Welcome to Paris!

I haven't been posting anywhere else other than Twitter or Facebook and these places are pretty open. I update stuffs there, put photos on and generally communicate with people. I doubt anybody still reads this blog. It hasn't been updated since 2009! I guess there are several reasons for this.

My huge relationship followed by huge break-up

Goes without saying. Found someone here at some point, was in a serious relationship and this continued for at least 2 years and somehow just ended abruptly. Because of the situation and complications that surround this relation (alteration over there peeps...), I had to keep my life private (isn't that how it is supposed to be anyway?). Hence, no blogging but I did start a blog where I chronicled my stay in Greece. A bittersweet and tumultuous stay. We no longer talk as that is what he wishes for and I totally respect this. That being said, it remains to be one of the relationships I had that really marked my life. 

Found Love again (and again)

Not long after the sudden break-up, I found comfort in a long-time ex. It was sort of our "last chance" but we blew it. Things have changed so much over the years and while he thought I was still the same old Fee who used to fuck things up, well I thought he changed to someone I basically didn't know and to some extent, could not love. Funny how life goes. It was only after this break up that I actually really got over him because all this while, I thought he was 'the one that got away'. Now, it's more like 'I was the one who got away'. I guess it's inevitable, when two people are drastically different and seeing how my views towards things in life have changed, the desire to stay with someone who you just don't connect with anymore fades. I won't say that it didn't hurt. Because I was. And I was severely disappointed but I have been waiting for so long for this 'reunion' to happen. And when it happened and it didn't work then it isn't meant to be now is it? 

(and again)

But as the saying goes, 'when one door closes, many others would open' and this was especially true. I finally decided to really give a chance to this person who I have known for a while but never really thought of making anything of it. Yet I did. And it turned out to be the most sane and the healthiest decision that I have made so far. Why? Because with him, things didn't have to be complicated. We are two people who love each other dearly FULLSTOP. No drama. That is how my relationship has been with him. Just simple, steady and loving relationship. He isn't always around but he's there. He gives me the freedom, the liberty and the space I need to grow because I am indeed still growing. Growing as a person, growing into the woman I want to be. We seldom fight but when we do, no harsh words are thrown around, no loud voices and especially no hurtful remarks. We try to rationalize things, we discuss, we talk. I think that this is how a real working relationship must function. 

Starting and finishing my degree

When I last wrote in this blog, I was still in CLA. I was...turning 20. I was not doing my degree yet. But September 2009 was when I started university for real and it was challenging. My first year in the university was just hell. And I got mediocre results. I was just not... ready. But when the first big break-up happened, well, it woke me up. It's ironic how harsh words from an ex would be the pushing force behind the motivation I had to succeed in my last year. It was haunting me all year. And like a haunted person, I studied and studied and studied and I got excellent results. The professors loved me. This life I led had its' consequences though. My circle of friends got smaller. I did not invest on my friends, especially the girls I was in class with who nevertheless helped me anyway. This is one of the things I regret. I had to reject a lot of invites to hang out all because I was busy...studying. So when university ended, it came as no surprise that I never really heard from any of them. And while I want to try to be a better friend, it's just too late. 

My move to Paris

However, 2012 did change my life. Thanks to all the hard work I put into my academics (and maybe less partying but then again, that's just my opinion), I have been accepted to pursue my Master's in Nice AND Paris. A lot of things came to mind when I got the letters. For the longest time, my dream was to go to Nice and live there. Sun and the beautiful French riviera right on my doorstep. The program was also a reputed one too. But helas, the program in Nice could still not compare to the program I got accepted to in Paris. I mean, it's...Paris. And the university is recognized world-wide. When I was doing some research on the university, I saw that they had exchange programs with Oxford (UK), King's College (UK) and Yale (US) just to name a few. How could I pass up on an excellent opportunity like that right? Still, one of the other BIG reason was that Nice is too far away from where my boyfriend works and lives. It's about 10 hours ride away from his military base (both cars and trains!) and this was too much. Being the realistic cynic I was, I knew that it wouldn't work very well if I was to go to Nice. The distance was too huge. And we were still a young relationship that was slowly becoming more serious. I wanted to give it a chance. Heck, I wanted to give ME a chance - to finally have that elusive long-lasting happiness. So I chose Paris. And I moved to Paris, living in a small chic studio near Louvre in the first arrondissement. 

