of 2007 is near. i can feel it coming, with the heat of exams and all. it amazes me, like always, how fast time past us by. it seems like it was only yesterday that i was celebrating new year and now here i am, busy studying for exams. i know, that i have yet to face more things before reaching the end of this year, and i can only rely on strength and motivation to get me through.

yes, a pretty deep blog, id say."

end of 2008- i still feel... crushed. and alone.

its decided. i want to take control now... i cant let this continue. after this, whatever happens, happens... i am in no position to fight more. white flag. i am done.

and to become a Snow Angel one must...

2008-12-15T16:09:00.001-08:00

~*~

hi everyone! have you seen a snow angel?

nope? hmmm....

well let me just show you...

there...

the rule is to scream after that...

have a merry hols!

and finally... it snowed...

2008-12-10T11:13:00.000-08:00

pretty? i thought so too.

rants

2008-12-08T13:16:00.000-08:00

okay so a lot of people are asking me what i am doing for christmas. i have few ideas. but yes people, i am staying in france. buuut as i mentioned earlier, first week of january i will be in... UK. london and i am planning on making a stop at kent to see the beloved cousin, atifah... family is important whaaat... ;)

aku panat sikit. apparently today was eid adha... tsk tsk. i called my dad last night he didnt answer. i should try again later. i miss mooommmmyyyy. and my sis. and my little brother who is apparently not so little anymore!

a friend brought this up just now. 2009...i am going to turn 20. dear lord. i didnt see this coming. two decades. ahhhh something to think about for the next four months. :( aries aries aries. i am getting all the bad characteristics of an aries... the spontaneity. impulsiveness. irrational. help help. what does a girl do?

i cant wait. last year ended well. i have a feeling this year would end up well too. =) =) =)

=) mine.

2008-12-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

standing resolute!

2008-12-06T17:36:00.000-08:00

i am apparently going to london as decided by both my brother and me. his birthday is on the 2nd of january so... i would have to be there with him by then. i cant wait. i hope to see the friends over there but that remains to be seen on whether or not they are around in london. party~

so, this week has been so mellow... and slow... i just cant wait for it to end and for next week to start. my lessons were okay but it is the same old same old and i couldnt really handle these kinds of situations where a routine becomes a...routine.

i cut my hair...put on highlights... and gave myself a new look. wont post pictures here, maybe on facebook if it appears but definitely not posting it on just so everyone can see my 'new look'. HAHAHA. but it was well worth it, but a continuation of a bad habit where when i feel like i have hit rock bottom i go cut my hair... :p i doubt i would have long hair at all, since i am have moments where i do feel a bit errr.

i also finally bought proper pillows. :P

and i love my place. it does feel like home to me. maybe that is why i cancelled my trip as well. i was planning on marseille. bought the tix but cancelled it on the last minute... due to some things. like, classes that i decided not to miss. and actually face things here rather than running away. vague much...

anyway, i havent started on my 2009's resolution. i should start... like maybe get a draft even. tsk tsk. one thing in it for sure is... to remind myself that "fumer tue" and so i should stop. but its hard. with the package at brunei hall waiting... GAH. maybe after that? :) i dont know what else should be on my list. i am thinking of something to do with sweat... like running... yeah that should be in it. i want my list to be short and simple and easy to follow yet giving me some kind of a ... path. i remember last year my list also incluse a sub-list where i had my TEN musts in a guy. it was meant to prevent me from going out with anyone as the things i put in the lists were near-impossible. HAHA. but i found the 10. guitar skills. smart. handsome. same taste in music. impure. HAHAHA. but u get the idea. now i am not having that sub-list anymore.

long distance relationship... is hard. but i am keeping that. and i have my reasons and part of it is to not give up. (hey, that should be on my list!! :P )

i am off to sleep. i am at bonnay with my very good friends and we had just set up a christmas tree! it was fun, my first time. putting up the decorations while listening to merry music... and then you realise that maybe...youre not really alone after all... =)

Paris Paris Paris

2008-12-01T17:37:00.000-08:00

me and Wan

Arc de Triomphe

the hybrid toyota car

ka filah me and masitah

embassy

champs-elysees

my paris weekend

2008-12-01T15:22:00.000-08:00

hi people. paris was great. the meeting with the Minister and the Vice Chancellor went well...

yeah that's it.

i had had enough...

To provoke.

2008-11-28T11:55:00.000-08:00

provocation.

provocative.

provoked.

ahhhh. you dont want me to be...provoked. :)

lets play the game. lets start from paris.

PARIS!!!!!!

:D ;)

i will do it my way then. from now on, it's me against everyone. walang iba. ako lang.

on verra.

Paris decisions.

2008-11-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

i have been letting myself go for...um two days now. and tomorrow is the trip to paris... i am excited cause i am finally getting away from besancon, even for just the weekend... i dont think i would want to stay for long anyway. seeing and having realised that big cities are not meant for little fee. i called Pg and asked him for more details on the programme and well, we are free saturday. sooo we just need to do the obligation thing on sunday morning. m quite looking forward to that too. but but but. saturday is free... ( i am leaving my credit card at home ) and i will maybe meet this friend which is greaat.

what do i want to do in paris? hmmm... soak the city? thing is i was just in paris last... month. and i have visited most places to visit... i am not really sure of what to do. shopping is out of the question. i was just on a shopping spree recently, building up my defenses against the besontine winter, seeing how increasingly cold it has become the last few weeks.

tonight there is a reggae concert in one of the bars. i should go, but... i have to wake up really early tomorrow. decisions decisions. i should right? or not? ah i dont know. it would have to depend on the company.

nah some pictures. i know mom would like to see these pics. :)

(click on the photo to enlarge)

my first piece of art (or shit) :P

karma. desire. a goodbye to the past.

