LDR

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Sunday, August 12th, 2007 at 9:58 am

"whenever i feel pain, i usually retreat back to the confines of my walls. the walls that are made up of the people whom i trust and love with all. yet, these walls i find are crumbling down. to my dismay, i have no control over it and i can only helplessly look on and try to live without the safe shelter and protection those walls had given me.

i used to think i have control and i can assume control over anything, everything. ever since i was young, i had always assumed control over my siblings and i still am. amidst the chaotic and sometimes nerve-wrecking home i have–i still had control over myself, even just a little bit as i managed to pull good grades for my exams. but what i cant control…is the natural order of things. change. people leaving. growing up. i find it rather unsettling that people change, people leave and that these are all in the same package as growing up. it is of course, more unnerving that i too, will undergo all these…and i have and still am.

i find myself struggling of course. then again, i know how to adapt but things like these, they take time no? i love having things…in their own familiar place. i like things which are rooted. it scares me that people change. that people go. it scares me more if i myself have changed.

friends. family. these people, can you really trust them? will they really love you forever and ever like they claim? or are their words merely words spoken at the heat of the moment? i find it hard to let people in. but i have let quite a number of people in this past two years. my circle of close friends are now wider yet still, i am in constant fear that i might lose them. lose them by finding out that they have been untruthful and not trustworthy. however, friendships and trust always come with a risk no? during the first few years of my life in ms, i have settled in quite comfortably with only few close friends. but these people have left. it isnt their fault of course, it’s the way of life. now, i have met a lot more people, girls that are wonderful and oh, do i love them.

last year and this year, i have been going through a lot of changes. it never used to bother me but these changes came in tsunami waves. with each wave, i was crushed, over and over again but these friends were and still are there to build me up. i dont think i can be standing where i am today without them. they put up with me, through thick and thin. i dont need to mention any names, as i know that they know who they are. i just want to let them know that i love them. i do.

and now, the end of 2007 is near. i can feel it coming, with the heat of exams and all. it amazes me, like always, how fast time past us by. it seems like it was only yesterday that i was celebrating new year and now here i am, busy studying for exams. i know, that i have yet to face more things before reaching the end of this year, and i can only rely on strength and motivation to get me through.

yes, a pretty deep blog, id say."

end of 2008- i still feel... crushed. and alone.

its decided. i want to take control now... i cant let this continue. after this, whatever happens, happens... i am in no position to fight more. white flag. i am done.

and to become a Snow Angel one must...

~*~

hi everyone! have you seen a snow angel?

nope? hmmm....

well let me just show you...

there...

the rule is to scream after that...

have a merry hols!

and finally... it snowed...

pretty? i thought so too.

rants

okay so a lot of people are asking me what i am doing for christmas. i have few ideas. but yes people, i am staying in france. buuut as i mentioned earlier, first week of january i will be in... UK. london and i am planning on making a stop at kent to see the beloved cousin, atifah... family is important whaaat... ;)

aku panat sikit. apparently today was eid adha... tsk tsk. i called my dad last night he didnt answer. i should try again later. i miss mooommmmyyyy. and my sis. and my little brother who is apparently not so little anymore!

a friend brought this up just now. 2009...i am going to turn 20. dear lord. i didnt see this coming. two decades. ahhhh something to think about for the next four months. :( aries aries aries. i am getting all the bad characteristics of an aries... the spontaneity. impulsiveness. irrational. help help. what does a girl do?

i cant wait. last year ended well. i have a feeling this year would end up well too. =) =) =)

=) mine.

standing resolute!

i am apparently going to london as decided by both my brother and me. his birthday is on the 2nd of january so... i would have to be there with him by then. i cant wait. i hope to see the friends over there but that remains to be seen on whether or not they are around in london. party~

so, this week has been so mellow... and slow... i just cant wait for it to end and for next week to start. my lessons were okay but it is the same old same old and i couldnt really handle these kinds of situations where a routine becomes a...routine.

i cut my hair...put on highlights... and gave myself a new look. wont post pictures here, maybe on facebook if it appears but definitely not posting it on just so everyone can see my 'new look'. HAHAHA. but it was well worth it, but a continuation of a bad habit where when i feel like i have hit rock bottom i go cut my hair... :p i doubt i would have long hair at all, since i am have moments where i do feel a bit errr.

i also finally bought proper pillows. :P

and i love my place. it does feel like home to me. maybe that is why i cancelled my trip as well. i was planning on marseille. bought the tix but cancelled it on the last minute... due to some things. like, classes that i decided not to miss. and actually face things here rather than running away. vague much...

anyway, i havent started on my 2009's resolution. i should start... like maybe get a draft even. tsk tsk. one thing in it for sure is... to remind myself that "fumer tue" and so i should stop. but its hard. with the package at brunei hall waiting... GAH. maybe after that? :) i dont know what else should be on my list. i am thinking of something to do with sweat... like running... yeah that should be in it. i want my list to be short and simple and easy to follow yet giving me some kind of a ... path. i remember last year my list also incluse a sub-list where i had my TEN musts in a guy. it was meant to prevent me from going out with anyone as the things i put in the lists were near-impossible. HAHA. but i found the 10. guitar skills. smart. handsome. same taste in music. impure. HAHAHA. but u get the idea. now i am not having that sub-list anymore.

long distance relationship... is hard. but i am keeping that. and i have my reasons and part of it is to not give up. (hey, that should be on my list!! :P )

i am off to sleep. i am at bonnay with my very good friends and we had just set up a christmas tree! it was fun, my first time. putting up the decorations while listening to merry music... and then you realise that maybe...youre not really alone after all... =)

Paris Paris Paris

me and Wan

Arc de Triomphe

the hybrid toyota car

ka filah me and masitah

embassy

champs-elysees

my paris weekend

hi people. paris was great. the meeting with the Minister and the Vice Chancellor went well...

yeah that's it.




i had had enough...