And boy, was it a HUGE change. To recap, basically these were the cool things that I got to do or that happened to me. I became part of the University's debate team, participating in debates not only in France but also in other countries. We also debated against the best universities in Paris: Sciences Po, Polytechnique, Centrale to name a few. I also participated in a round table with alumni from Yale that turned out to be an enriching experience. I wined and dined with other prominent debaters and former debaters alongside ambassadors at the Assemblée Nationale. This I can tell you was one of the highlights for this year so far! I got to organise an event along with other dynamic young people in ESCP, an event which gave me the chance to meet researchers and even a famous jazz piano player. We mingled, we talked, we shared. But I also got to make new friends. Friends who I could really connect with. They are smart, intelligent and with big hearts. I call them my Parisian friends because well, honey, these Parisians are nothing like the french you meet elsewhere in France. 



That's just me naming some of the things I did so far in Paris. If I did not mention my program to be one of the cool things I did - it's not a coincidence. My program turned out to be a disappointing one. I kind of expected a more dynamic and challenging environment but it wasn't like that. It's very systematic and routine-like. I couldn't really bring myself to enjoy my experience as a Master's student there. Plus the huge, and I mean HUGE number of students in my batch made it really hard to really fit in and make friends. It's super competitive too so people tend to be more individualist. So my friends are composed of either people from the Faculty of Law or people from other institutions. 

The good thing about moving to Paris is that I get to keep my relationship healthy. At least for the first few months... because about two months ago, he was asked to go to Afghanistan for four months. Well two months have passed now and it. has. been. so. hard. But I am coping with this huge distance, even if there is a small part of me that resents the fact that he had to go. 

There. A little run-through of my life so far. I don't know if I will continue writing. We'll see. 

in your face.

yes, i will be annoying and in your face.

here is my wishlist for my birthday. mom, dont think that because you are far away you wont be involved in this. :P okay so nevermind, you are exempted. but other people, in UK, AHEM AHEM... i would love to have an ipod, a TV and a new handbag, preferably a designer one.

hahahahahahaha.

that and a pair of really nice heels. and really nice dress to go along with it. and a sponsored haircut.

ahhh i wish i am back in brunei to do and HAVE all these things. :P i also want the chocolate cake i love so much in coffee zone. but wait, i want dinner at escapade sushi. and then dessert at swensen's ice cream restaurant. and then a walk along the beach at night. if i was to be at home, this would be how i would have spent it. dinner, dessert, beach, nice company. a family dinner is fine too. that way i get more prezzies. what girl doesnt like receiving gifts anyway? :P

well here, from what i can guess, this year it is going to be a bit different. it will be in...paris. the city of love. and i still want to do the whole dinner and dessert plus maybe du vin and then a night out in town. i would love to take a walk around the eiffel at night again though. i remember how lovely it was the first time i did that. i want to feel that feeling again.

my gift to myself this year is... a spiritual balance. i started this year with really no resolutions in mind. i am not about to say that i will have now. i just want to find that peace in me again. i felt that last year. a sense of balance, stability and peace. so i am going to try and reach that level again... and not lose focus on what my priorities are.

see. i CAN be a good girl when i want to. now where is my ipod, flatscreen TV and my designer handbag? or and a car too please so i can drive me ass around! :P

Green Blob and... Home.

easily my favourite thing at my place right now. <3

that feeling of wanting to go back to brunei is getting stronger and stronger everyday. it grabs me, really really grabs me. i have been contemplating the reasons why i would want to go home. i want to see my family. i want to see my friends. i want to see familiar faces. i want to be at a place where i feel that, as bad as it is, i feel somehow like i belong. sure there is no such thing as feeling like you really belong somewhere. it is a matter of adaptation- but that's just it. things change too fast here i cant really follow the train...its like i am always running after the last bus of the day. it's the same for 'home' too of course. to me home isnt really a place. home is the place where your heart is. where your loved ones are. so technically it can be anywhere... and right now, it definitely isnt here in Besac...at all...

i dont think it is a matter of weakness. or homesickness. i think it is a matter of taking it to the limit, testing it and seeing if you could go beyond. and right now i am waaay beyond, i took it to the limit but i am just done going forward. right now, i want to just be at a place where my motives wont be questioned, my being as a person is very much appreciated without conditions...basically i want to be at a place where i feel loved. and cherished. and appreciated. unconditionally. and this is only possible...with family. with my mom. my two little siblings whom i miss so much. and the band. and friends.

