today started out a bit... weirdly. i feel so much stressed and my head is spinning (it still is...). is there any way i can handle this stress better? drugs anyone? (haha...)
my classes were as usual, great. i love what i am doing although i am starting to feel a bit... grrr... stressed? i cant help but think of what exactly am i doing here. it's like, you know that you are doing this course but you dont exactly know where it will bring you. and this uncertainty of where exactly i will end up is scary. all my life i have always known that i would get the scholarship, it was what i was working for all my life and now that i have it, it's like... um what? what now?
of course, at the same time, i do the things that are expected. go to class, learn something, socialise, live and basically just...live. the phase where i felt lost and a bit weird has now passed and now that i see things more clearly... it is a bit like going for a drive and just driving forward but not exactly knowing where to go? it's like, when you miss a turn, you just say... "um oops?" but you kept on moving anyway. is this normal? like, this is how life is right...? you just keep on going and going and see what adventures and what things you see on the way and still searching for that one place where you feel like you belong completely. where you feel complete. will this search ever end?
this search for a sense of belonging, a sense of completement (is there such a word? because i have no idea... we do have this word in french but it means a different thing...errrr...) is what constantly drives me forward. this search for something. always looking forward into...something and you just dont know what it is. being here doesnt help cause i am in a place where everything seems to stay the same. i am not in the place where everything seems to...move and change. and because i am a person who seems to complement her surroundings, this kind of place could drive me crazy by just staying...the same.
and if before i would just let this be, let this somekind of a rotting thing get me, now i move myself even though the things around me arent. forcing myself to do things. going out there (even though there arent that... many but is it really? since... if u dont go out and find out, how would you know right?) and try not to feel and depend so much because i really really dont want to repeat the same mistakes that i did... dependence. hope. faith.
i suppose i am thinking out loud. today has been stressful for me in so many levels. i am feeling things i am not supposed to feel, and before this would completely break me down... but i guess when you had your worse thing and managed to climb back up, the last place you'd want to go is to go back to the rot... so right now all i could do is just... go on and on and be accepting... disregard my feelings... be completely... zen?
yes. yes. i am a bit crazy. hahahahaha... :)
my classes were as usual, great. i love what i am doing although i am starting to feel a bit... grrr... stressed? i cant help but think of what exactly am i doing here. it's like, you know that you are doing this course but you dont exactly know where it will bring you. and this uncertainty of where exactly i will end up is scary. all my life i have always known that i would get the scholarship, it was what i was working for all my life and now that i have it, it's like... um what? what now?
of course, at the same time, i do the things that are expected. go to class, learn something, socialise, live and basically just...live. the phase where i felt lost and a bit weird has now passed and now that i see things more clearly... it is a bit like going for a drive and just driving forward but not exactly knowing where to go? it's like, when you miss a turn, you just say... "um oops?" but you kept on moving anyway. is this normal? like, this is how life is right...? you just keep on going and going and see what adventures and what things you see on the way and still searching for that one place where you feel like you belong completely. where you feel complete. will this search ever end?
this search for a sense of belonging, a sense of completement (is there such a word? because i have no idea... we do have this word in french but it means a different thing...errrr...) is what constantly drives me forward. this search for something. always looking forward into...something and you just dont know what it is. being here doesnt help cause i am in a place where everything seems to stay the same. i am not in the place where everything seems to...move and change. and because i am a person who seems to complement her surroundings, this kind of place could drive me crazy by just staying...the same.
and if before i would just let this be, let this somekind of a rotting thing get me, now i move myself even though the things around me arent. forcing myself to do things. going out there (even though there arent that... many but is it really? since... if u dont go out and find out, how would you know right?) and try not to feel and depend so much because i really really dont want to repeat the same mistakes that i did... dependence. hope. faith.
i suppose i am thinking out loud. today has been stressful for me in so many levels. i am feeling things i am not supposed to feel, and before this would completely break me down... but i guess when you had your worse thing and managed to climb back up, the last place you'd want to go is to go back to the rot... so right now all i could do is just... go on and on and be accepting... disregard my feelings... be completely... zen?
yes. yes. i am a bit crazy. hahahahaha... :)
No comments:
Post a Comment