2008-11-24T04:11:00.000-08:00

hi people. here is another one of those deep self-analytical entry. if you arent in the mood for that, then you are free to leave... :)

i notice that ever since i came here, i avoid deep intense conversation and that i avoid certain topics of my life and life in general. but today, we had that. the question of beliefs. karma. desire. the question of morality. to me, these topics would have been fine to be discussed before, back when i was in brunei and maybe the last few...years. yet, now that i am here, i have this idea in my head, this picture... i dont want to think too much about things. i dont want to analyse every details of my life. i dont want to waste my time complicating things which could just be made simple. i want things to be simple.

growing up, i analysed things too much. if you have read my previous blogs on my previous blog (cradle of the enlightened) or my previous previous blog (which was utterly depressive and borderline suicidal. HAHA.) you would...notice this. i was constantly questioning things. i always want to find meaning. but i gave that up now...

maybe the conversation we had in class today provoked all that again. the question of...karma. i used to believe in that so much. if i did something wrong, i would get something bad in the end. like a bad... consequence. it might not be now but maybe in the future and that isnt really a good thing now is it? seriously, i was such an avid believer that the moment i did something bad, i would immediately be thinking, "shit. now something bad is gonna happen...." and i would fret over it, anticipate it and at the same time, i dont really...live my life to the optimum. now, looking back, i felt that it was such a waste of time... fretting over something, worrying, constantly questioning and answering things in my head... because back then, whenever something bad happened, i would automatically blamed myself. "ah shit, it was because of what you did before you dumbass, you deserve this!" which in turn made me more depressed or sad.

and it isnt really fair to myself. people make mistakes and i seem to be doing that all the time so would i be forever blaming myself then? and so last year, i had this progressive change of attitude and this year, i made myself a list of resolutions that i would follow. the core is to not care so much. to fuck everything off and just stay true to what matters to me. i dont want to conform to social behaviours that are supposedly acceptable to others. why should i? if i think that it isnt wrong, then be damned with it, let me do it my way. life is too short, too crowded and chaotic to be worrying about whether or not i am living my life 'correctly'. these issues that were bothering me before, they dont bother me so much now. its like running away from problems to some people but really, it is a problem if you see it as a problem and hence i just develop a way to not see these things as...problems. you get? and so karma, is now, bullshit to me. sure you take consequence for your actions but they arent necessarily bad. theyre bad, if you see or you make it as bad...

"i feel so isolated. so out of touch with the world outside of me. so depressed and everyday is a struggle. a struggle. putting that smile on myself, forcing myself to be positive. forcing myself to excel even though what i really want to do is just hide... the feeling of this loneliness sometimes engulf me in words i cant describe. it comes like a tsunami, all at once and crushes me, over and over again. i feel battered..."

an extract of what used to be the things i wrote. :P (i do keep archives of things i wrote) as such, ah, i can never feel that way... again. i wouldnt. i feel that right now, all that matter is the moment. and how i chose to see it. we all have a choice on how we do things. how we live our lives....

another thing is this feeling of 'want'. i have this drive, this almost-obsession where i would want something, and i would try every means to achieve or to get it. and if i dont, i fall into this...slump. id beat myself over it. id think about it a lot. id question myself on why on earth didnt i get it. "did i not try too hard? why couldnt i work on it? is it me?" and i would fall further into this rut that i was in for a loooong time. well, i still think i have this...drive. but being here in france, and also having experienced a lot of tidal waves earlier this year, i am more relaxed. calmer. i just couldnt be bothered with beating myself over it. i look at things not as a puzzle but as a lump of things i just need to put into boxes, deal with it and then move on. i spent the last 19 years concentrating my life on getting away from brunei and when that happened, i am content now. the biggest 'want' of my life is now achieved. what else do i want? a job? a bigger salary? a better life? no, not really. i just want to be happy. and to be happy, i know i dont really need a job. or a lot of money. or a bigger salary. i just need to know how to live my life. and i think i am learning that now pretty fast...

okay, so i used to not like to dream about something. i ddidnt see it as an indulgence. i saw it as a waste of time... (well i did say that when i wanted something, i had to get it now did i?) but how i see it now is that...something becomes a dream when you want something but you cant have it. it isnt because of you or others. it's just because. maybe its fate. or maybe its how things are. and if you believe in God, well, maybe God doesnt want it for you. and so it becomes like a dream... and dreams are free. a little indulgence wont hurt now would it? and in this case, i do find myself having to follow things against the wishes of my heart but if i see it as a dream... then...

am i making sense?

nevertheless. i think i see things clearly now... i used to think that how i think or how i see things is me being somewhat heartless or near cold-blooded. but to be honest, i dont really see it that way. i just see it as practicality and a means to survive. a way to live as i chose it to be. dont you think so?

people come and go. but we do to. we come to people's lives, leaving marks all over the place and then we leave... why dont we make the best out of it?

Viewty VS Soul

2008-11-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

hmm. this song depicts my mood at the moment...

what have i been up to? its been an interesting weekend. there was snow!! and i had my first snowball fight... between me and elizabeth and izat and the rest while we were on our way to 8th avenue... but that is just a part of it...

what have i got to look forward to this week... and the weeks to come? um, new lessons with supposedly new classmates??? NO... it's with the same teacher... the same people... and it is starting to... kill me. :) dont ask why. i will just end up bitching and er, that isnt really what i would like to portray here... tsk tsk...

well, this weekend will be...paris. the minister is coming~ and apparently we were kind of mentioned in the newspaper brunei... "currently there are 2 students...bla bla" you would think theyd bother mentioning our names but noooooo. sigh... bad people...

it's gonna be very cold ni... i hate having to wear all this heavy clothes... but one has to adapt no? it was fun tho, i hate to admit it. hahaha. please excuse me... it IS my first time u know. :P

i got myself a new phone too!! LG KU990... ;) LAWA. I AM IN LOVE WITH IT. but i still love my samsung SOUL... and both are really good phones... so i am confused. i cant decide which to use!!! :(

to H.

