tete a tete?

i have been living alone here since the 24th. alone in a sense where i have to tend for myself, spiritually and emotionally isolated from those who i am very much close to. or is it now a 'was'? many have asked me why i chose france as a destination for my further studies. and i said, because it is the furthest from everyone. furthest in a sense that... there arent many here that i know. maybe i am trying to find myself. to have a fresh new page, where no one has any preconceived ideas about me... but that is impossible of course. because you know you cant run away from your demons. they will always follow you. people will always judge you. and along the way, i have learnt to just fuck everything they say. so what? it isnt my loss that they didnt give me a chance to prove who i really am, contrary to what they thought they knew about me. then again, what is there to prove? we are who we are. we can be who we want to be. in the end, it doesnt really matter, because in the end, we are all alone.

what are my dreams and vision now? i very much want to just settle down. and therefore, i have decided to stay where i am now and not find an appartment. too many changes have been going on in my life, i just couldnt handle another big change. to change to a new place means another tide of change and i have just started studying. i really cant afford to distract myself with anything else i suppose. i just want to immerse myself with the language, get to meet new people and settle down. may i just stress that? settle down. cause right now, i cant help but feel lost.

i live in a foyer... called La Cassotte. sounds fancy huh? it kinda is. the place is really nice, where students are also working. there are french students here and theyre very nice. so far, i havent met anyone who isnt nice here. my room is really okay too. it's small compared to the room i have in brunei, of course, but i must always remind myself that here, i am not who i was in brunei. i am only a humble student who has to do with that she has. but the room, is clean. the past few days, slowly, i injected my personality into it, making it more me, and maybe to make it feel more like... home.

my curtain is red. i have posters posted on my walls... one of marilyn manson and the other is... something quite crude but cool nontheless... then the maps of besancon posted just to inject more colour... i have my own toilet. my closet is, btw, in order (i cant rely on amah here... sadly) i love this place now. i just dont want to leave anymore.

here in france, i want to achieve what i came here for in the first place. i have dreams, i have my own vision of what i want to have. and i always want to have what i want.

that doesnt stop me from having fun of course. since i came here... i had had healthy doses of fun. and again, i wont elaborate but you know, the things teens do these days. you go out. shopping. sightseeing. meet new people. some boring, some interesting.

then again, it would be a lie to say i am not sad. cause sometimes, i do feel sad. sad that the loved ones are not here, that some are drifting away... only because they found new territories to cultivate all their attentions to. pretty pathetic but c'est la vie. but i must say, i dont feel repressed anymore. the freedom, ahh, i can breathe more easily now. to be able to make my own decision, to be able to do what i want to do when i want to and the way i want it to be... that feeling is... liberating. thing is, i know i wont abuse this feeling. i know better and i have been warned... i know my limits. it just depends on others whether or not they can trust me to know what my limits are.

i miss my mom and my siblings. i miss my guy. i miss the devil. i miss the beach, the heat... but i am thankful still. that now, i have me. that now i have my own thoughts. that now the mountains that surround this town never fail to astound me...

here's to life and a fresh new beginning. hi to all!