dont get me wrong. i like my life here. i have all the space i need, privacy and freedom to do as i wish. but nothing beats that feeling of being hugged by someone you love so much. nothing beats being around your family. nothing beats the fattening yet delicious food we have in brunei. ambuyat for example. i used to think that i am detached from all these things but they do come to your mind sometimes.

and i guess when things get a bit too lonely, when you feel like somehow youre struggling to even get through the day, when you feel like instead of looking forward to weekends you are dreading it, then at this point, it's like an automode to self-destruction. at least for me. and yet at the same time, you are like gasping for air while you are just simply drowning. and eventually you just get tired and just let go. hoping that somehow, maybe, miraculously, you'd find yourself shored. someway or another. what better place than... 'home'?

i did a lot of things today. i went to the bank to take out some money to pay rent. which is nice. and i decided to stay with the studio instead of letting it go during the summer........... sigh. a decision that i am wishing that i wont regret. and finally i did laundry. it was a killer experience. 6.50 euros to wash and dry clothes in the laundromat is....13 brunei dollars which equals 4 packets of ciggs. like fuck fuck fuck. forced myself to look at the bright side... my clothes are clean. i have clean clothes. and lost 6.50 euros! killl meeeee. i am trying to think of other things that i am supposed to do but i cant think of any. i suppose those are the only things that are done sooooo the things in my to-do list are done done done. i am dealing with an itchy throat though. like the coughing thing and so forth. sigh.


i also miss my turtles collection. and buttermilk chicken. and the salty sea. oven-baked sand. hot humid air. sweltering heat. grilled seafood. very cold coconut juice. sunset and sunrise over the horizon. these things are just.....calling me.

And we go up to dates.

<3

updates on me. and enough about my vagueness. this is time to be square like...trafalgar square... (lol-ing alone) :)

i finally applied for my health insurance thing. yes mom, i did and it was well worth it cause the doctors here are... charging ridiculous amount of money just taking a look at your tummy and your thing down there. sigh. i know why i finally did it though. because i hate receiving hospital bills. i just realised this now. i hate them almost as much as i hate going there. it kills me. the horror. the numbers. having to GO THERE AND PAY THE GODDAMN BILL IS EVEN MORE OF A KILLER.

yes i am slightly pissed off. but only because i was stupid enough to let this happen. if i had only......(slaps self) no time for regrets.

what else? life has been pretty much low key for me. i have so so many hours of being alone that i am starting to think like a hermit. but it isnt really that bad, being alone, it forces you to really think about stuff. and have conversations with yourself, and getting deep into ur inner soul...........right.

it has been interesting though. the morning walks to school while listening to music. my favourite songs and how they can really make a difference as to how your day go. or even if it doesnt, its nice to have a song that can complement how you feel. lately i have been listening to HIM, Bullet for my Valentine and The Cure. Weird combination but it works all the same. i especially love listening to Wings of a Butterfly by HIM. this song does wonder but still it cant compare to Tears don't fall by BFMV.

which goes without saying that because i have more time alone now, i began to listen to music again and it's nice, i have been meaning to listen to some songs and now i get to hear them, as angry as they seem to be.

hmmm my eating habits changed drastically though. i eat...to survive now. it's weird. i am developing a problem i think. hahahaha... no really though, i do eat. but i have a different pattern and habit of eating now. it's kind of ridiculous to explain here. it's like putting yourself in front of a shooting squad.

this weekend... i have no plan. like specific ones. i have several work lined up, one of them is a topic that i am supposed to discuss in class which is about Sarkozy and his reforms and whether or not he is an Illusionist. this kind of sucks for me cause i dont know much on this topic... i also have to translate a document... and the list goes on.

i miss my family. very much. i miss my brother arif. i really really miss him and it is to the point of............ argh. i just want to see familiar faces, its kind of scary to suddenly not see the faces you are used to seeing anymore. i used to be able to detach myself from such things. i dont know what it is, i suppose i have turned a bit more sentimental about these things. which is disgusting and i should stop now.

eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

oh oh. and what else is on the calendar? me living 2 decades of life. 20. oh how i dread. it isnt really the fact that i hate the idea of getting old, though technically yes, i do hate this. its also the fact that it will be the first birthday where i dont spend it with anyone remotely special. family-, friends- and special person- wise. last year it was at JP with the band, and amal and H. last last year it was at Pantai Resto with Q and Z and a surprise gift and appearance from someone. basically, yes, i am spoiled with these things... it's like Valentine's day. where i always get flowers from my mother, i had this feeling too but then again, i had a really awesome one so i wont complain about that. now... it's like, going to be very... i dont know. i suppose i am training myself to not think so much into it. it's just a...birthday. nyeh... i cant even be bothered making up a wishlist and hinting everyone with it cause i am not with "everyone" right now. HAHA. okay so i am whining a bit...but i am allowed right?

...

i suppose there are other more tragic things happening in the world so i will rest it there at that point. other than that, i am just...living.

Make the best out of everything you have.

i have this little pot just outside my door and all winter it was barren, no leaves. but now, there are little flowers starting to bloom. and that is when i know winter is over and spring is somewhat in the air. yet the sky is still grey, rain is still falling and oh, i feel oh so cold.

and that is when it all started again. a rush of emotions.

Les petit mots pour lui.

Seether... Careless Whisper...

Was visiting EpicFrequency's blog and like, this song was recommended. Checked it out and it was beautiful. I loved the cover. Enjoy.

safe haven.

we all want a place where we could feel safe. a place that feels like home and makes you feel at ease and at your best. a place where you feel like you have people with you who mean something to you and that you can have meaningful conversations with. that's a safe place for me. yet in life, we are always thrown to places far away from that 'safe place'. and there are reasons for this... we dont want to be too wrapped up in our own little worlds. the bigger world out there isnt safe, it's a jungle where everyone is basically looking out for themselves. that is the ultimate lesson, that at the end of the day, it's a matter of survival. everyone will just want to save themselves. you just have to keep up.

for instance, i wouldnt exactly say that i feel oh-so-safe here. i felt safe back home, despite the circumstances i faced, i felt safe anyway because i had my mother, my bestfriends and the people i love. i was doing things i love too. but at the back of my head i always knew that i would face the 'real world' soon enough... i wanted to anyway. so unconsciously i prepared myself for this. and i must say i did prepare myself well. being in the real world, makes life worth living. and then when i arrived here, completely alone when i first came, i immediately knew that wow, yes, they are right, this isnt going to be easy. and it wasnt. the language barrier, a totally new culture, different types of people... what is a little girl like me to do? i faced them... the first few weeks were rough, doing all these admin works, endless trips to prefecture, sfr, agency, househunting... new people entering and this was especially a problem.

letting people in has never been an easy thing you know? you know it has to be done, but that doesnt make it easy. so i felt unsafe, exposed, vulnerable. however, as my character wouldnt let me, i had to plough through... i had no choice. i might have made oh-so-many mistakes along the way but at the end of the day what mattered was that, i got through. and i settled in well, i had friends. but i guess the thing that still agonise me is... changes. when people left. it is especially so in my case where in my course, people dont stay. they stay for a while and they go and this constant change makes me more reserved than usual. it's like, nothing is ever permanent here.

if i had just stayed in brunei, i would be safe. but would it be living life to the fullest? if i dont do this now, then when would it be? why would i want to stay safe in brunei when i know that i would be staying there for the rest of my life and would end up feeling 'safe' anyway? it's a path. and i am still in it... and so far, i went through some sweet, bitter, painful times but these are still experiences. i know for sure now though that somehow right now, i feel...numb.

it's a familiar thing. what does one do when one feels...numb? auto-mode takes over. i continue doing the same things, despite feeling that hollow numbness. i am used to do this anyway...doing things unfeelingly. doing things without any particular emotions...

i am going home summer it seems... i am hoping that it will make me feel better. seeing my mother, my family, my friends over there, REAL sunshine with REAL heat... hopefully i will feel less cold inside. less...numb? i dont know.

the clock is ticking tick-tock tick-tock.

Running Adidas.

The bridge that I cross everyday. The walk up, exhausting I tell you... But it works out the ass.

-

There was a strike today.....again. I am expecting more to come during this spring. Especially with what has been going on in France and now that the weather is warmer. Like, really really warm. I felt my hair... burning. But it was great. Me and a friend went to have lunch and just sat at Place de Revolution watching the manifestation.