2008-11-18T16:37:00.001-08:00

my missing lamp

2008-11-13T16:54:00.000-08:00

i wish i could... turn back time somehow. i was fine earlier this year. i thought i was making a fine progress with my life, and then now i find myself thrown back. it's hard to discuss it. i just wish i could stop thinking about it all. like, i wish that there is a switch that i could turn off whenever i start thinking about things.

winter is coming, and the nights are getting longer... and colder. i really wish i have a good lamp. because then i could read better. who would have thought that a lamp could change your life? i love my studio right now, it's warm and cozy. but i feel that there isnt enough light... and not having enough light freaks me out... all the shadows and darkness are starting to get to me. i suppose i am one of those people whose moods compliments their surrounding. and with winter coming and with my lack-of-light, i am feeling a bit blue. so right now, i find myself constantly thinking about....getting a lamp. because usually, nights like this, i just love to lie down somewhere cozy and read a book. i have MANY novels to actually read now as I bought some when i was in london but i just dont have the...light for it. is this something totally trivial?

so, because i dont have the light to read... i end up online. or doing nothing. i want to get out of this...rut.

it doesnt help that i have nothing to look forward to this month. wait, i guess i cant wait to change class. i REALLY hope new people will come in this december's class. because my classes now are killing me... with 3 people and one teacher... it just doesnt work. i dont have homework to keep me preoccupied as well. instead i have all these shit problems i have to think about.

i guess it comes with being independent. i am still learning, but i am actually struggling as well. maybe i am just not used to not talking a lot. or not having the company. i miss my mom. seriously. late nights like this, i end up missing her. i miss our LOOOONNNGGG talks. i miss how we always talk aand i miss my late night phone conversations with Him as well. i just want to TALK. but now i find myself having to choose what kind of conversations i should be having with some people. like with this people, i shouldnt talk about this. with that person, i shouldnt touch that topic... i miss having like this one person i can talk ANYTHING about and not get judged. or analysed. or... anything. it's just friendly chat, banter or talk or whatever you may call it you know?

a friend brought up something recently, and it struck me hard as well... i miss beaches. i miss the heat and i miss tanning. i suppose i should be thankful as now i have the chance to experience the opposite. mountains and coldness i suppose? but i am such a beach and sunny girl at heart... its hard to be sunny and all shiny when you are constantly under a gray cloud and wrapped in a cold weather.

i want... my lamp. :s i need to fucking read something!!!

two worlds.

2008-11-11T14:52:00.000-08:00

i need to re-focus.

get my vision straight, my aims in order and my priorities in line...

i cant do anymore of this shit...

lets start with you, you and you first.

enough.

2008-11-11T13:29:00.001-08:00

ever since i came here i thought i could handle it well. i thought i would be strong enough to overcome whatever obstacles that come my way. having an LDR as well, i thought i could manage it well. but everything that i have expected turned out the opposite. it is like opening a dusty old closet and having the skeletons inside all stumbling out, all hitting me on the head and things i thought i have stopped doing or feeling are now slowly taking over me. i would love to think that i am this person who is happy, bubbly and sunny all the time. but i am not, you know? and that is what most people see me as. they have this vision of me, on how they expect me to be that sometimes even i myself get alienated with that they see me as.

there is this side of me that is inevitable. i get really moody sometimes. i get depressed, restless and unhappy. when these moments hit, i cry. or i hide. or i run away. a lot of factors can provoke this side of me. big changes. life-altering decisions. loneliness. and i have been getting a lot of this lately... hence, because of this side, i never really try to make new friends. i actually dont like the whole process of getting to know people. that is why it is hard when i was single... getting to know guys, especially guys in brunei just didnt interest me much. yet, i vowed to myself that i wont fall into that rut... and i managed so well earlier this year. but when i got here in france, i found myself falling and falling and falling...

i met and got acquainted well with some people in brunei before i went here. i got attached too. and these were huge developments, that i can tell you! i opened up... and then now, i find myself regretting it all. i shouldnt have. because this side of me, is like a curse. no one can ever truly understand.

i think the only person who truly can is my mother. i miss the moments where she would just go into my room and we will talk and talk and just talk. we never seem to run out of things to talk about... id just lie on the bed, her on my computer seat and we'll just chat away. when i am in my depressive mood, or when i am feeling particularly down, she would be able to sense it, and talk to me. really really talk me out of it. motivate me. giving me the reasons why i should continue this journey we all call...life.

and now, i find myself questioning the presence of certain people in my life... i used to believe that love and friendships can capture all but i dont see that now. the whole idea... is just...!@#$%^&*O

i feel so lonely here. and i find myself not having anyone to talk to. sure, i go out a lot. sure, my time here is somewhat packed but it just wont fill this hollow feeling...

"why do you have to be so sad anyway? youre there and you have your own life, you have ur freedom, you can do whatever you want"

and... i fall deeper into this rut. it's a confirmation of how... weak i am. and coming from a very significant person...

so what is the use of all these? egos are getting bigger... tension in the air... i find myself drifting away from all the people i love. people who promised to be...true... people who promised they wont change. but realistically...everyone changes...

no, dont try to understand me. i dont expect anyone to understand. i mean, everyone else can just very well continue on living their jolly pretentious life. i dont fucking care anymore.

i have had enough.

For you lot...

2008-11-09T14:58:00.000-08:00

for the sake of updates. here is what i have been up to. i havent been feeling well... i am in one of those moods again. i am...brooding. and i want to run away again. dont these things ever stop? the feeling of wanting to just... disappear. the feeling of wanting to rip out the page where you accidentally spilled ink and it just wont go away...

but thats another story... i spent my weekend with my friends. further details on my facebook so it u lots are in mine then ud get more details... overall, it was GREAT. thank you! this is in Bonnay, about 30 minutes away from besancon.

crazy days.

