c'est lui.

i was reading this book given by the bf and it was actually really good. not really the kind of book i would have read on a normal basis... but yeah...

you know, before this, i was always asking myself what i really want from a relationship. i always thought that "hey maybe i am asking for too much?" and because of this i always think that maybe i am the selfish and inconsiderate one and after one relationship ended, i focused on putting the other half's interests first over mine on the next 'relationships' i had and that didnt work either. and i got frustrated. i thought to myself, "nothing seems to work. maybe i shouldnt be in one and just...focus on getting to know myself. for a long time, i did just that. i remained single... of course i dated people but they never progressed to a relationship. and i was happy.

why? i gave less and i know myself i shouldnt expect so much in return. and i was happy that way. when one is in a relationship, it is only natural that a female feels the need to give... her heart is overflowing with love and affection and that it is a female thing to give so much. what she expects in return is appreciation, understanding and support back from her partner. and i often didnt get this. maybe that is why it didnt work out before right? it's different now though...

while i still expect a lot, he gave me what i need most and that is a listening ear. he listens, he understands and he doesnt offer unnecessary advice. i often feel annoyed when i am given unwanted advice from a partner. i just want someone to listen and that is what he gives. he listens. he doesnt judge. in return, well... i... i dont know what i do in return but i do hope i am doing the right gf things to do... =p

what else do i want in a relationship?

well...i also need that feeling of security. i need to feel very much secured and safe. i want to know that he wont leave me just like that, that he wont bolt off at the first sign of an obstacle. i also need him to be loyal to just me. i need him to always be there. i need him to know and acknowledge the effort i make for this relationship to work. i need to know that he'd do everything to make me happy. i need to know that he loves me just as much as i love him. i need him to defend me, to protect me, to fight for me. he doesnt need to fight my battles but just knowing that he is right there beside me would mean the world to me.

you know why? cause i would do these things for him. i dont think i am selfish when it comes to giving love and affection. i just need to know that i am giving these to someone who is worth it. not someone who is just up for fun. someone who would only hang around for a while and then go. cause if that is the case, then it's fine for me too. i just wont give so much. i wont love. i wont care. we both can have our little fun and move on.


and i have come to realise that... c'est lui pour moi... et je lui aimerai encore et encore...

new habits. new year's resolutions.

- ever since i came here, i got addicted to...yogurt. i love love love yogurt with blackberries or strawberries. i must
have them during breakfast. i even eat them during lunch. they apparently make
you shit more. which is good.

- i like to sleep. it's the easiest way to keep yourself warm.

- i am addicted to my organiser. each day i have a list
of things to do and i am completely obsessed with making sure that all
of them are done.

-i do not have a diary anymore. a diary where i write
my most innerthoughts and my deepest secret. why? because... i dont think i have
so much inner thoughts that i keep to myself these days. i think the diable and the boyfriend and my mother know what i am thinking
without me actually telling anyway...and to think i am thousands of miles away!
my deepest secrets are well-locked. so what is there left to tell to my diary?

- i am obsessed with cleaning. and tidying. and cleaning again and
tidying...again. this is once the mood strikes. which comes more often these
days. for example, yesterday, while i was cleaning the studio, i must have
dusted the place more than ten times. and swept the floor more
than 7 times and oh, wiped the place clean more than 3 times. not to forget...i must have rearranged the furnitures
more than 6 times.

- i love to cook now. before... i used to love to
just bake and just avoid cooking altogether cause i know mom would ask me to
start cooking a lot so..... but since my life now has a non-existent oven, it's
kind of hard to bake. but i LOVE to cook. to cook for myself
that is. ;)

- i have to wash the dishes and this is
what i hate. but since a piled-up dishes waiting to be washed in the sink goes againsnt my cleaning habit... i have to wash them right after i
eat. or cook. and this triggers numerous reactions on my hands and fingers...no,
i am not joking. i cant wash dishes. even the doctor says so!
water+detergent=eczema reactions. and now i have this bloody cut on my right
hand's pointing finger. everytime i move it, it oozes out blood...... sigh.
anyone willing to wash my dishes?

so there you go my new habits... but so far, i dont think i have drastically changed on the inside. like, i dont suddenly go clubbing or partying every night. or start drinking like crazy. why? cause those things bore me. theyre okay if you do it once in a while, you know, like weekends. but i can never understand people who do it EVERY NIGHT. of course, it's their say if they wanna have fun like that. i just dont think i am that kind of person... as much as possible, i do like a quiet night in. listening to my kind of music. reading. studying.

