"whenever i feel pain, i usually retreat back to the confines of my walls. the walls that are made up of the people whom i trust and love with all. yet, these walls i find are crumbling down. to my dismay, i have no control over it and i can only helplessly look on and try to live without the safe shelter and protection those walls had given me.
i used to think i have control and i can assume control over anything, everything. ever since i was young, i had always assumed control over my siblings and i still am. amidst the chaotic and sometimes nerve-wrecking home i have–i still had control over myself, even just a little bit as i managed to pull good grades for my exams. but what i cant control…is the natural order of things. change. people leaving. growing up. i find it rather unsettling that people change, people leave and that these are all in the same package as growing up. it is of course, more unnerving that i too, will undergo all these…and i have and still am.
i find myself struggling of course. then again, i know how to adapt but things like these, they take time no? i love having things…in their own familiar place. i like things which are rooted. it scares me that people change. that people go. it scares me more if i myself have changed.
friends. family. these people, can you really trust them? will they really love you forever and ever like they claim? or are their words merely words spoken at the heat of the moment? i find it hard to let people in. but i have let quite a number of people in this past two years. my circle of close friends are now wider yet still, i am in constant fear that i might lose them. lose them by finding out that they have been untruthful and not trustworthy. however, friendships and trust always come with a risk no? during the first few years of my life in ms, i have settled in quite comfortably with only few close friends. but these people have left. it isnt their fault of course, it’s the way of life. now, i have met a lot more people, girls that are wonderful and oh, do i love them.
last year and this year, i have been going through a lot of changes. it never used to bother me but these changes came in tsunami waves. with each wave, i was crushed, over and over again but these friends were and still are there to build me up. i dont think i can be standing where i am today without them. they put up with me, through thick and thin. i dont need to mention any names, as i know that they know who they are. i just want to let them know that i love them. i do.
and now, the end of 2007 is near. i can feel it coming, with the heat of exams and all. it amazes me, like always, how fast time past us by. it seems like it was only yesterday that i was celebrating new year and now here i am, busy studying for exams. i know, that i have yet to face more things before reaching the end of this year, and i can only rely on strength and motivation to get me through.
yes, a pretty deep blog, id say."
end of 2008- i still feel... crushed. and alone.
its decided. i want to take control now... i cant let this continue. after this, whatever happens, happens... i am in no position to fight more. white flag. i am done.
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