And we go up to dates.

<3

updates on me. and enough about my vagueness. this is time to be square like...trafalgar square... (lol-ing alone) :)

i finally applied for my health insurance thing. yes mom, i did and it was well worth it cause the doctors here are... charging ridiculous amount of money just taking a look at your tummy and your thing down there. sigh. i know why i finally did it though. because i hate receiving hospital bills. i just realised this now. i hate them almost as much as i hate going there. it kills me. the horror. the numbers. having to GO THERE AND PAY THE GODDAMN BILL IS EVEN MORE OF A KILLER.

yes i am slightly pissed off. but only because i was stupid enough to let this happen. if i had only......(slaps self) no time for regrets.

what else? life has been pretty much low key for me. i have so so many hours of being alone that i am starting to think like a hermit. but it isnt really that bad, being alone, it forces you to really think about stuff. and have conversations with yourself, and getting deep into ur inner soul...........right.

it has been interesting though. the morning walks to school while listening to music. my favourite songs and how they can really make a difference as to how your day go. or even if it doesnt, its nice to have a song that can complement how you feel. lately i have been listening to HIM, Bullet for my Valentine and The Cure. Weird combination but it works all the same. i especially love listening to Wings of a Butterfly by HIM. this song does wonder but still it cant compare to Tears don't fall by BFMV.

which goes without saying that because i have more time alone now, i began to listen to music again and it's nice, i have been meaning to listen to some songs and now i get to hear them, as angry as they seem to be.

hmmm my eating habits changed drastically though. i eat...to survive now. it's weird. i am developing a problem i think. hahahaha... no really though, i do eat. but i have a different pattern and habit of eating now. it's kind of ridiculous to explain here. it's like putting yourself in front of a shooting squad.

this weekend... i have no plan. like specific ones. i have several work lined up, one of them is a topic that i am supposed to discuss in class which is about Sarkozy and his reforms and whether or not he is an Illusionist. this kind of sucks for me cause i dont know much on this topic... i also have to translate a document... and the list goes on.

i miss my family. very much. i miss my brother arif. i really really miss him and it is to the point of............ argh. i just want to see familiar faces, its kind of scary to suddenly not see the faces you are used to seeing anymore. i used to be able to detach myself from such things. i dont know what it is, i suppose i have turned a bit more sentimental about these things. which is disgusting and i should stop now.

eeeeeeeeeeeeee.

oh oh. and what else is on the calendar? me living 2 decades of life. 20. oh how i dread. it isnt really the fact that i hate the idea of getting old, though technically yes, i do hate this. its also the fact that it will be the first birthday where i dont spend it with anyone remotely special. family-, friends- and special person- wise. last year it was at JP with the band, and amal and H. last last year it was at Pantai Resto with Q and Z and a surprise gift and appearance from someone. basically, yes, i am spoiled with these things... it's like Valentine's day. where i always get flowers from my mother, i had this feeling too but then again, i had a really awesome one so i wont complain about that. now... it's like, going to be very... i dont know. i suppose i am training myself to not think so much into it. it's just a...birthday. nyeh... i cant even be bothered making up a wishlist and hinting everyone with it cause i am not with "everyone" right now. HAHA. okay so i am whining a bit...but i am allowed right?

...

i suppose there are other more tragic things happening in the world so i will rest it there at that point. other than that, i am just...living.

Make the best out of everything you have.

i have this little pot just outside my door and all winter it was barren, no leaves. but now, there are little flowers starting to bloom. and that is when i know winter is over and spring is somewhat in the air. yet the sky is still grey, rain is still falling and oh, i feel oh so cold.

and that is when it all started again. a rush of emotions.

Les petit mots pour lui.

Seether... Careless Whisper...

Was visiting EpicFrequency's blog and like, this song was recommended. Checked it out and it was beautiful. I loved the cover. Enjoy.

safe haven.

we all want a place where we could feel safe. a place that feels like home and makes you feel at ease and at your best. a place where you feel like you have people with you who mean something to you and that you can have meaningful conversations with. that's a safe place for me. yet in life, we are always thrown to places far away from that 'safe place'. and there are reasons for this... we dont want to be too wrapped up in our own little worlds. the bigger world out there isnt safe, it's a jungle where everyone is basically looking out for themselves. that is the ultimate lesson, that at the end of the day, it's a matter of survival. everyone will just want to save themselves. you just have to keep up.

