hi people. here is another one of those deep self-analytical entry. if you arent in the mood for that, then you are free to leave... :)
i notice that ever since i came here, i avoid deep intense conversation and that i avoid certain topics of my life and life in general. but today, we had that. the question of beliefs. karma. desire. the question of morality. to me, these topics would have been fine to be discussed before, back when i was in brunei and maybe the last few...years. yet, now that i am here, i have this idea in my head, this picture... i dont want to think too much about things. i dont want to analyse every details of my life. i dont want to waste my time complicating things which could just be made simple. i want things to be simple.
growing up, i analysed things too much. if you have read my previous blogs on my previous blog (cradle of the enlightened) or my previous previous blog (which was utterly depressive and borderline suicidal. HAHA.) you would...notice this. i was constantly questioning things. i always want to find meaning. but i gave that up now...
maybe the conversation we had in class today provoked all that again. the question of...karma. i used to believe in that so much. if i did something wrong, i would get something bad in the end. like a bad... consequence. it might not be now but maybe in the future and that isnt really a good thing now is it? seriously, i was such an avid believer that the moment i did something bad, i would immediately be thinking, "shit. now something bad is gonna happen...." and i would fret over it, anticipate it and at the same time, i dont really...live my life to the optimum. now, looking back, i felt that it was such a waste of time... fretting over something, worrying, constantly questioning and answering things in my head... because back then, whenever something bad happened, i would automatically blamed myself. "ah shit, it was because of what you did before you dumbass, you deserve this!" which in turn made me more depressed or sad.
and it isnt really fair to myself. people make mistakes and i seem to be doing that all the time so would i be forever blaming myself then? and so last year, i had this progressive change of attitude and this year, i made myself a list of resolutions that i would follow. the core is to not care so much. to fuck everything off and just stay true to what matters to me. i dont want to conform to social behaviours that are supposedly acceptable to others. why should i? if i think that it isnt wrong, then be damned with it, let me do it my way. life is too short, too crowded and chaotic to be worrying about whether or not i am living my life 'correctly'. these issues that were bothering me before, they dont bother me so much now. its like running away from problems to some people but really, it is a problem if you see it as a problem and hence i just develop a way to not see these things as...problems. you get? and so karma, is now, bullshit to me. sure you take consequence for your actions but they arent necessarily bad. theyre bad, if you see or you make it as bad...
"i feel so isolated. so out of touch with the world outside of me. so depressed and everyday is a struggle. a struggle. putting that smile on myself, forcing myself to be positive. forcing myself to excel even though what i really want to do is just hide... the feeling of this loneliness sometimes engulf me in words i cant describe. it comes like a tsunami, all at once and crushes me, over and over again. i feel battered..."
an extract of what used to be the things i wrote. :P (i do keep archives of things i wrote) as such, ah, i can never feel that way... again. i wouldnt. i feel that right now, all that matter is the moment. and how i chose to see it. we all have a choice on how we do things. how we live our lives....
another thing is this feeling of 'want'. i have this drive, this almost-obsession where i would want something, and i would try every means to achieve or to get it. and if i dont, i fall into this...slump. id beat myself over it. id think about it a lot. id question myself on why on earth didnt i get it. "did i not try too hard? why couldnt i work on it? is it me?" and i would fall further into this rut that i was in for a loooong time. well, i still think i have this...drive. but being here in france, and also having experienced a lot of tidal waves earlier this year, i am more relaxed. calmer. i just couldnt be bothered with beating myself over it. i look at things not as a puzzle but as a lump of things i just need to put into boxes, deal with it and then move on. i spent the last 19 years concentrating my life on getting away from brunei and when that happened, i am content now. the biggest 'want' of my life is now achieved. what else do i want? a job? a bigger salary? a better life? no, not really. i just want to be happy. and to be happy, i know i dont really need a job. or a lot of money. or a bigger salary. i just need to know how to live my life. and i think i am learning that now pretty fast...
okay, so i used to not like to dream about something. i ddidnt see it as an indulgence. i saw it as a waste of time... (well i did say that when i wanted something, i had to get it now did i?) but how i see it now is that...something becomes a dream when you want something but you cant have it. it isnt because of you or others. it's just because. maybe its fate. or maybe its how things are. and if you believe in God, well, maybe God doesnt want it for you. and so it becomes like a dream... and dreams are free. a little indulgence wont hurt now would it? and in this case, i do find myself having to follow things against the wishes of my heart but if i see it as a dream... then...
am i making sense?
nevertheless. i think i see things clearly now... i used to think that how i think or how i see things is me being somewhat heartless or near cold-blooded. but to be honest, i dont really see it that way. i just see it as practicality and a means to survive. a way to live as i chose it to be. dont you think so?
people come and go. but we do to. we come to people's lives, leaving marks all over the place and then we leave... why dont we make the best out of it?