2008-11-02T15:03:00.001-08:00

it has been so crazy and i KNOW i havent been updating at all. my life here has been hectic, with a lot to do. and aah. the going-out with friends, my london trip the other day, my new class which has less hours but a hell lot of work... well its been busy. and hence this website has been dormant. i could always update i know that, but i am not really the kind of person who updates her happenings EVERYTIME it happens anyway. my life isnt exactly for show. i wouldnt want people to know what is really up with me... ;)

but here are pictures.

i miss everyone actually. my brother came to besancon to visit last weekend and now i miss him so much. it is sooo weird to have the place to myself again. but i have to continue. one thing that i have learnt to do very well here is to not get too sentimental or attached. and i think its a very good thing to learn. in CLA, i have been more or less mellow. this month has been quite mellow. its been cold, very cold and maybe that is why there hasnt been much. but weekends are still
weekends. its always so much fun.

ahhh anddd... i went to a halloween thing. that was great too. i was just a very simple white...#$%^&*(.

i have been good. really. i also had a housewarming thing at my place which ended really well. it was so much fun, and crazy too!

LONDON!

2008-10-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

i am in london and right now dibah is eating breakfast with me. i feel sooo at home. being around my closest closest friends, the best ones i have they make me feel so happy.

they have the raya thing going on apparently. i decided to go but then because last night was a bit... crazy i decided not to today. i wanted to just walk around and see London... do the whole tourist thing. HAHAHA.

well, to be honest, i like it here only cause my friends are here but being here also reminds me of the reasons why i want to study in france in the first place... paris is still my number one city... besancon is home and well, london is my haven as it has my angels in it. ;)

salsa. movies. weekend.

2008-10-12T13:29:00.001-07:00

i honestly feel i had a great weekend and well i havent had one in a while so it was such a breathe of fresh air. i had a salsa lesson thursday night the other day, and that was really awesome. i really do want to do it again so i am taking up lessons. i really want to do street jazz too! but yeah, i think i will take up that one in the campus.

weekend came and it was... really nice. i cant explain it. but yeah. and i watched the latest movie by woody allen with some friends, vicky christina barcelona and it was such a weird and disturbing movie but really good anyway. penelope cruz and scarlette johansson (i am not sure about the spelling) but you guys must watch it. it provokes a different kind of reaction, like u really do think after the movie. i love the part where Judy and Vicky were talking about love in a cafe and it struck me how similar it all is to my situation. not my situation now i suppose but what i had before and to know that it actually is normal was really awesome.

conclusion? it was the best i ever had. the weekend. the people i spent time with. i really really liked it. and i cant wait till my brother comes too!

french thing.

2008-10-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

i havent been updating lately... well, just because. been busy with CLA, i have more and more work coming in and here i thought that i wont be doing much. you know how it is in my class? people come and go. they stay for a month or maybe two and then they move on. this is because right now, i am still in an intensive language course. so like, while m staying here for the next few months as i needed the right level of french to go start uni, they study french just for the heck of it and to some, just to improve their level of french. hence... yeah. anyway, this month's batch in my class... are just PFFT. there are some cool people out of the SIX people i have in my class... but that is it. the rest are just... !#&*&$#@ but i met some new people recently and well, theyre really cool. they speak english and though i know that this isnt really a good idea as i am here to learn french... BAAAAAAAAA (as the french put it...HAHA)

oh cali wah... cause i was having lunch with the group of friends and like, one of them was saying how weird the FRENCH are...(not the language, i mean the people). she said, "they have all these weird sounds they put in the language! like BAAAOUEEE~ EEEUUHHHH~ MEMEMAAAAISSS~" HAHAHAHAHAH which is so true! whenever a french loses his or her trail of word, instead of like a silence...they fill it in with BAAAAAAA until they find the thing that they want to say. sometimes i think it isnt that they lose their trail, i think they also do it purposely. maybe it is like a french thing or something. hmmmm...

been skyping a lot. i think my internet traffic is now... nearly reaching the limit. PFFFTTT! i cant wait for the real wifi to come. having an internet usb key is awesome but if it isnt unlimited, it is just so not fun. and SKYPE is like... a phenomenon man. u can talk with someone abroad for like hours and hours and it is just like talking on the phone, if not better, as you can see the other person on a webcam. eee i like. internet is awesome! mind you, it isnt awesome in brunei at all. their so called broadband which is usually down... so annoying to go on the net in brunei.

=)

kamuuuu. i am over the moon. i just made my first curry. HAHAHAHA!

Raya at Besancon

2008-10-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

pictures are courtesy of masitah...

i thought i looked great. :P dont you think so? HAHAHAHAHAHA. vain.

well, it was okay. nothing particularly spectacular though i must say, the msians were very accommodating.

bah. i am out. hope you like the pictures... ;)

dont worry, be happy~

2008-10-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

i am listening to bob marley now. i had a hardcore session just now, listening to my all-time favourites...avenged sevenfold. i was also listening to paramore and flyleaf and i must say, i prefer flyleaf because i think paramore's a bit too punk and mainstream for my liking...

"dont worry~ be happy~"

this weekend is a non-happening one i must say. musique des rues is going on but i havent been going to any, except this one where they have this weird...dance. why am i not going out? hmmm. well, i dont know. i guess it is a bad idea having your own place. now, i just always want to go home, home to the safe and warm confy place i now call...home. i am finally settled in! it's an awesome feeling, really...

just now, i went to the malaysian's raya gathering. no use telling you lot where it is as duh, you wont know where it is. their place is quite far from centreville (town) but a really nice place nonetheless. the view going there is amazing. i love it. you can see mountains...and mountains...some pointy. some like a plateau... it's just awesome! =)

how was the raya? well, on the whole, it's great. food...people... hmmm...

"youre just a brand-new secondhand~"

i appreciate little things like containers now. :P

and....

