Welcome to Paris!

I haven't been posting anywhere else other than Twitter or Facebook and these places are pretty open. I update stuffs there, put photos on and generally communicate with people. I doubt anybody still reads this blog. It hasn't been updated since 2009! I guess there are several reasons for this.

My huge relationship followed by huge break-up

Goes without saying. Found someone here at some point, was in a serious relationship and this continued for at least 2 years and somehow just ended abruptly. Because of the situation and complications that surround this relation (alteration over there peeps...), I had to keep my life private (isn't that how it is supposed to be anyway?). Hence, no blogging but I did start a blog where I chronicled my stay in Greece. A bittersweet and tumultuous stay. We no longer talk as that is what he wishes for and I totally respect this. That being said, it remains to be one of the relationships I had that really marked my life. 

Found Love again (and again)

Not long after the sudden break-up, I found comfort in a long-time ex. It was sort of our "last chance" but we blew it. Things have changed so much over the years and while he thought I was still the same old Fee who used to fuck things up, well I thought he changed to someone I basically didn't know and to some extent, could not love. Funny how life goes. It was only after this break up that I actually really got over him because all this while, I thought he was 'the one that got away'. Now, it's more like 'I was the one who got away'. I guess it's inevitable, when two people are drastically different and seeing how my views towards things in life have changed, the desire to stay with someone who you just don't connect with anymore fades. I won't say that it didn't hurt. Because I was. And I was severely disappointed but I have been waiting for so long for this 'reunion' to happen. And when it happened and it didn't work then it isn't meant to be now is it? 

(and again)

But as the saying goes, 'when one door closes, many others would open' and this was especially true. I finally decided to really give a chance to this person who I have known for a while but never really thought of making anything of it. Yet I did. And it turned out to be the most sane and the healthiest decision that I have made so far. Why? Because with him, things didn't have to be complicated. We are two people who love each other dearly FULLSTOP. No drama. That is how my relationship has been with him. Just simple, steady and loving relationship. He isn't always around but he's there. He gives me the freedom, the liberty and the space I need to grow because I am indeed still growing. Growing as a person, growing into the woman I want to be. We seldom fight but when we do, no harsh words are thrown around, no loud voices and especially no hurtful remarks. We try to rationalize things, we discuss, we talk. I think that this is how a real working relationship must function. 

Starting and finishing my degree

When I last wrote in this blog, I was still in CLA. I was...turning 20. I was not doing my degree yet. But September 2009 was when I started university for real and it was challenging. My first year in the university was just hell. And I got mediocre results. I was just not... ready. But when the first big break-up happened, well, it woke me up. It's ironic how harsh words from an ex would be the pushing force behind the motivation I had to succeed in my last year. It was haunting me all year. And like a haunted person, I studied and studied and studied and I got excellent results. The professors loved me. This life I led had its' consequences though. My circle of friends got smaller. I did not invest on my friends, especially the girls I was in class with who nevertheless helped me anyway. This is one of the things I regret. I had to reject a lot of invites to hang out all because I was busy...studying. So when university ended, it came as no surprise that I never really heard from any of them. And while I want to try to be a better friend, it's just too late. 

My move to Paris

However, 2012 did change my life. Thanks to all the hard work I put into my academics (and maybe less partying but then again, that's just my opinion), I have been accepted to pursue my Master's in Nice AND Paris. A lot of things came to mind when I got the letters. For the longest time, my dream was to go to Nice and live there. Sun and the beautiful French riviera right on my doorstep. The program was also a reputed one too. But helas, the program in Nice could still not compare to the program I got accepted to in Paris. I mean, it's...Paris. And the university is recognized world-wide. When I was doing some research on the university, I saw that they had exchange programs with Oxford (UK), King's College (UK) and Yale (US) just to name a few. How could I pass up on an excellent opportunity like that right? Still, one of the other BIG reason was that Nice is too far away from where my boyfriend works and lives. It's about 10 hours ride away from his military base (both cars and trains!) and this was too much. Being the realistic cynic I was, I knew that it wouldn't work very well if I was to go to Nice. The distance was too huge. And we were still a young relationship that was slowly becoming more serious. I wanted to give it a chance. Heck, I wanted to give ME a chance - to finally have that elusive long-lasting happiness. So I chose Paris. And I moved to Paris, living in a small chic studio near Louvre in the first arrondissement. 

