nuff said.

i find it so hard to communicate my feelings to people. expressions and so forth. as much as possible, i avoid these things. is it sad that only very very few people have access on what is on my mind? i dont know about that but well, it doesnt really matter...

it has officially been 6 months since i left brunei. since month that i am here. it was tough at first, the transition period for me was really, really tough. but after getting over it i finally realised the true essence of being here which was to live. to just...live. i love studying here in france and although it has its disadvantages, like not being able to see the bruneian best friends as much as i would like to... it's a nice country to live in. geographically ideal too, to visit europe at least.

i asked myself if i have changed and i think i have. this particular change though, isnt exactly a straight line. at first the line went falling down, like really down but now it is going up gradually.

i can honestly say i am happy here. i have the space and privacy that i long for. that i have been longing for. the need to breathe. the freedom to decide for myself and my own life while still staying true to my roots. the soil that i need to branch out these roots... ahhh you know how it is when you are abroad. you try to experience as many things as possible. you make do many decisions everyday and 99% of these decisions are normally not decisions you would make for yourself. like... what is for dinner? what is there to buy for groceries... it's really...cool.

but if there is something that is still there...it would be this inability to express myself. this constant need to supress what i feel inside me. this thing where i just completely shut myself, even to myself.

i will stop there.

enough said.

because my life is too good.

i admit my last post seem kinda... sad but i was far from feeling that when i wrote it anyway. it was more like angry and disappointment but sad, i am tired of feeling that. life is too good, too short...too beautiful. so many things have been up with me and i am feeling sooooo good.

well, my brother came to france recently and he spent 5 days in total with me. he came on a saturday, coincidentally on a valentine's day and we spent sunday afternoon just strolling in paris. speaking of which, i left besancon for paris on thursday last week, went to caen and le mont st michel with very good friends. it was amazing that place! and then on friday we got back to paris. basically my time in paris was very relaxing, it was probably the best weekend i had had so far! the weather was sunny all day, quite warm and the company i had was great so the whole combination was perfect. :) even made the usual stops at eiffel tower, notre dame, louvre and others.

and then while my brother was here with me in besancon, we had the chance to spend some quality time. we went bowling! and we even sang a duet together. ahhh and he went with me for my singing training. i miss him already. :( yes people, he went back to london yesterday.

i have no school monday and tuesday cause my teachers went for a mission. :) my plans? study. study. study. and maybe insert a bit of fun... ;)

have you ever?

have you ever felt like you are in a tunnel and you cant seem to find your way out? that everywhere you see is darkness. have you ever been slapped on the face with a force so strong, you feel completely numb after that? not just physically but by words. have you ever felt like nothing could hurt you until you find yet another thing that does and you see the world as you rebuilt it, crash for oh-the-unknownth-time.

have you ever felt like you are just afraid to cry because you are afraid of a breakdown? have you ever felt so lonely you are simply going crazy inside?

what is more, have you ever felt so tired of feeling like these... yet you hold on. because that is the only thing you can do.

have you ever had the SAME words being thrown at you oh-so-many times by different people and yet you still repeat the same mistakes by just letting people get into your life and affect your feelings? have you ever been thought as...crazy? have you ever felt like you have your heart being slowly twisted, cut, squeezed and you are simply...helpless?

have you... ever felt like you want to run away so bad but you keep on running in circles instead? have you ever missed so many people without even knowing why, and that it actually hurts?

have you ever felt like you are seen as somebody you are simply not yet you feel like you HAVE to be that person as that is what is expected from you? have you ever felt like you just want to... let go and cry but being unable to because you HAVE to be strong?

do you know how tiring it is to hear people telling you off and keep on telling you to be strong and strong and strong... when you know deep inside you are not?


well, whatever. i am not so sure myself.

i dig my toes into the sand...

"i wish you were here"

"tonight we drink to youth"

"further down the river..."

"i dig my toes into the sand..."

"i think you would only last with him for...."

these words, these phrases we said...

sandy beaches. cute bikinis. our favourite banana boat. :)



back when nothing else matters but OUR happiness and each other. back when it was...really...really... cool.

back when the sea, the ocean, the sun and the beach were like...air to us.

closest thing to crazy

what is the craziest thing you have done? no doubt, i have quite a few. my friends would remember high school days...ohhhh the horror! oh the fun. taking things to the limits. the daring spirit. or basically the i-dont-fucking-care attitude. aahhh fun fun fun.

and no this isnt a post about... the crazy things i did. but i am pretty sure everyone has a bit of an idea of what kind of crazy things i did. and i am sure each and one of you has this. fuck it. i am not about to judge and so do you. it was fun while it lasted wasnt it?

no no... i am also not going to talk about what crazy things i did in france. nothing seems to really faze me anymore. or shock me. it's kinda sad. i grew stronger but at the same time, more emotionally...vulnerable. exposed. the need to retaliate and act out is... getting weaker which only shows just how... exposed i am. do we ever learn from mistakes?

besancon is so crazy grey and rainy and it is sooooo annoying. depressing. this morning started out really really bad. i missed the bus by a few seconds, i was just...behind it when it just....left. so i walked and rain started falling and it became heavier by the second. then the horror... i was walking when a car passed by tres rapidement et voilaaaaaaaaa... i got splashed and my books were messed up.