for instance, i wouldnt exactly say that i feel oh-so-safe here. i felt safe back home, despite the circumstances i faced, i felt safe anyway because i had my mother, my bestfriends and the people i love. i was doing things i love too. but at the back of my head i always knew that i would face the 'real world' soon enough... i wanted to anyway. so unconsciously i prepared myself for this. and i must say i did prepare myself well. being in the real world, makes life worth living. and then when i arrived here, completely alone when i first came, i immediately knew that wow, yes, they are right, this isnt going to be easy. and it wasnt. the language barrier, a totally new culture, different types of people... what is a little girl like me to do? i faced them... the first few weeks were rough, doing all these admin works, endless trips to prefecture, sfr, agency, househunting... new people entering and this was especially a problem.

letting people in has never been an easy thing you know? you know it has to be done, but that doesnt make it easy. so i felt unsafe, exposed, vulnerable. however, as my character wouldnt let me, i had to plough through... i had no choice. i might have made oh-so-many mistakes along the way but at the end of the day what mattered was that, i got through. and i settled in well, i had friends. but i guess the thing that still agonise me is... changes. when people left. it is especially so in my case where in my course, people dont stay. they stay for a while and they go and this constant change makes me more reserved than usual. it's like, nothing is ever permanent here.

if i had just stayed in brunei, i would be safe. but would it be living life to the fullest? if i dont do this now, then when would it be? why would i want to stay safe in brunei when i know that i would be staying there for the rest of my life and would end up feeling 'safe' anyway? it's a path. and i am still in it... and so far, i went through some sweet, bitter, painful times but these are still experiences. i know for sure now though that somehow right now, i feel...numb.

it's a familiar thing. what does one do when one feels...numb? auto-mode takes over. i continue doing the same things, despite feeling that hollow numbness. i am used to do this anyway...doing things unfeelingly. doing things without any particular emotions...

i am going home summer it seems... i am hoping that it will make me feel better. seeing my mother, my family, my friends over there, REAL sunshine with REAL heat... hopefully i will feel less cold inside. less...numb? i dont know.

the clock is ticking tick-tock tick-tock.

Running Adidas.

The bridge that I cross everyday. The walk up, exhausting I tell you... But it works out the ass.

-

There was a strike today.....again. I am expecting more to come during this spring. Especially with what has been going on in France and now that the weather is warmer. Like, really really warm. I felt my hair... burning. But it was great. Me and a friend went to have lunch and just sat at Place de Revolution watching the manifestation.

Place de la Revolution. This was also where the Christmas market was held.

Can you see the people half-naked on the Fountain? That was how...warm it was.

See how nice it was? Everyone was just outside, basking under the sun. Eating, drinking. There were also some music thing going on.

Near CLA, otw to Pont Battant.
-

Basically, it was so warm, such a beautiful day that I decided to run. It was my first real run cause I tried it once before during winter, and let me tell you, It was hell. Not only was the temperature freezing, I also didnt have proper running shoes. Macam puki. So when I was in London, I bought me a pair of running shoes. Adidas. I was never a fan but this was really, really good. The feel was right, very light, and it was just heavenly to run in these shoes. I ended up running non-stop for about 5km which I considered a feat as again, I havent really been running. I reckon that I would be starting to run everyday from now on and consider quitting nicotine addiction.

-

But that remains to be seen... and probably hoping for too much.

-

I also went swimming the other night with E. I was never a good swimmer but it was good fun, I walked all the way from Temis to home.

-

" I'm going home to the place where I belong

Where your love has always been enough for me

And I'm not running from.. I think you got me all wrong

I don't regret this life I chose for me'

But these places and these faces are getting old

I'm going home "

to mom.

note: the first two pics... theyre thanks to izzul. :)

Lost and Found.

I had a long weekend in London. Pretty much a last minute thing. Met up with some wonderful people. Went to more places than the last time I went there.

Izzul the photographer.

Oh Deebus.

I love you.

My brother who came down to London just to meet me up despite the...very last minute nature of my visit. Thank you.

Thank you...

So that is pretty much it. I might be going back home after all. Yes folks, I am. You read it right. No need to read it twice... Problem is that I still cant decide whether or not I am going back easter or summer. If I do on Easter then what would I be doing Summer? I had something planned but that thing flopped, I have no job prospects whatsoever, I don't even know if I even want to have one. So right now, it's a matter of...survival and prioritizing. I might just spend Easter in London, and then spend the whole summer in Brunei, sun and all. Family. Possibly...

On verra. We can't predict what the future brings. I realised that now. You can plan all you want but you can only see it being realised when it actually happens. But I know what I have to do. All I gotta do is to trudge on.