And boy, was it a HUGE change. To recap, basically these were the cool things that I got to do or that happened to me. I became part of the University's debate team, participating in debates not only in France but also in other countries. We also debated against the best universities in Paris: Sciences Po, Polytechnique, Centrale to name a few. I also participated in a round table with alumni from Yale that turned out to be an enriching experience. I wined and dined with other prominent debaters and former debaters alongside ambassadors at the Assemblée Nationale. This I can tell you was one of the highlights for this year so far! I got to organise an event along with other dynamic young people in ESCP, an event which gave me the chance to meet researchers and even a famous jazz piano player. We mingled, we talked, we shared. But I also got to make new friends. Friends who I could really connect with. They are smart, intelligent and with big hearts. I call them my Parisian friends because well, honey, these Parisians are nothing like the french you meet elsewhere in France. 



That's just me naming some of the things I did so far in Paris. If I did not mention my program to be one of the cool things I did - it's not a coincidence. My program turned out to be a disappointing one. I kind of expected a more dynamic and challenging environment but it wasn't like that. It's very systematic and routine-like. I couldn't really bring myself to enjoy my experience as a Master's student there. Plus the huge, and I mean HUGE number of students in my batch made it really hard to really fit in and make friends. It's super competitive too so people tend to be more individualist. So my friends are composed of either people from the Faculty of Law or people from other institutions. 

The good thing about moving to Paris is that I get to keep my relationship healthy. At least for the first few months... because about two months ago, he was asked to go to Afghanistan for four months. Well two months have passed now and it. has. been. so. hard. But I am coping with this huge distance, even if there is a small part of me that resents the fact that he had to go. 

There. A little run-through of my life so far. I don't know if I will continue writing. We'll see. 

in your face.

yes, i will be annoying and in your face.

here is my wishlist for my birthday. mom, dont think that because you are far away you wont be involved in this. :P okay so nevermind, you are exempted. but other people, in UK, AHEM AHEM... i would love to have an ipod, a TV and a new handbag, preferably a designer one.

hahahahahahaha.

that and a pair of really nice heels. and really nice dress to go along with it. and a sponsored haircut.

ahhh i wish i am back in brunei to do and HAVE all these things. :P i also want the chocolate cake i love so much in coffee zone. but wait, i want dinner at escapade sushi. and then dessert at swensen's ice cream restaurant. and then a walk along the beach at night. if i was to be at home, this would be how i would have spent it. dinner, dessert, beach, nice company. a family dinner is fine too. that way i get more prezzies. what girl doesnt like receiving gifts anyway? :P

well here, from what i can guess, this year it is going to be a bit different. it will be in...paris. the city of love. and i still want to do the whole dinner and dessert plus maybe du vin and then a night out in town. i would love to take a walk around the eiffel at night again though. i remember how lovely it was the first time i did that. i want to feel that feeling again.

my gift to myself this year is... a spiritual balance. i started this year with really no resolutions in mind. i am not about to say that i will have now. i just want to find that peace in me again. i felt that last year. a sense of balance, stability and peace. so i am going to try and reach that level again... and not lose focus on what my priorities are.

see. i CAN be a good girl when i want to. now where is my ipod, flatscreen TV and my designer handbag? or and a car too please so i can drive me ass around! :P

Green Blob and... Home.

easily my favourite thing at my place right now. <3

that feeling of wanting to go back to brunei is getting stronger and stronger everyday. it grabs me, really really grabs me. i have been contemplating the reasons why i would want to go home. i want to see my family. i want to see my friends. i want to see familiar faces. i want to be at a place where i feel that, as bad as it is, i feel somehow like i belong. sure there is no such thing as feeling like you really belong somewhere. it is a matter of adaptation- but that's just it. things change too fast here i cant really follow the train...its like i am always running after the last bus of the day. it's the same for 'home' too of course. to me home isnt really a place. home is the place where your heart is. where your loved ones are. so technically it can be anywhere... and right now, it definitely isnt here in Besac...at all...

i dont think it is a matter of weakness. or homesickness. i think it is a matter of taking it to the limit, testing it and seeing if you could go beyond. and right now i am waaay beyond, i took it to the limit but i am just done going forward. right now, i want to just be at a place where my motives wont be questioned, my being as a person is very much appreciated without conditions...basically i want to be at a place where i feel loved. and cherished. and appreciated. unconditionally. and this is only possible...with family. with my mom. my two little siblings whom i miss so much. and the band. and friends.

dont get me wrong. i like my life here. i have all the space i need, privacy and freedom to do as i wish. but nothing beats that feeling of being hugged by someone you love so much. nothing beats being around your family. nothing beats the fattening yet delicious food we have in brunei. ambuyat for example. i used to think that i am detached from all these things but they do come to your mind sometimes.

and i guess when things get a bit too lonely, when you feel like somehow youre struggling to even get through the day, when you feel like instead of looking forward to weekends you are dreading it, then at this point, it's like an automode to self-destruction. at least for me. and yet at the same time, you are like gasping for air while you are just simply drowning. and eventually you just get tired and just let go. hoping that somehow, maybe, miraculously, you'd find yourself shored. someway or another. what better place than... 'home'?