2008-10-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

and you wish you could turn back time. because there is this something that you would love to just... change. erase. this something that you would rather now do the other way.

and you just think...wow.

and there are some people you now wish you can erase from your life too. those people who just cant see themselves. those people who promise to be loyal to you, who promise to always be there. those people who youd kill youself for only to be betrayed and left with nothing.

and i wish i could do that. erase and not care, just like how some people do it. but i couldnt. i still have that ache in me. and i cant erase it.

and when you miss someone so much that it hurts, you just want to run away from it. the level of intensity scares you.

and... you wish you just turn back time. back to when everything actually made sense, even in the middle of the chaos, everything.

and right now. you know that whatever you say, at the end of the day... you're still alone. and that you will always be this way.

long due.

2008-10-01T14:57:00.000-07:00

i miss these people. this was, i believe, the last lunch i had with them before i had to leave.

with zai and yazmyn...

deebus...

qaira and deebs...

hey everyone. just thought that i should make a quick post. since everyone is on a hype about raya, well, no no, no worries, i wont go on a rant about how i wish i could go raya cause um, m not really into that... ANYWAY, happy raya to all. and i would like to opologise for any wrongdoings, any harsh words said... it was for your own good anyway... HAHA. okay joke.

i miss him. miss na miss ko sya. parang nababaliw na ako. puta!

c'est lui.

2008-09-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

i was reading this book given by the bf and it was actually really good. not really the kind of book i would have read on a normal basis... but yeah...

you know, before this, i was always asking myself what i really want from a relationship. i always thought that "hey maybe i am asking for too much?" and because of this i always think that maybe i am the selfish and inconsiderate one and after one relationship ended, i focused on putting the other half's interests first over mine on the next 'relationships' i had and that didnt work either. and i got frustrated. i thought to myself, "nothing seems to work. maybe i shouldnt be in one and just...focus on getting to know myself. for a long time, i did just that. i remained single... of course i dated people but they never progressed to a relationship. and i was happy.

why? i gave less and i know myself i shouldnt expect so much in return. and i was happy that way. when one is in a relationship, it is only natural that a female feels the need to give... her heart is overflowing with love and affection and that it is a female thing to give so much. what she expects in return is appreciation, understanding and support back from her partner. and i often didnt get this. maybe that is why it didnt work out before right? it's different now though...

while i still expect a lot, he gave me what i need most and that is a listening ear. he listens, he understands and he doesnt offer unnecessary advice. i often feel annoyed when i am given unwanted advice from a partner. i just want someone to listen and that is what he gives. he listens. he doesnt judge. in return, well... i... i dont know what i do in return but i do hope i am doing the right gf things to do... =p

what else do i want in a relationship?

well...i also need that feeling of security. i need to feel very much secured and safe. i want to know that he wont leave me just like that, that he wont bolt off at the first sign of an obstacle. i also need him to be loyal to just me. i need him to always be there. i need him to know and acknowledge the effort i make for this relationship to work. i need to know that he'd do everything to make me happy. i need to know that he loves me just as much as i love him. i need him to defend me, to protect me, to fight for me. he doesnt need to fight my battles but just knowing that he is right there beside me would mean the world to me.

you know why? cause i would do these things for him. i dont think i am selfish when it comes to giving love and affection. i just need to know that i am giving these to someone who is worth it. not someone who is just up for fun. someone who would only hang around for a while and then go. cause if that is the case, then it's fine for me too. i just wont give so much. i wont love. i wont care. we both can have our little fun and move on.

and i have come to realise that... c'est lui pour moi... et je lui aimerai encore et encore...

new habits. new year's resolutions.

2008-09-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

- ever since i came here, i got addicted to...yogurt. i love love love yogurt with blackberries or strawberries. i must
have them during breakfast. i even eat them during lunch. they apparently make
you shit more. which is good.

- i like to sleep. it's the easiest way to keep yourself warm.

- i am addicted to my organiser. each day i have a list
of things to do and i am completely obsessed with making sure that all
of them are done.

-i do not have a diary anymore. a diary where i write
my most innerthoughts and my deepest secret. why? because... i dont think i have
so much inner thoughts that i keep to myself these days. i think the diable and the boyfriend and my mother know what i am thinking
without me actually telling anyway...and to think i am thousands of miles away!
my deepest secrets are well-locked. so what is there left to tell to my diary?

- i am obsessed with cleaning. and tidying. and cleaning again and
tidying...again. this is once the mood strikes. which comes more often these
days. for example, yesterday, while i was cleaning the studio, i must have
dusted the place more than ten times. and swept the floor more
than 7 times and oh, wiped the place clean more than 3 times. not to forget...i must have rearranged the furnitures
more than 6 times.

- i love to cook now. before... i used to love to
just bake and just avoid cooking altogether cause i know mom would ask me to
start cooking a lot so..... but since my life now has a non-existent oven, it's
kind of hard to bake. but i LOVE to cook. to cook for myself
that is. ;)

- i have to wash the dishes and this is
what i hate. but since a piled-up dishes waiting to be washed in the sink goes againsnt my cleaning habit... i have to wash them right after i
eat. or cook. and this triggers numerous reactions on my hands and fingers...no,
i am not joking. i cant wash dishes. even the doctor says so!
water+detergent=eczema reactions. and now i have this bloody cut on my right
hand's pointing finger. everytime i move it, it oozes out blood...... sigh.
anyone willing to wash my dishes?

so there you go my new habits... but so far, i dont think i have drastically changed on the inside. like, i dont suddenly go clubbing or partying every night. or start drinking like crazy. why? cause those things bore me. theyre okay if you do it once in a while, you know, like weekends. but i can never understand people who do it EVERY NIGHT. of course, it's their say if they wanna have fun like that. i just dont think i am that kind of person... as much as possible, i do like a quiet night in. listening to my kind of music. reading. studying.

and i do. i do spend so many nights alone. and these nights alone are the times i spent thinking and one of them is... what am i going to do here aside from....studying? i dont want the whole night life scene. not so much anyway. i want to do something productive. then, i decided to start running...soon. one reason why i cant do it now is cause i left my sports shoes in brunei. =p and buying another pair of running shoes here... will take time. with my small size and all. and the money. i also want to do something else. something to do with music. and then i had the greatest idea. but i am going to save it to myself for now. pokoknya, by december, ada tu. and i want to do another sport as well. we'll see.

new year's resolution:

- run
- music
- sports

i miss some people. he's gone missing for a while now. and maybe we're all egoistic in some ways. but that just shows how much that person actually really cares. and in many ways, i am glad that at least now i know for sure. just dont bother anymore.

to the rest, i am not celebrating raya ni. awu tau ku ada raya. and raya food is coming my way thanks to that special someone and also to my very special someone. i just dont want to get all hyped up for raya. for one thing, i am not going to london like i originally planned. and second, i cant even go to paris. financially tight, but that is the life of a student. so i am going to greet you all Raya now. happy raya and this goes to all my loved ones, my hated ones and those people who i wont usually bother saying hello to... sorry for all the mistakes i made, any offense i made on my part, intentionally and unintentionally (is there such a word? indakan inintentionally kan?)