Place de la Revolution. This was also where the Christmas market was held.

Can you see the people half-naked on the Fountain? That was how...warm it was.

See how nice it was? Everyone was just outside, basking under the sun. Eating, drinking. There were also some music thing going on.

Near CLA, otw to Pont Battant.
-

Basically, it was so warm, such a beautiful day that I decided to run. It was my first real run cause I tried it once before during winter, and let me tell you, It was hell. Not only was the temperature freezing, I also didnt have proper running shoes. Macam puki. So when I was in London, I bought me a pair of running shoes. Adidas. I was never a fan but this was really, really good. The feel was right, very light, and it was just heavenly to run in these shoes. I ended up running non-stop for about 5km which I considered a feat as again, I havent really been running. I reckon that I would be starting to run everyday from now on and consider quitting nicotine addiction.

-

But that remains to be seen... and probably hoping for too much.

-

I also went swimming the other night with E. I was never a good swimmer but it was good fun, I walked all the way from Temis to home.

-

" I'm going home to the place where I belong

Where your love has always been enough for me

And I'm not running from.. I think you got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me'

But these places and these faces are getting old

I'm going home "

to mom.

note: the first two pics... theyre thanks to izzul. :)

Lost and Found.

I had a long weekend in London. Pretty much a last minute thing. Met up with some wonderful people. Went to more places than the last time I went there.

Izzul the photographer.

Oh Deebus.

I love you.

My brother who came down to London just to meet me up despite the...very last minute nature of my visit. Thank you.

Thank you...

So that is pretty much it. I might be going back home after all. Yes folks, I am. You read it right. No need to read it twice... Problem is that I still cant decide whether or not I am going back easter or summer. If I do on Easter then what would I be doing Summer? I had something planned but that thing flopped, I have no job prospects whatsoever, I don't even know if I even want to have one. So right now, it's a matter of...survival and prioritizing. I might just spend Easter in London, and then spend the whole summer in Brunei, sun and all. Family. Possibly...

On verra. We can't predict what the future brings. I realised that now. You can plan all you want but you can only see it being realised when it actually happens. But I know what I have to do. All I gotta do is to trudge on.

nuff said.

i find it so hard to communicate my feelings to people. expressions and so forth. as much as possible, i avoid these things. is it sad that only very very few people have access on what is on my mind? i dont know about that but well, it doesnt really matter...

it has officially been 6 months since i left brunei. since month that i am here. it was tough at first, the transition period for me was really, really tough. but after getting over it i finally realised the true essence of being here which was to live. to just...live. i love studying here in france and although it has its disadvantages, like not being able to see the bruneian best friends as much as i would like to... it's a nice country to live in. geographically ideal too, to visit europe at least.

i asked myself if i have changed and i think i have. this particular change though, isnt exactly a straight line. at first the line went falling down, like really down but now it is going up gradually.

i can honestly say i am happy here. i have the space and privacy that i long for. that i have been longing for. the need to breathe. the freedom to decide for myself and my own life while still staying true to my roots. the soil that i need to branch out these roots... ahhh you know how it is when you are abroad. you try to experience as many things as possible. you make do many decisions everyday and 99% of these decisions are normally not decisions you would make for yourself. like... what is for dinner? what is there to buy for groceries... it's really...cool.

but if there is something that is still there...it would be this inability to express myself. this constant need to supress what i feel inside me. this thing where i just completely shut myself, even to myself.

i will stop there.

enough said.

because my life is too good.

i admit my last post seem kinda... sad but i was far from feeling that when i wrote it anyway. it was more like angry and disappointment but sad, i am tired of feeling that. life is too good, too short...too beautiful. so many things have been up with me and i am feeling sooooo good.

well, my brother came to france recently and he spent 5 days in total with me. he came on a saturday, coincidentally on a valentine's day and we spent sunday afternoon just strolling in paris. speaking of which, i left besancon for paris on thursday last week, went to caen and le mont st michel with very good friends. it was amazing that place! and then on friday we got back to paris. basically my time in paris was very relaxing, it was probably the best weekend i had had so far! the weather was sunny all day, quite warm and the company i had was great so the whole combination was perfect. :) even made the usual stops at eiffel tower, notre dame, louvre and others.