i did a lot of things today. i went to the bank to take out some money to pay rent. which is nice. and i decided to stay with the studio instead of letting it go during the summer........... sigh. a decision that i am wishing that i wont regret. and finally i did laundry. it was a killer experience. 6.50 euros to wash and dry clothes in the laundromat is....13 brunei dollars which equals 4 packets of ciggs. like fuck fuck fuck. forced myself to look at the bright side... my clothes are clean. i have clean clothes. and lost 6.50 euros! killl meeeee. i am trying to think of other things that i am supposed to do but i cant think of any. i suppose those are the only things that are done sooooo the things in my to-do list are done done done. i am dealing with an itchy throat though. like the coughing thing and so forth. sigh.


i also miss my turtles collection. and buttermilk chicken. and the salty sea. oven-baked sand. hot humid air. sweltering heat. grilled seafood. very cold coconut juice. sunset and sunrise over the horizon. these things are just.....calling me.

And we go up to dates.

<3

updates on me. and enough about my vagueness. this is time to be square like...trafalgar square... (lol-ing alone) :)

i finally applied for my health insurance thing. yes mom, i did and it was well worth it cause the doctors here are... charging ridiculous amount of money just taking a look at your tummy and your thing down there. sigh. i know why i finally did it though. because i hate receiving hospital bills. i just realised this now. i hate them almost as much as i hate going there. it kills me. the horror. the numbers. having to GO THERE AND PAY THE GODDAMN BILL IS EVEN MORE OF A KILLER.

yes i am slightly pissed off. but only because i was stupid enough to let this happen. if i had only......(slaps self) no time for regrets.

what else? life has been pretty much low key for me. i have so so many hours of being alone that i am starting to think like a hermit. but it isnt really that bad, being alone, it forces you to really think about stuff. and have conversations with yourself, and getting deep into ur inner soul...........right.

it has been interesting though. the morning walks to school while listening to music. my favourite songs and how they can really make a difference as to how your day go. or even if it doesnt, its nice to have a song that can complement how you feel. lately i have been listening to HIM, Bullet for my Valentine and The Cure. Weird combination but it works all the same. i especially love listening to Wings of a Butterfly by HIM. this song does wonder but still it cant compare to Tears don't fall by BFMV.

which goes without saying that because i have more time alone now, i began to listen to music again and it's nice, i have been meaning to listen to some songs and now i get to hear them, as angry as they seem to be.

hmmm my eating habits changed drastically though. i eat...to survive now. it's weird. i am developing a problem i think. hahahaha... no really though, i do eat. but i have a different pattern and habit of eating now. it's kind of ridiculous to explain here. it's like putting yourself in front of a shooting squad.

this weekend... i have no plan. like specific ones. i have several work lined up, one of them is a topic that i am supposed to discuss in class which is about Sarkozy and his reforms and whether or not he is an Illusionist. this kind of sucks for me cause i dont know much on this topic... i also have to translate a document... and the list goes on.

i miss my family. very much. i miss my brother arif. i really really miss him and it is to the point of............ argh. i just want to see familiar faces, its kind of scary to suddenly not see the faces you are used to seeing anymore. i used to be able to detach myself from such things. i dont know what it is, i suppose i have turned a bit more sentimental about these things. which is disgusting and i should stop now.

eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

oh oh. and what else is on the calendar? me living 2 decades of life. 20. oh how i dread. it isnt really the fact that i hate the idea of getting old, though technically yes, i do hate this. its also the fact that it will be the first birthday where i dont spend it with anyone remotely special. family-, friends- and special person- wise. last year it was at JP with the band, and amal and H. last last year it was at Pantai Resto with Q and Z and a surprise gift and appearance from someone. basically, yes, i am spoiled with these things... it's like Valentine's day. where i always get flowers from my mother, i had this feeling too but then again, i had a really awesome one so i wont complain about that. now... it's like, going to be very... i dont know. i suppose i am training myself to not think so much into it. it's just a...birthday. nyeh... i cant even be bothered making up a wishlist and hinting everyone with it cause i am not with "everyone" right now. HAHA. okay so i am whining a bit...but i am allowed right?

...

i suppose there are other more tragic things happening in the world so i will rest it there at that point. other than that, i am just...living.

Make the best out of everything you have.

i have this little pot just outside my door and all winter it was barren, no leaves. but now, there are little flowers starting to bloom. and that is when i know winter is over and spring is somewhat in the air. yet the sky is still grey, rain is still falling and oh, i feel oh so cold.

and that is when it all started again. a rush of emotions.

Les petit mots pour lui.

Seether... Careless Whisper...

Was visiting EpicFrequency's blog and like, this song was recommended. Checked it out and it was beautiful. I loved the cover. Enjoy.