and i do. i do spend so many nights alone. and these nights alone are the times i spent thinking and one of them is... what am i going to do here aside from....studying? i dont want the whole night life scene. not so much anyway. i want to do something productive. then, i decided to start running...soon. one reason why i cant do it now is cause i left my sports shoes in brunei. =p and buying another pair of running shoes here... will take time. with my small size and all. and the money. i also want to do something else. something to do with music. and then i had the greatest idea. but i am going to save it to myself for now. pokoknya, by december, ada tu. and i want to do another sport as well. we'll see.

new year's resolution:

- run
- music
- sports

i miss some people. he's gone missing for a while now. and maybe we're all egoistic in some ways. but that just shows how much that person actually really cares. and in many ways, i am glad that at least now i know for sure. just dont bother anymore.

to the rest, i am not celebrating raya ni. awu tau ku ada raya. and raya food is coming my way thanks to that special someone and also to my very special someone. i just dont want to get all hyped up for raya. for one thing, i am not going to london like i originally planned. and second, i cant even go to paris. financially tight, but that is the life of a student. so i am going to greet you all Raya now. happy raya and this goes to all my loved ones, my hated ones and those people who i wont usually bother saying hello to... sorry for all the mistakes i made, any offense i made on my part, intentionally and unintentionally (is there such a word? indakan inintentionally kan?)

... to him, you greeted me raya on facebook first. atu awal. but i love you anyway. selamat hari raya to you too... and many sorries for being so difficult sometimes.

=)

Epic Frequency

i miss something that i used to do a lot. i miss singing. i really miss it. i miss singing and jamming with the band. i miss the smelly jamming studios in brunei. i miss the thrill of getting a song right after endless practices. i miss performing in front of a crowd, drinking in our music. i miss that. i miss singing ballads. i miss that. i miss doing the thing i love most. singing.

for many years, i havent been really active in that. i guess i took singing for granted. and now i cant help but think all those hours of practice, those lessons are gone to waste... i feel so... dormant. i want to sing. i have so much energy inside me and i want to sing. eeee. i have been listening to the songs i used to sing with the band and i have this... slight pain inside. i miss them. the epic frequency we call ourselves... doz, jimi, farhan, sylvan, ziman and me. we've been through a lot and now, apart, i really feel a loss. i didnt really get the chance to say a proper goodbye to them before i leave... i guess cause it was also hard for me to leave the country... and maybe the fact that i wont be singing much here...

i miss that. the thrill. but i wont give up. i think i am gonna look for something to do... to the band, if you are reading this, please know i love you and i miss you...

=) Epic Frequency For Life.

fuck it!

you know how sick you are of the same thing everyday? fuck it. you know how annoyed you are at some people? fuck it. you know how tired you are of pleasing the people around you? fuck it. i am through with all that shit. i basically disappeared the past few months just to avoid the pretense of life that most people go for these days, why should i stop doing that now? it's stupid how some people are so full of themselves, pointing fingers and making comments about other people and they fail to look at themselves in the mirror. how fucking sad.

and i have got to find a way to deal with this.

to my brother, if you are reading this, your ticket is already on its way. hopefully it will reach you by friday next week. or next next monday. i really cant wait for you to come.

the last batch just left... their last week here. and next month there will be a fresh batch coming. then they will leave. then new people will be coming and leaving and that is how it's gonna be... people come. and then they go.

Besancon I love.

i just realised that a lot of people in brunei are actually reading this blog... aw. okay. that means... HAHA. i have to filter some informations. JUST JOKING!!! =p to all the people in brunei, here are some pictures for you...

in Besancon...

this was when i was on the way to school... depan CLA ah. atu SAJUK. and hence the fod. behind the fog is a mountain... lawaaaaa!!! i like this place. so scenic. so calm. so full of org hensem. NADAWAH! but. true plg. apakan tu??? hahaha! okay but still... my eyes are just focused to one... =)

that myfriends, behind me, is the infamous CLA... each year we have thousands and thousands of students all over the world coming over to learn the language of sexiness... FRENCH! HAHA. so no my friends, i havent really made so many french friends... just random people from random countries...

walking around the river on a sunday afternoon... =)

jay-walking...

i have been well. i know why i was kinda down last week. aku period now. HAHAHA. next week i am moving out! finally! i dont like the foyer anymore. i crave privacy and my own space. =) EEEEEE!!!! i like! and i dont need to go down the damn lift and cook! i have my own kitchen. iski jua tu kan memasak!

oh oh and fatin and dibah called last night. i have to mention you guys... i MISS you. thank you for calling... at least someone make the effort to actually find out how i am here. unlike some people.............. anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!! eh eh dibah, i love you lah. =p and please dont mention about the ahem in december. u know what i mean. hahahahahaha.

leave comments. or msg the tagboard. i wanna know how you guys are.

