lets close the door again.

i have a lot in my mind these days. things to digest and these are things which require a lot of thinking. i feel like i am now in a shell, enclosed and bidding my time as to when exactly it is time for me to make my next move. the start of this year was a great challenge and i surprised myself for reacting quite well to it. it was sad but i dealt with it well but maybe i was fooling myself there a little bit. the force of it probably hadnt hit me full force so i suppose now that it has, i am thrown off course.

i seem to still have the same problems. i dont know since when but i do notice that recently i have taken an initiative to be more open to people and to let people in my life a bit more easier. and also to be more open about my life and what i am doing. it has been good, great even as now i really do feel like i have built strong relationships around me. but... there are also bad things and these bad things came from people i never expected. i suppose these people are jealous. or wary. call it whatever you want but i have no time for judgmental people. people who think they know everything, people who think that they have the right to say something, to judge... what the fuck? did i ever bother your life? did i ever say bad things about you? for all i know, i think all i ever said to you was to thank you for the great contribution you have made to my life. but whatever. you cant please everyone.

i have started school and school has been great. i really wanted to start the year right. but i cant seem to really do that. its this rut and i hate being in this rut... but i am trying my hardest to fight it. i still meet people when usually i would just hide. i go and do things i am supposed to... yet at the same time i feel bad cause i know i wont be such a good...company.

what are my plans for the future? i cancelled london. i have my reasons... but i am most probably going there february... but we will see.