... to him, you greeted me raya on facebook first. atu awal. but i love you anyway. selamat hari raya to you too... and many sorries for being so difficult sometimes.

=)

Epic Frequency

2008-09-26T03:08:00.000-07:00

i miss something that i used to do a lot. i miss singing. i really miss it. i miss singing and jamming with the band. i miss the smelly jamming studios in brunei. i miss the thrill of getting a song right after endless practices. i miss performing in front of a crowd, drinking in our music. i miss that. i miss singing ballads. i miss that. i miss doing the thing i love most. singing.

for many years, i havent been really active in that. i guess i took singing for granted. and now i cant help but think all those hours of practice, those lessons are gone to waste... i feel so... dormant. i want to sing. i have so much energy inside me and i want to sing. eeee. i have been listening to the songs i used to sing with the band and i have this... slight pain inside. i miss them. the epic frequency we call ourselves... doz, jimi, farhan, sylvan, ziman and me. we've been through a lot and now, apart, i really feel a loss. i didnt really get the chance to say a proper goodbye to them before i leave... i guess cause it was also hard for me to leave the country... and maybe the fact that i wont be singing much here...

i miss that. the thrill. but i wont give up. i think i am gonna look for something to do... to the band, if you are reading this, please know i love you and i miss you...

=) Epic Frequency For Life.

fuck it!

2008-09-25T07:29:00.000-07:00

you know how sick you are of the same thing everyday? fuck it. you know how annoyed you are at some people? fuck it. you know how tired you are of pleasing the people around you? fuck it. i am through with all that shit. i basically disappeared the past few months just to avoid the pretense of life that most people go for these days, why should i stop doing that now? it's stupid how some people are so full of themselves, pointing fingers and making comments about other people and they fail to look at themselves in the mirror. how fucking sad.

and i have got to find a way to deal with this.

to my brother, if you are reading this, your ticket is already on its way. hopefully it will reach you by friday next week. or next next monday. i really cant wait for you to come.

the last batch just left... their last week here. and next month there will be a fresh batch coming. then they will leave. then new people will be coming and leaving and that is how it's gonna be... people come. and then they go.

Besancon I love.

2008-09-21T03:35:00.000-07:00

i just realised that a lot of people in brunei are actually reading this blog... aw. okay. that means... HAHA. i have to filter some informations. JUST JOKING!!! =p to all the people in brunei, here are some pictures for you...

in Besancon...

this was when i was on the way to school... depan CLA ah. atu SAJUK. and hence the fod. behind the fog is a mountain... lawaaaaa!!! i like this place. so scenic. so calm. so full of org hensem. NADAWAH! but. true plg. apakan tu??? hahaha! okay but still... my eyes are just focused to one... =)

that myfriends, behind me, is the infamous CLA... each year we have thousands and thousands of students all over the world coming over to learn the language of sexiness... FRENCH! HAHA. so no my friends, i havent really made so many french friends... just random people from random countries...

walking around the river on a sunday afternoon... =)

jay-walking...

i have been well. i know why i was kinda down last week. aku period now. HAHAHA. next week i am moving out! finally! i dont like the foyer anymore. i crave privacy and my own space. =) EEEEEE!!!! i like! and i dont need to go down the damn lift and cook! i have my own kitchen. iski jua tu kan memasak!

oh oh and fatin and dibah called last night. i have to mention you guys... i MISS you. thank you for calling... at least someone make the effort to actually find out how i am here. unlike some people.............. anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!! eh eh dibah, i love you lah. =p and please dont mention about the ahem in december. u know what i mean. hahahahahaha.

leave comments. or msg the tagboard. i wanna know how you guys are.

Snap this!

2008-09-14T04:28:00.001-07:00

With some people from CLA...

Beside me is Istiaq and the other is a Spanish girl...I know her name, i just dont know how to spell it.

With Masitah and beside her Julien....

Below are pictures taken from Mulhouse. Did some shopping there, finally bought my winter coat!

studio invasion...

2008-09-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

hey everyone. just want to update a little bit. i posted earlier that i wanted to stay where i am cause of this and that and this and that... remember? i totally changed my mind! i found this rad studio. it's fucking awesome! i love it i love it i love it. i took it on the spot! well practically! i am moving in starting this 1st october. it's gonna be one awesome place to live.

it isnt far away from my school, it should be about 10 minutes walk. but it is quite a distance from the centreville (town) because i am way outside the boucle.

but it doesnt matter because i love the place. if i am staying here for four years, i need a place where i can call my home. i dont fancy so much life around my...place. the bustling life doesnt really tickle my fancy so much...i want to come home to peace and quiet. if i wanna go and have the buzz i can just head down to the centreville, no big deal.

i love love love the place! right next to my place is a dance school... like for swing and stuff, like lindy hop and things. cool lahhh. it's right next door! my studio is on the ground floor and the school too. my studio number is 3, and the dance studio is 5! awesome lahhhh.

=)

i like i like. school has been uneventful. the japanese girls are finally leaving soon... dont get me wrong. theyre awesome people. it'll be a bit more quieter now once they leave. and no more wacky colourful fashion around the school. aww. how sad.

this weekend... i am just...gonna stay at the foyer. again, i am avoiding some people. HAHA!

questions or just rants?