Snap this!

With some people from CLA...



Beside me is Istiaq and the other is a Spanish girl...I know her name, i just dont know how to spell it.

With Masitah and beside her Julien....

Below are pictures taken from Mulhouse. Did some shopping there, finally bought my winter coat!

studio invasion...

hey everyone. just want to update a little bit. i posted earlier that i wanted to stay where i am cause of this and that and this and that... remember? i totally changed my mind! i found this rad studio. it's fucking awesome! i love it i love it i love it. i took it on the spot! well practically! i am moving in starting this 1st october. it's gonna be one awesome place to live.

it isnt far away from my school, it should be about 10 minutes walk. but it is quite a distance from the centreville (town) because i am way outside the boucle.

but it doesnt matter because i love the place. if i am staying here for four years, i need a place where i can call my home. i dont fancy so much life around my...place. the bustling life doesnt really tickle my fancy so much...i want to come home to peace and quiet. if i wanna go and have the buzz i can just head down to the centreville, no big deal.

i love love love the place! right next to my place is a dance school... like for swing and stuff, like lindy hop and things. cool lahhh. it's right next door! my studio is on the ground floor and the school too. my studio number is 3, and the dance studio is 5! awesome lahhhh.

=)

i like i like. school has been uneventful. the japanese girls are finally leaving soon... dont get me wrong. theyre awesome people. it'll be a bit more quieter now once they leave. and no more wacky colourful fashion around the school. aww. how sad.

this weekend... i am just...gonna stay at the foyer. again, i am avoiding some people. HAHA!

questions or just rants?

ive been wondering whether or not it is possible to be two person in your own person. i sometimes surprise myself. the fact that i can be so emotionless. how i can turn my emotions off and turn into a monster. i dont know how to explain it. it's like, there is this side of me that is... i dont know.

my last post, quite emo wasnt it? but if you really know me, you wont be surprised at all. funny how most people think they know me, based on their assumptions and what they heard from people... how can they really know me when sometimes, i dont even really know myself? i learn new things about myself every single day and things change in me every single day too. it's part of growing up and i am enjoying myself so much.

have you ever wondered if there is more to life than what is offered to you at the moment... like you have the best thing, wait, you think you have the best thing right now yet you wonder whether or not there is more. what if you stay at where you are, and never venture out and all the while you are missing something even greater? or are you lucky? you venture out and you got trapped... trapped in an endless circle that never seems to end?

like you thought youve changed somehow. but you havent. why is that? you cant explain it, only because... you are ashamed to even admit it to yourself. does anyone here understand? the fact that you are just helpless about that something and though most people say, that it is in your control, it actually isnt. how can you convince other that when you truly believe that... it really is not in your control.

do you understand?

i dont either.

what i do know is, i am setting myself up for an even bigger misadventure. i cant explain why either. i want to. but is there anyone that one can truly trust? is there anyone that wont judge me for what i am about to confide and just listen? understand and not pass judgment. is that possible?

i want to be understood but at the same time, i know very well that no one would.

and no, i didnt talk about france. your moiselle here feels a bit... off. and she cant even explain why. the series of events which she has been through since coming her made her this way. heartless somehow.

tete a tete?

i have been living alone here since the 24th. alone in a sense where i have to tend for myself, spiritually and emotionally isolated from those who i am very much close to. or is it now a 'was'? many have asked me why i chose france as a destination for my further studies. and i said, because it is the furthest from everyone. furthest in a sense that... there arent many here that i know. maybe i am trying to find myself. to have a fresh new page, where no one has any preconceived ideas about me... but that is impossible of course. because you know you cant run away from your demons. they will always follow you. people will always judge you. and along the way, i have learnt to just fuck everything they say. so what? it isnt my loss that they didnt give me a chance to prove who i really am, contrary to what they thought they knew about me. then again, what is there to prove? we are who we are. we can be who we want to be. in the end, it doesnt really matter, because in the end, we are all alone.

