in your face.

yes, i will be annoying and in your face.

here is my wishlist for my birthday. mom, dont think that because you are far away you wont be involved in this. :P okay so nevermind, you are exempted. but other people, in UK, AHEM AHEM... i would love to have an ipod, a TV and a new handbag, preferably a designer one.

hahahahahahaha.

that and a pair of really nice heels. and really nice dress to go along with it. and a sponsored haircut.

ahhh i wish i am back in brunei to do and HAVE all these things. :P i also want the chocolate cake i love so much in coffee zone. but wait, i want dinner at escapade sushi. and then dessert at swensen's ice cream restaurant. and then a walk along the beach at night. if i was to be at home, this would be how i would have spent it. dinner, dessert, beach, nice company. a family dinner is fine too. that way i get more prezzies. what girl doesnt like receiving gifts anyway? :P

well here, from what i can guess, this year it is going to be a bit different. it will be in...paris. the city of love. and i still want to do the whole dinner and dessert plus maybe du vin and then a night out in town. i would love to take a walk around the eiffel at night again though. i remember how lovely it was the first time i did that. i want to feel that feeling again.

my gift to myself this year is... a spiritual balance. i started this year with really no resolutions in mind. i am not about to say that i will have now. i just want to find that peace in me again. i felt that last year. a sense of balance, stability and peace. so i am going to try and reach that level again... and not lose focus on what my priorities are.

see. i CAN be a good girl when i want to. now where is my ipod, flatscreen TV and my designer handbag? or and a car too please so i can drive me ass around! :P

Green Blob and... Home.

easily my favourite thing at my place right now. <3

that feeling of wanting to go back to brunei is getting stronger and stronger everyday. it grabs me, really really grabs me. i have been contemplating the reasons why i would want to go home. i want to see my family. i want to see my friends. i want to see familiar faces. i want to be at a place where i feel that, as bad as it is, i feel somehow like i belong. sure there is no such thing as feeling like you really belong somewhere. it is a matter of adaptation- but that's just it. things change too fast here i cant really follow the train...its like i am always running after the last bus of the day. it's the same for 'home' too of course. to me home isnt really a place. home is the place where your heart is. where your loved ones are. so technically it can be anywhere... and right now, it definitely isnt here in Besac...at all...

i dont think it is a matter of weakness. or homesickness. i think it is a matter of taking it to the limit, testing it and seeing if you could go beyond. and right now i am waaay beyond, i took it to the limit but i am just done going forward. right now, i want to just be at a place where my motives wont be questioned, my being as a person is very much appreciated without conditions...basically i want to be at a place where i feel loved. and cherished. and appreciated. unconditionally. and this is only possible...with family. with my mom. my two little siblings whom i miss so much. and the band. and friends.

dont get me wrong. i like my life here. i have all the space i need, privacy and freedom to do as i wish. but nothing beats that feeling of being hugged by someone you love so much. nothing beats being around your family. nothing beats the fattening yet delicious food we have in brunei. ambuyat for example. i used to think that i am detached from all these things but they do come to your mind sometimes.

and i guess when things get a bit too lonely, when you feel like somehow youre struggling to even get through the day, when you feel like instead of looking forward to weekends you are dreading it, then at this point, it's like an automode to self-destruction. at least for me. and yet at the same time, you are like gasping for air while you are just simply drowning. and eventually you just get tired and just let go. hoping that somehow, maybe, miraculously, you'd find yourself shored. someway or another. what better place than... 'home'?

i did a lot of things today. i went to the bank to take out some money to pay rent. which is nice. and i decided to stay with the studio instead of letting it go during the summer........... sigh. a decision that i am wishing that i wont regret. and finally i did laundry. it was a killer experience. 6.50 euros to wash and dry clothes in the laundromat is....13 brunei dollars which equals 4 packets of ciggs. like fuck fuck fuck. forced myself to look at the bright side... my clothes are clean. i have clean clothes. and lost 6.50 euros! killl meeeee. i am trying to think of other things that i am supposed to do but i cant think of any. i suppose those are the only things that are done sooooo the things in my to-do list are done done done. i am dealing with an itchy throat though. like the coughing thing and so forth. sigh.


i also miss my turtles collection. and buttermilk chicken. and the salty sea. oven-baked sand. hot humid air. sweltering heat. grilled seafood. very cold coconut juice. sunset and sunrise over the horizon. these things are just.....calling me.