Saturday, May 25, 2013

Welcome to Paris!

I haven't been posting anywhere else other than Twitter or Facebook and these places are pretty open. I update stuffs there, put photos on and generally communicate with people. I doubt anybody still reads this blog. It hasn't been updated since 2009! I guess there are several reasons for this.

My huge relationship followed by huge break-up

Goes without saying. Found someone here at some point, was in a serious relationship and this continued for at least 2 years and somehow just ended abruptly. Because of the situation and complications that surround this relation (alteration over there peeps...), I had to keep my life private (isn't that how it is supposed to be anyway?). Hence, no blogging but I did start a blog where I chronicled my stay in Greece. A bittersweet and tumultuous stay. We no longer talk as that is what he wishes for and I totally respect this. That being said, it remains to be one of the relationships I had that really marked my life. 

Found Love again (and again)

Not long after the sudden break-up, I found comfort in a long-time ex. It was sort of our "last chance" but we blew it. Things have changed so much over the years and while he thought I was still the same old Fee who used to fuck things up, well I thought he changed to someone I basically didn't know and to some extent, could not love. Funny how life goes. It was only after this break up that I actually really got over him because all this while, I thought he was 'the one that got away'. Now, it's more like 'I was the one who got away'. I guess it's inevitable, when two people are drastically different and seeing how my views towards things in life have changed, the desire to stay with someone who you just don't connect with anymore fades. I won't say that it didn't hurt. Because I was. And I was severely disappointed but I have been waiting for so long for this 'reunion' to happen. And when it happened and it didn't work then it isn't meant to be now is it? 

(and again)

But as the saying goes, 'when one door closes, many others would open' and this was especially true. I finally decided to really give a chance to this person who I have known for a while but never really thought of making anything of it. Yet I did. And it turned out to be the most sane and the healthiest decision that I have made so far. Why? Because with him, things didn't have to be complicated. We are two people who love each other dearly FULLSTOP. No drama. That is how my relationship has been with him. Just simple, steady and loving relationship. He isn't always around but he's there. He gives me the freedom, the liberty and the space I need to grow because I am indeed still growing. Growing as a person, growing into the woman I want to be. We seldom fight but when we do, no harsh words are thrown around, no loud voices and especially no hurtful remarks. We try to rationalize things, we discuss, we talk. I think that this is how a real working relationship must function. 

Starting and finishing my degree

When I last wrote in this blog, I was still in CLA. I was...turning 20. I was not doing my degree yet. But September 2009 was when I started university for real and it was challenging. My first year in the university was just hell. And I got mediocre results. I was just not... ready. But when the first big break-up happened, well, it woke me up. It's ironic how harsh words from an ex would be the pushing force behind the motivation I had to succeed in my last year. It was haunting me all year. And like a haunted person, I studied and studied and studied and I got excellent results. The professors loved me. This life I led had its' consequences though. My circle of friends got smaller. I did not invest on my friends, especially the girls I was in class with who nevertheless helped me anyway. This is one of the things I regret. I had to reject a lot of invites to hang out all because I was busy...studying. So when university ended, it came as no surprise that I never really heard from any of them. And while I want to try to be a better friend, it's just too late. 

My move to Paris

However, 2012 did change my life. Thanks to all the hard work I put into my academics (and maybe less partying but then again, that's just my opinion), I have been accepted to pursue my Master's in Nice AND Paris. A lot of things came to mind when I got the letters. For the longest time, my dream was to go to Nice and live there. Sun and the beautiful French riviera right on my doorstep. The program was also a reputed one too. But helas, the program in Nice could still not compare to the program I got accepted to in Paris. I mean, it's...Paris. And the university is recognized world-wide. When I was doing some research on the university, I saw that they had exchange programs with Oxford (UK), King's College (UK) and Yale (US) just to name a few. How could I pass up on an excellent opportunity like that right? Still, one of the other BIG reason was that Nice is too far away from where my boyfriend works and lives. It's about 10 hours ride away from his military base (both cars and trains!) and this was too much. Being the realistic cynic I was, I knew that it wouldn't work very well if I was to go to Nice. The distance was too huge. And we were still a young relationship that was slowly becoming more serious. I wanted to give it a chance. Heck, I wanted to give ME a chance - to finally have that elusive long-lasting happiness. So I chose Paris. And I moved to Paris, living in a small chic studio near Louvre in the first arrondissement. 

And boy, was it a HUGE change. To recap, basically these were the cool things that I got to do or that happened to me. I became part of the University's debate team, participating in debates not only in France but also in other countries. We also debated against the best universities in Paris: Sciences Po, Polytechnique, Centrale to name a few. I also participated in a round table with alumni from Yale that turned out to be an enriching experience. I wined and dined with other prominent debaters and former debaters alongside ambassadors at the AssemblĂ©e Nationale. This I can tell you was one of the highlights for this year so far! I got to organise an event along with other dynamic young people in ESCP, an event which gave me the chance to meet researchers and even a famous jazz piano player. We mingled, we talked, we shared. But I also got to make new friends. Friends who I could really connect with. They are smart, intelligent and with big hearts. I call them my Parisian friends because well, honey, these Parisians are nothing like the french you meet elsewhere in France. 

That's just me naming some of the things I did so far in Paris. If I did not mention my program to be one of the cool things I did - it's not a coincidence. My program turned out to be a disappointing one. I kind of expected a more dynamic and challenging environment but it wasn't like that. It's very systematic and routine-like. I couldn't really bring myself to enjoy my experience as a Master's student there. Plus the huge, and I mean HUGE number of students in my batch made it really hard to really fit in and make friends. It's super competitive too so people tend to be more individualist. So my friends are composed of either people from the Faculty of Law or people from other institutions. 

The good thing about moving to Paris is that I get to keep my relationship healthy. At least for the first few months... because about two months ago, he was asked to go to Afghanistan for four months. Well two months have passed now and it. has. been. so. hard. But I am coping with this huge distance, even if there is a small part of me that resents the fact that he had to go. 

There. A little run-through of my life so far. I don't know if I will continue writing. We'll see. 

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