i notice that ever since i came here, i avoid deep intense conversation and that i avoid certain topics of my life and life in general. but today, we had that. the question of beliefs. karma. desire. the question of morality. to me, these topics would have been fine to be discussed before, back when i was in brunei and maybe the last few...years. yet, now that i am here, i have this idea in my head, this picture... i dont want to think too much about things. i dont want to analyse every details of my life. i dont want to waste my time complicating things which could just be made simple. i want things to be simple.
growing up, i analysed things too much. if you have read my previous blogs on my previous blog (cradle of the enlightened) or my previous previous blog (which was utterly depressive and borderline suicidal. HAHA.) you would...notice this. i was constantly questioning things. i always want to find meaning. but i gave that up now...
maybe the conversation we had in class today provoked all that again. the question of...karma. i used to believe in that so much. if i did something wrong, i would get something bad in the end. like a bad... consequence. it might not be now but maybe in the future and that isnt really a good thing now is it? seriously, i was such an avid believer that the moment i did something bad, i would immediately be thinking, "shit. now something bad is gonna happen...." and i would fret over it, anticipate it and at the same time, i dont really...live my life to the optimum. now, looking back, i felt that it was such a waste of time... fretting over something, worrying, constantly questioning and answering things in my head... because back then, whenever something bad happened, i would automatically blamed myself. "ah shit, it was because of what you did before you dumbass, you deserve this!" which in turn made me more depressed or sad.
and it isnt really fair to myself. people make mistakes and i seem to be doing that all the time so would i be forever blaming myself then? and so last year, i had this progressive change of attitude and this year, i made myself a list of resolutions that i would follow. the core is to not care so much. to fuck everything off and just stay true to what matters to me. i dont want to conform to social behaviours that are supposedly acceptable to others. why should i? if i think that it isnt wrong, then be damned with it, let me do it my way. life is too short, too crowded and chaotic to be worrying about whether or not i am living my life 'correctly'. these issues that were bothering me before, they dont bother me so much now. its like running away from problems to some people but really, it is a problem if you see it as a problem and hence i just develop a way to not see these things as...problems. you get? and so karma, is now, bullshit to me. sure you take consequence for your actions but they arent necessarily bad. theyre bad, if you see or you make it as bad...
"i feel so isolated. so out of touch with the world outside of me. so depressed and everyday is a struggle. a struggle. putting that smile on myself, forcing myself to be positive. forcing myself to excel even though what i really want to do is just hide... the feeling of this loneliness sometimes engulf me in words i cant describe. it comes like a tsunami, all at once and crushes me, over and over again. i feel battered..."
an extract of what used to be the things i wrote. :P (i do keep archives of things i wrote) as such, ah, i can never feel that way... again. i wouldnt. i feel that right now, all that matter is the moment. and how i chose to see it. we all have a choice on how we do things. how we live our lives....
another thing is this feeling of 'want'. i have this drive, this almost-obsession where i would want something, and i would try every means to achieve or to get it. and if i dont, i fall into this...slump. id beat myself over it. id think about it a lot. id question myself on why on earth didnt i get it. "did i not try too hard? why couldnt i work on it? is it me?" and i would fall further into this rut that i was in for a loooong time. well, i still think i have this...drive. but being here in france, and also having experienced a lot of tidal waves earlier this year, i am more relaxed. calmer. i just couldnt be bothered with beating myself over it. i look at things not as a puzzle but as a lump of things i just need to put into boxes, deal with it and then move on. i spent the last 19 years concentrating my life on getting away from brunei and when that happened, i am content now. the biggest 'want' of my life is now achieved. what else do i want? a job? a bigger salary? a better life? no, not really. i just want to be happy. and to be happy, i know i dont really need a job. or a lot of money. or a bigger salary. i just need to know how to live my life. and i think i am learning that now pretty fast...
okay, so i used to not like to dream about something. i ddidnt see it as an indulgence. i saw it as a waste of time... (well i did say that when i wanted something, i had to get it now did i?) but how i see it now is that...something becomes a dream when you want something but you cant have it. it isnt because of you or others. it's just because. maybe its fate. or maybe its how things are. and if you believe in God, well, maybe God doesnt want it for you. and so it becomes like a dream... and dreams are free. a little indulgence wont hurt now would it? and in this case, i do find myself having to follow things against the wishes of my heart but if i see it as a dream... then...
am i making sense?
nevertheless. i think i see things clearly now... i used to think that how i think or how i see things is me being somewhat heartless or near cold-blooded. but to be honest, i dont really see it that way. i just see it as practicality and a means to survive. a way to live as i chose it to be. dont you think so?
people come and go. but we do to. we come to people's lives, leaving marks all over the place and then we leave... why dont we make the best out of it?
1 comment:
true that, fee =)
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