what are my dreams and vision now? i very much want to just settle down. and therefore, i have decided to stay where i am now and not find an appartment. too many changes have been going on in my life, i just couldnt handle another big change. to change to a new place means another tide of change and i have just started studying. i really cant afford to distract myself with anything else i suppose. i just want to immerse myself with the language, get to meet new people and settle down. may i just stress that? settle down. cause right now, i cant help but feel lost.

i live in a foyer... called La Cassotte. sounds fancy huh? it kinda is. the place is really nice, where students are also working. there are french students here and theyre very nice. so far, i havent met anyone who isnt nice here. my room is really okay too. it's small compared to the room i have in brunei, of course, but i must always remind myself that here, i am not who i was in brunei. i am only a humble student who has to do with that she has. but the room, is clean. the past few days, slowly, i injected my personality into it, making it more me, and maybe to make it feel more like... home.

my curtain is red. i have posters posted on my walls... one of marilyn manson and the other is... something quite crude but cool nontheless... then the maps of besancon posted just to inject more colour... i have my own toilet. my closet is, btw, in order (i cant rely on amah here... sadly) i love this place now. i just dont want to leave anymore.

here in france, i want to achieve what i came here for in the first place. i have dreams, i have my own vision of what i want to have. and i always want to have what i want.

that doesnt stop me from having fun of course. since i came here... i had had healthy doses of fun. and again, i wont elaborate but you know, the things teens do these days. you go out. shopping. sightseeing. meet new people. some boring, some interesting.

then again, it would be a lie to say i am not sad. cause sometimes, i do feel sad. sad that the loved ones are not here, that some are drifting away... only because they found new territories to cultivate all their attentions to. pretty pathetic but c'est la vie. but i must say, i dont feel repressed anymore. the freedom, ahh, i can breathe more easily now. to be able to make my own decision, to be able to do what i want to do when i want to and the way i want it to be... that feeling is... liberating. thing is, i know i wont abuse this feeling. i know better and i have been warned... i know my limits. it just depends on others whether or not they can trust me to know what my limits are.

i miss my mom and my siblings. i miss my guy. i miss the devil. i miss the beach, the heat... but i am thankful still. that now, i have me. that now i have my own thoughts. that now the mountains that surround this town never fail to astound me...

here's to life and a fresh new beginning. hi to all!

weekend!

hiii. i havent been updating because i have been so busy. the weekend was spent at mulhouse, at the alsace-lorraine region of france with masitah. met some new interesting people while we were there... gorgeous guys? not so much. we have more here in besancon, trust me. :P oh friday night, i went out with some people from CLA. it was fun fun fun. went home around... *tut* (i learn now not to give so much details...haha...)


i miss bruneian food. sigh. i want to eat buttermilk chicken...

tadi di cla, byk org malaysians...


i dont know what m gonna do this weekend... ada plg, this guy invited for a group outing... watch movie then a night out in town but we will see about that. there are people in the group i wish to avoid... :P

CLA, School.

hiii everyone. i have been missing in action...here. hahaha. okay. so i have started school. school's been great. lessons are hard, everything is in french. you can never hear any english, at least in my class. so i have already started thinking and speaking in french, it isnt perfect mais ca march (but it works...)

met some new people. then again, that is also hard. yeah you can meet new people all the time... but it doesnt always work out that well. you can go along with a person but that person wont remember you, and it isnt really a strange thing because there are simply a lot of people... to them everyone looks the same. you cant really remember anyone, their names...just like they wont remember yours. so in that sense, we are all invisible dots...

i miss some people. and the people i miss are people i didnt expect to miss at all...

happy ramadhan. i dont have pictures. but i can tell you that besancon... is a beautiful place. a small town, bien sur, but ca marche. it is a good place to live. not much night life, like, the streets arent exactly bustling with drunk people all going to nightclubs, no. i am beginning to love the place. the weather is now bearable... i no longer have to wear scarf around my neck all the time. HAHAHA.

still looking for an appartment. but i am beginning to think that i might not want to move after all. it's so easy to live here. breakfast every morning (cereals, bread, jams, orang juice, fruits...). my own toilet. the room's size is not bad, and very clean. the whole building has very nice people. just a bit expensive for just a room with toilet but...everything is included. electricity. water. free wifi downstairs. labo machine. u can cook here too... everything. just that... you cant really invite people to come over ur room. hmmm.

anyway i am going. but i wish u all a happy ramadhan. i miss you!