Green Blob and... Home.

easily my favourite thing at my place right now. <3

that feeling of wanting to go back to brunei is getting stronger and stronger everyday. it grabs me, really really grabs me. i have been contemplating the reasons why i would want to go home. i want to see my family. i want to see my friends. i want to see familiar faces. i want to be at a place where i feel that, as bad as it is, i feel somehow like i belong. sure there is no such thing as feeling like you really belong somewhere. it is a matter of adaptation- but that's just it. things change too fast here i cant really follow the train...its like i am always running after the last bus of the day. it's the same for 'home' too of course. to me home isnt really a place. home is the place where your heart is. where your loved ones are. so technically it can be anywhere... and right now, it definitely isnt here in Besac...at all...

i dont think it is a matter of weakness. or homesickness. i think it is a matter of taking it to the limit, testing it and seeing if you could go beyond. and right now i am waaay beyond, i took it to the limit but i am just done going forward. right now, i want to just be at a place where my motives wont be questioned, my being as a person is very much appreciated without conditions...basically i want to be at a place where i feel loved. and cherished. and appreciated. unconditionally. and this is only possible...with family. with my mom. my two little siblings whom i miss so much. and the band. and friends.

dont get me wrong. i like my life here. i have all the space i need, privacy and freedom to do as i wish. but nothing beats that feeling of being hugged by someone you love so much. nothing beats being around your family. nothing beats the fattening yet delicious food we have in brunei. ambuyat for example. i used to think that i am detached from all these things but they do come to your mind sometimes.

and i guess when things get a bit too lonely, when you feel like somehow youre struggling to even get through the day, when you feel like instead of looking forward to weekends you are dreading it, then at this point, it's like an automode to self-destruction. at least for me. and yet at the same time, you are like gasping for air while you are just simply drowning. and eventually you just get tired and just let go. hoping that somehow, maybe, miraculously, you'd find yourself shored. someway or another. what better place than... 'home'?

i did a lot of things today. i went to the bank to take out some money to pay rent. which is nice. and i decided to stay with the studio instead of letting it go during the summer........... sigh. a decision that i am wishing that i wont regret. and finally i did laundry. it was a killer experience. 6.50 euros to wash and dry clothes in the laundromat is....13 brunei dollars which equals 4 packets of ciggs. like fuck fuck fuck. forced myself to look at the bright side... my clothes are clean. i have clean clothes. and lost 6.50 euros! killl meeeee. i am trying to think of other things that i am supposed to do but i cant think of any. i suppose those are the only things that are done sooooo the things in my to-do list are done done done. i am dealing with an itchy throat though. like the coughing thing and so forth. sigh.


i also miss my turtles collection. and buttermilk chicken. and the salty sea. oven-baked sand. hot humid air. sweltering heat. grilled seafood. very cold coconut juice. sunset and sunrise over the horizon. these things are just.....calling me.