it didnt get any better during the day too. cause by the end of the first lesson, i was just tooooo tired. and the day dragged on and by 3 pm, i was only toooooooooooooo happy to be back home, all warm and snuggly. hugs anyone? at least lunch was good today.

i havent heard from anyone!!!!!!!!!! it's annoying. deebs, seem slike we're skyping again tonight. ahh i love you like i love my laughing cow. HAHA

ma famille

family in France?

my Filifina family.

my family in B. :)

=) the good people in life?

my family too- epic Frequency

my Darwisy!

hi everyone. i just want to talk about my day. i received a call from my Aunt. for those who know me well, well i am talking about my aunt who was also my teacher before back when i was in MS. :) she is getting married so congratulations! i miss her very much, all of them cousins in brunei. the wedding is taking place in my place and me being here is so sad cause i am missing a wedding of a very important person!!!! and to think, the next generation who would be getting married is my generation, i dont have any other aunt or uncle who is getting married so this is biggggg... anyway from what i heard from her and my mom, the wedding is going smoothly and according to plans, despite of course, the infamous electricity cuts. :) i miss my family! and i want to see the beach. i miss sandy beaches, hot temperature and sunny cloudless daysssss...

=)

unfeeling?

this was at Bern, Switzerland. :) i want to go here again. um, please? anyone interested?

i try not to entertain sentiments. i always say i dont um, feel things. it's like a wall that i put around me. and i am sick of this wall. i want to break free. being in the confines of these walls, it gave me limited access to a sense of... freedom. i want to start taking risks again. i want to be worried. i want to actually...care. i dont think i can ever be that person who does something really against what she believes in and what she wants to do and not feel anything again. because i used to be able to do that. do something totally shocking and just not feel...anything.

and i used to pride myself with that. it's almost like an ability of some sort. to be able to just... feel nothing. but i cant. it's like you are dead and unfeeling. and in love, it's like you dont really feel anything. in life, it's like you are not really living it. doesnt that contradict everything about...life? unfeeling but at the same time 'living' yet how can you live when you dont...feel. right?

i am writing this after the erasmus party i went to.. i dont know what time it is. but yeah, the party was great. we met a lot of interesting people. you know, the kind of people you laugh about after, when you are with your friends. it's good though, that they do these things cause this is how you meet people. not necessarily people you want to date or go out with but simply meeting people. of course in a sense it is sad cause for some people, meeting others is a necessity...it's like a proof that you exist cause others can see you and you can see them. do you think that is what they meant by being so...'alive' when they meet other people?? anyway, it is also good for speaking french. relearning everything again and trying to get that confidence, the same or at least nearly the same level to speak french like how i speak english or malay.

oh i dont have classes on friday. i made sure that my schedule is freeeeeeeeee. which is good cause this works long-term. how is everyone anyway? for those who actually reads this, leave something on the chatbox and tell me how you guys are. really, i'd appreciate it. :)

my weird thinking mode annoying super super annoying day. like really.

today started out a bit... weirdly. i feel so much stressed and my head is spinning (it still is...). is there any way i can handle this stress better? drugs anyone? (haha...)

my classes were as usual, great. i love what i am doing although i am starting to feel a bit... grrr... stressed? i cant help but think of what exactly am i doing here. it's like, you know that you are doing this course but you dont exactly know where it will bring you. and this uncertainty of where exactly i will end up is scary. all my life i have always known that i would get the scholarship, it was what i was working for all my life and now that i have it, it's like... um what? what now?

of course, at the same time, i do the things that are expected. go to class, learn something, socialise, live and basically just...live. the phase where i felt lost and a bit weird has now passed and now that i see things more clearly... it is a bit like going for a drive and just driving forward but not exactly knowing where to go? it's like, when you miss a turn, you just say... "um oops?" but you kept on moving anyway. is this normal? like, this is how life is right...? you just keep on going and going and see what adventures and what things you see on the way and still searching for that one place where you feel like you belong completely. where you feel complete. will this search ever end?

this search for a sense of belonging, a sense of completement (is there such a word? because i have no idea... we do have this word in french but it means a different thing...errrr...) is what constantly drives me forward. this search for something. always looking forward into...something and you just dont know what it is. being here doesnt help cause i am in a place where everything seems to stay the same. i am not in the place where everything seems to...move and change. and because i am a person who seems to complement her surroundings, this kind of place could drive me crazy by just staying...the same.

and if before i would just let this be, let this somekind of a rotting thing get me, now i move myself even though the things around me arent. forcing myself to do things. going out there (even though there arent that... many but is it really? since... if u dont go out and find out, how would you know right?) and try not to feel and depend so much because i really really dont want to repeat the same mistakes that i did... dependence. hope. faith.

i suppose i am thinking out loud. today has been stressful for me in so many levels. i am feeling things i am not supposed to feel, and before this would completely break me down... but i guess when you had your worse thing and managed to climb back up, the last place you'd want to go is to go back to the rot... so right now all i could do is just... go on and on and be accepting... disregard my feelings... be completely... zen?

yes. yes. i am a bit crazy. hahahahaha... :)

better in time

and i think i have found myself again. for a while i felt a bit lost, and out of focus... i lost the balance that i once proudly stood on. but now, i am better. i know what i want to do, and i will stand by them no matter what.

all i know is, i am gonna be okay. i wont let anything bring me down... i know better than to depend on anyone. at the end of the day, we stand on our own two feet and it should always be like that.

i miss my family. my friends. i especially miss my golden room...