and then while my brother was here with me in besancon, we had the chance to spend some quality time. we went bowling! and we even sang a duet together. ahhh and he went with me for my singing training. i miss him already. :( yes people, he went back to london yesterday.

i have no school monday and tuesday cause my teachers went for a mission. :) my plans? study. study. study. and maybe insert a bit of fun... ;)

have you ever?

have you ever felt like you are in a tunnel and you cant seem to find your way out? that everywhere you see is darkness. have you ever been slapped on the face with a force so strong, you feel completely numb after that? not just physically but by words. have you ever felt like nothing could hurt you until you find yet another thing that does and you see the world as you rebuilt it, crash for oh-the-unknownth-time.

have you ever felt like you are just afraid to cry because you are afraid of a breakdown? have you ever felt so lonely you are simply going crazy inside?

what is more, have you ever felt so tired of feeling like these... yet you hold on. because that is the only thing you can do.

have you ever had the SAME words being thrown at you oh-so-many times by different people and yet you still repeat the same mistakes by just letting people get into your life and affect your feelings? have you ever been thought as...crazy? have you ever felt like you have your heart being slowly twisted, cut, squeezed and you are simply...helpless?

have you... ever felt like you want to run away so bad but you keep on running in circles instead? have you ever missed so many people without even knowing why, and that it actually hurts?

have you ever felt like you are seen as somebody you are simply not yet you feel like you HAVE to be that person as that is what is expected from you? have you ever felt like you just want to... let go and cry but being unable to because you HAVE to be strong?

do you know how tiring it is to hear people telling you off and keep on telling you to be strong and strong and strong... when you know deep inside you are not?


well, whatever. i am not so sure myself.

i dig my toes into the sand...

"i wish you were here"

"tonight we drink to youth"

"further down the river..."

"i dig my toes into the sand..."

"i think you would only last with him for...."

these words, these phrases we said...

sandy beaches. cute bikinis. our favourite banana boat. :)



back when nothing else matters but OUR happiness and each other. back when it was...really...really... cool.

back when the sea, the ocean, the sun and the beach were like...air to us.

closest thing to crazy

what is the craziest thing you have done? no doubt, i have quite a few. my friends would remember high school days...ohhhh the horror! oh the fun. taking things to the limits. the daring spirit. or basically the i-dont-fucking-care attitude. aahhh fun fun fun.

and no this isnt a post about... the crazy things i did. but i am pretty sure everyone has a bit of an idea of what kind of crazy things i did. and i am sure each and one of you has this. fuck it. i am not about to judge and so do you. it was fun while it lasted wasnt it?

no no... i am also not going to talk about what crazy things i did in france. nothing seems to really faze me anymore. or shock me. it's kinda sad. i grew stronger but at the same time, more emotionally...vulnerable. exposed. the need to retaliate and act out is... getting weaker which only shows just how... exposed i am. do we ever learn from mistakes?

besancon is so crazy grey and rainy and it is sooooo annoying. depressing. this morning started out really really bad. i missed the bus by a few seconds, i was just...behind it when it just....left. so i walked and rain started falling and it became heavier by the second. then the horror... i was walking when a car passed by tres rapidement et voilaaaaaaaaa... i got splashed and my books were messed up.

it didnt get any better during the day too. cause by the end of the first lesson, i was just tooooo tired. and the day dragged on and by 3 pm, i was only toooooooooooooo happy to be back home, all warm and snuggly. hugs anyone? at least lunch was good today.

i havent heard from anyone!!!!!!!!!! it's annoying. deebs, seem slike we're skyping again tonight. ahh i love you like i love my laughing cow. HAHA

ma famille

family in France?

my Filifina family.

my family in B. :)

=) the good people in life?

my family too- epic Frequency

my Darwisy!

hi everyone. i just want to talk about my day. i received a call from my Aunt. for those who know me well, well i am talking about my aunt who was also my teacher before back when i was in MS. :) she is getting married so congratulations! i miss her very much, all of them cousins in brunei. the wedding is taking place in my place and me being here is so sad cause i am missing a wedding of a very important person!!!! and to think, the next generation who would be getting married is my generation, i dont have any other aunt or uncle who is getting married so this is biggggg... anyway from what i heard from her and my mom, the wedding is going smoothly and according to plans, despite of course, the infamous electricity cuts. :) i miss my family! and i want to see the beach. i miss sandy beaches, hot temperature and sunny cloudless daysssss...