2008-09-10T03:30:00.000-07:00

ive been wondering whether or not it is possible to be two person in your own person. i sometimes surprise myself. the fact that i can be so emotionless. how i can turn my emotions off and turn into a monster. i dont know how to explain it. it's like, there is this side of me that is... i dont know.

my last post, quite emo wasnt it? but if you really know me, you wont be surprised at all. funny how most people think they know me, based on their assumptions and what they heard from people... how can they really know me when sometimes, i dont even really know myself? i learn new things about myself every single day and things change in me every single day too. it's part of growing up and i am enjoying myself so much.

have you ever wondered if there is more to life than what is offered to you at the moment... like you have the best thing, wait, you think you have the best thing right now yet you wonder whether or not there is more. what if you stay at where you are, and never venture out and all the while you are missing something even greater? or are you lucky? you venture out and you got trapped... trapped in an endless circle that never seems to end?

like you thought youve changed somehow. but you havent. why is that? you cant explain it, only because... you are ashamed to even admit it to yourself. does anyone here understand? the fact that you are just helpless about that something and though most people say, that it is in your control, it actually isnt. how can you convince other that when you truly believe that... it really is not in your control.

do you understand?

i dont either.

what i do know is, i am setting myself up for an even bigger misadventure. i cant explain why either. i want to. but is there anyone that one can truly trust? is there anyone that wont judge me for what i am about to confide and just listen? understand and not pass judgment. is that possible?

i want to be understood but at the same time, i know very well that no one would.

and no, i didnt talk about france. your moiselle here feels a bit... off. and she cant even explain why. the series of events which she has been through since coming her made her this way. heartless somehow.

tete a tete?

2008-09-09T03:01:00.000-07:00

i have been living alone here since the 24th. alone in a sense where i have to tend for myself, spiritually and emotionally isolated from those who i am very much close to. or is it now a 'was'? many have asked me why i chose france as a destination for my further studies. and i said, because it is the furthest from everyone. furthest in a sense that... there arent many here that i know. maybe i am trying to find myself. to have a fresh new page, where no one has any preconceived ideas about me... but that is impossible of course. because you know you cant run away from your demons. they will always follow you. people will always judge you. and along the way, i have learnt to just fuck everything they say. so what? it isnt my loss that they didnt give me a chance to prove who i really am, contrary to what they thought they knew about me. then again, what is there to prove? we are who we are. we can be who we want to be. in the end, it doesnt really matter, because in the end, we are all alone.

what are my dreams and vision now? i very much want to just settle down. and therefore, i have decided to stay where i am now and not find an appartment. too many changes have been going on in my life, i just couldnt handle another big change. to change to a new place means another tide of change and i have just started studying. i really cant afford to distract myself with anything else i suppose. i just want to immerse myself with the language, get to meet new people and settle down. may i just stress that? settle down. cause right now, i cant help but feel lost.

i live in a foyer... called La Cassotte. sounds fancy huh? it kinda is. the place is really nice, where students are also working. there are french students here and theyre very nice. so far, i havent met anyone who isnt nice here. my room is really okay too. it's small compared to the room i have in brunei, of course, but i must always remind myself that here, i am not who i was in brunei. i am only a humble student who has to do with that she has. but the room, is clean. the past few days, slowly, i injected my personality into it, making it more me, and maybe to make it feel more like... home.

my curtain is red. i have posters posted on my walls... one of marilyn manson and the other is... something quite crude but cool nontheless... then the maps of besancon posted just to inject more colour... i have my own toilet. my closet is, btw, in order (i cant rely on amah here... sadly) i love this place now. i just dont want to leave anymore.

here in france, i want to achieve what i came here for in the first place. i have dreams, i have my own vision of what i want to have. and i always want to have what i want.

that doesnt stop me from having fun of course. since i came here... i had had healthy doses of fun. and again, i wont elaborate but you know, the things teens do these days. you go out. shopping. sightseeing. meet new people. some boring, some interesting.

then again, it would be a lie to say i am not sad. cause sometimes, i do feel sad. sad that the loved ones are not here, that some are drifting away... only because they found new territories to cultivate all their attentions to. pretty pathetic but c'est la vie. but i must say, i dont feel repressed anymore. the freedom, ahh, i can breathe more easily now. to be able to make my own decision, to be able to do what i want to do when i want to and the way i want it to be... that feeling is... liberating. thing is, i know i wont abuse this feeling. i know better and i have been warned... i know my limits. it just depends on others whether or not they can trust me to know what my limits are.

i miss my mom and my siblings. i miss my guy. i miss the devil. i miss the beach, the heat... but i am thankful still. that now, i have me. that now i have my own thoughts. that now the mountains that surround this town never fail to astound me...

here's to life and a fresh new beginning. hi to all!

weekend!

2008-09-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

hiii. i havent been updating because i have been so busy. the weekend was spent at mulhouse, at the alsace-lorraine region of france with masitah. met some new interesting people while we were there... gorgeous guys? not so much. we have more here in besancon, trust me. :P oh friday night, i went out with some people from CLA. it was fun fun fun. went home around... *tut* (i learn now not to give so much details...haha...)

i miss bruneian food. sigh. i want to eat buttermilk chicken...

tadi di cla, byk org malaysians...

i dont know what m gonna do this weekend... ada plg, this guy invited for a group outing... watch movie then a night out in town but we will see about that. there are people in the group i wish to avoid... :P

CLA, School.

