enough.

ever since i came here i thought i could handle it well. i thought i would be strong enough to overcome whatever obstacles that come my way. having an LDR as well, i thought i could manage it well. but everything that i have expected turned out the opposite. it is like opening a dusty old closet and having the skeletons inside all stumbling out, all hitting me on the head and things i thought i have stopped doing or feeling are now slowly taking over me. i would love to think that i am this person who is happy, bubbly and sunny all the time. but i am not, you know? and that is what most people see me as. they have this vision of me, on how they expect me to be that sometimes even i myself get alienated with that they see me as.


there is this side of me that is inevitable. i get really moody sometimes. i get depressed, restless and unhappy. when these moments hit, i cry. or i hide. or i run away. a lot of factors can provoke this side of me. big changes. life-altering decisions. loneliness. and i have been getting a lot of this lately... hence, because of this side, i never really try to make new friends. i actually dont like the whole process of getting to know people. that is why it is hard when i was single... getting to know guys, especially guys in brunei just didnt interest me much. yet, i vowed to myself that i wont fall into that rut... and i managed so well earlier this year. but when i got here in france, i found myself falling and falling and falling...


i met and got acquainted well with some people in brunei before i went here. i got attached too. and these were huge developments, that i can tell you! i opened up... and then now, i find myself regretting it all. i shouldnt have. because this side of me, is like a curse. no one can ever truly understand.


i think the only person who truly can is my mother. i miss the moments where she would just go into my room and we will talk and talk and just talk. we never seem to run out of things to talk about... id just lie on the bed, her on my computer seat and we'll just chat away. when i am in my depressive mood, or when i am feeling particularly down, she would be able to sense it, and talk to me. really really talk me out of it. motivate me. giving me the reasons why i should continue this journey we all call...life.


and now, i find myself questioning the presence of certain people in my life... i used to believe that love and friendships can capture all but i dont see that now. the whole idea... is just...!@#$%^&*O



i feel so lonely here. and i find myself not having anyone to talk to. sure, i go out a lot. sure, my time here is somewhat packed but it just wont fill this hollow feeling...



"why do you have to be so sad anyway? youre there and you have your own life, you have ur freedom, you can do whatever you want"



and... i fall deeper into this rut. it's a confirmation of how... weak i am. and coming from a very significant person...




so what is the use of all these? egos are getting bigger... tension in the air... i find myself drifting away from all the people i love. people who promised to be...true... people who promised they wont change. but realistically...everyone changes...



no, dont try to understand me. i dont expect anyone to understand. i mean, everyone else can just very well continue on living their jolly pretentious life. i dont fucking care anymore.

i have had enough.