=)

unfeeling?

this was at Bern, Switzerland. :) i want to go here again. um, please? anyone interested?

i try not to entertain sentiments. i always say i dont um, feel things. it's like a wall that i put around me. and i am sick of this wall. i want to break free. being in the confines of these walls, it gave me limited access to a sense of... freedom. i want to start taking risks again. i want to be worried. i want to actually...care. i dont think i can ever be that person who does something really against what she believes in and what she wants to do and not feel anything again. because i used to be able to do that. do something totally shocking and just not feel...anything.

and i used to pride myself with that. it's almost like an ability of some sort. to be able to just... feel nothing. but i cant. it's like you are dead and unfeeling. and in love, it's like you dont really feel anything. in life, it's like you are not really living it. doesnt that contradict everything about...life? unfeeling but at the same time 'living' yet how can you live when you dont...feel. right?

i am writing this after the erasmus party i went to.. i dont know what time it is. but yeah, the party was great. we met a lot of interesting people. you know, the kind of people you laugh about after, when you are with your friends. it's good though, that they do these things cause this is how you meet people. not necessarily people you want to date or go out with but simply meeting people. of course in a sense it is sad cause for some people, meeting others is a necessity...it's like a proof that you exist cause others can see you and you can see them. do you think that is what they meant by being so...'alive' when they meet other people?? anyway, it is also good for speaking french. relearning everything again and trying to get that confidence, the same or at least nearly the same level to speak french like how i speak english or malay.

oh i dont have classes on friday. i made sure that my schedule is freeeeeeeeee. which is good cause this works long-term. how is everyone anyway? for those who actually reads this, leave something on the chatbox and tell me how you guys are. really, i'd appreciate it. :)

my weird thinking mode annoying super super annoying day. like really.

today started out a bit... weirdly. i feel so much stressed and my head is spinning (it still is...). is there any way i can handle this stress better? drugs anyone? (haha...)

my classes were as usual, great. i love what i am doing although i am starting to feel a bit... grrr... stressed? i cant help but think of what exactly am i doing here. it's like, you know that you are doing this course but you dont exactly know where it will bring you. and this uncertainty of where exactly i will end up is scary. all my life i have always known that i would get the scholarship, it was what i was working for all my life and now that i have it, it's like... um what? what now?

of course, at the same time, i do the things that are expected. go to class, learn something, socialise, live and basically just...live. the phase where i felt lost and a bit weird has now passed and now that i see things more clearly... it is a bit like going for a drive and just driving forward but not exactly knowing where to go? it's like, when you miss a turn, you just say... "um oops?" but you kept on moving anyway. is this normal? like, this is how life is right...? you just keep on going and going and see what adventures and what things you see on the way and still searching for that one place where you feel like you belong completely. where you feel complete. will this search ever end?

this search for a sense of belonging, a sense of completement (is there such a word? because i have no idea... we do have this word in french but it means a different thing...errrr...) is what constantly drives me forward. this search for something. always looking forward into...something and you just dont know what it is. being here doesnt help cause i am in a place where everything seems to stay the same. i am not in the place where everything seems to...move and change. and because i am a person who seems to complement her surroundings, this kind of place could drive me crazy by just staying...the same.

and if before i would just let this be, let this somekind of a rotting thing get me, now i move myself even though the things around me arent. forcing myself to do things. going out there (even though there arent that... many but is it really? since... if u dont go out and find out, how would you know right?) and try not to feel and depend so much because i really really dont want to repeat the same mistakes that i did... dependence. hope. faith.

i suppose i am thinking out loud. today has been stressful for me in so many levels. i am feeling things i am not supposed to feel, and before this would completely break me down... but i guess when you had your worse thing and managed to climb back up, the last place you'd want to go is to go back to the rot... so right now all i could do is just... go on and on and be accepting... disregard my feelings... be completely... zen?

yes. yes. i am a bit crazy. hahahahaha... :)

better in time

and i think i have found myself again. for a while i felt a bit lost, and out of focus... i lost the balance that i once proudly stood on. but now, i am better. i know what i want to do, and i will stand by them no matter what.

all i know is, i am gonna be okay. i wont let anything bring me down... i know better than to depend on anyone. at the end of the day, we stand on our own two feet and it should always be like that.

i miss my family. my friends. i especially miss my golden room...