2008-09-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

hiii everyone. i have been missing in action...here. hahaha. okay. so i have started school. school's been great. lessons are hard, everything is in french. you can never hear any english, at least in my class. so i have already started thinking and speaking in french, it isnt perfect mais ca march (but it works...)

met some new people. then again, that is also hard. yeah you can meet new people all the time... but it doesnt always work out that well. you can go along with a person but that person wont remember you, and it isnt really a strange thing because there are simply a lot of people... to them everyone looks the same. you cant really remember anyone, their names...just like they wont remember yours. so in that sense, we are all invisible dots...

i miss some people. and the people i miss are people i didnt expect to miss at all...

happy ramadhan. i dont have pictures. but i can tell you that besancon... is a beautiful place. a small town, bien sur, but ca marche. it is a good place to live. not much night life, like, the streets arent exactly bustling with drunk people all going to nightclubs, no. i am beginning to love the place. the weather is now bearable... i no longer have to wear scarf around my neck all the time. HAHAHA.

still looking for an appartment. but i am beginning to think that i might not want to move after all. it's so easy to live here. breakfast every morning (cereals, bread, jams, orang juice, fruits...). my own toilet. the room's size is not bad, and very clean. the whole building has very nice people. just a bit expensive for just a room with toilet but...everything is included. electricity. water. free wifi downstairs. labo machine. u can cook here too... everything. just that... you cant really invite people to come over ur room. hmmm.

anyway i am going. but i wish u all a happy ramadhan. i miss you!

Lost in Paris.

2008-08-28T12:10:00.000-07:00

this was from last night's trip around paris...

i spent the whole day today at the area around la chapelle... just walking and walking. from sacre-coeur i ended up at rue la Fayette... and that was about 40 minutes walking. it was okay though, i let myself get lost...

it's one am here. hmmm.

Night Adventure

2008-08-28T01:03:00.000-07:00

hey everyone. i have a lot to say actually but i dont feel it now. last night i went out with an old friend. he's french. i finally got to see notre-dame at night! it's spectacular. and the pyramid at louvre is really stunning too!

will put in details when i have time. now it's time for my petit-dejeuner... ;)

Visions of Paris

2008-08-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

my second day. and what did i do? sightseeing! i am not about to give too many details... just that, i finally learnt how to use the metro! it's so easy! and with that, i can go anywhere i want in paris. to some, it might not be a big deal but hey, this is only my second day! after that, i went on the red bus and went to most of the key places in paris, eiffel, hotel des invalides, louvre...to name a few.

went back to the hotel around 4pm to go online... video call is so cool. i love technology. AH! globalisation! ;p around 9.30pm, i went out again... just to stroll around champs-elysees. wanted to get something to eat as well... ah but it's the view that captured me tadi. i was just walking and walking you know? just... drinking in everything. the people. the view. everything. it was great...

tomorrow i am checking out but most probably staying with one of the secretaries of the embassy. still in paris, and still very close to everything...

something cool is gonna happen tomorrow as well!

C'est moi!

2008-08-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

HELLO FROM PARIS!

yes folks. i made the journey. the excruciating long hours in the plane. the crappy food it served. i must say though, it was such a boring journey. it was so long.

the farewell moment at the airport in brunei was sad. i actually felt sad but i dont know. i didnt feel like crying. i knew myself, right from the start, that i wont cry. but i know id feel sad and i did. so many people came that night and none of them i expected... so really, thank you. thank you to those who came and made me feel that i actually mattered. =) i love you.

first stop was dubai. i didnt get the chance to take pictures (not that there was anything remotely interesting... except maybe the people who slept on the floor looking like refugees...) talked a bit with syee. oh and i bought a pair of shoes, reebok, cause i couldnt stand the shoes that i was using that time. so far, that is the only thing that i bought since i flew off. ;p

then i got to london. parted with the others and braved heathrow alone. went to terminal 5, alone. checked in, alone. everything, i did it myself and must i say, i was quite proud. HAHA. skadar kah tu? anyway 3 hours in heathrow passed so quickly, i nearly missed my flight! it was already the final call! i had to rush, took the transit line to the B gates and then i was boarding the plane to paris.

i slept all the way to paris. i didnt get the chance to see the view.

HAHA.

anyway, i was picked up by auntie fauziah at cdg (note: it's not gadong...) guess what peeps? my first lunch? it was a turkey dish! the taste is very foreign... mcm kebab but not really? hmm makes sense? anyway... story short, i am staying at radisson hotel, very close to embassy and the champs-elysees. it's awesome, really. a room all to myself in paris??? near champs-elysees? AHHHH!

so after registering myself in paris... i went strolling. not shopping. cause the money changers in paris just wont accept brunei dollars. it's actually REALLY annoying. but nevermind, i wasnt in the mood for shopping... (that's a lie. i was, but i just dont want to fall in the trap of falling for the first thing i see. smart!)

i am in love. again. and it really makes you feel alive, doesnt it?

you know i am missing you.

the departure day

2008-08-23T13:14:00.000-07:00

hi!

it's my first post in my very own blog. i guess i wanted to have this one only to chronicle or rather highlights events that would be going on in my life in France for the next... few years. technically, i am supposed to be staying for like 4 years? but i am not so sure anymore. it's a bit too complicated to explain so i am just not going to!

anyway, i am leaving today! it is the 24th of august and my flight departs at 7.30pm! am i excited? anxious? nervous? well, i would definitely say that i feel heavy...about leaving. i just refuse to get all sentimental though.

it's a start of a new chapter.

*breathes in deeply*

although, i must say, i will miss a lot of people here... actually, scratch that. i am going to miss a few people. =p

these are only some of them...

ohhh. those pictures above are taken from the camera from my lappy. i got myself a new laptop~ it's the lizard skin sony vaio, silver (not pink...my cousin is getting that... heh heh and i am not a pink person i think...). it's such a cool laptop and i love it to bits!!! it has the same specs as a CR 353, but i upgraded my RAM to 3Gb... cause i love photoshop-ing. =p

i think... i actually have 35kg of baggage allowance after all! but i only packed for 20kg. simple reason... i thought that i was only given 20 from heathrow to charles de gaulle!

nyeh.

i will miss this little baby. =)

bah, wish me a safe flight and hopefully my luggage bag IS 35 kg. cause i so want to pack more things.....