we all want a place where we could feel safe. a place that feels like home and makes you feel at ease and at your best. a place where you feel like you have people with you who mean something to you and that you can have meaningful conversations with. that's a safe place for me. yet in life, we are always thrown to places far away from that 'safe place'. and there are reasons for this... we dont want to be too wrapped up in our own little worlds. the bigger world out there isnt safe, it's a jungle where everyone is basically looking out for themselves. that is the ultimate lesson, that at the end of the day, it's a matter of survival. everyone will just want to save themselves. you just have to keep up.
for instance, i wouldnt exactly say that i feel oh-so-safe here. i felt safe back home, despite the circumstances i faced, i felt safe anyway because i had my mother, my bestfriends and the people i love. i was doing things i love too. but at the back of my head i always knew that i would face the 'real world' soon enough... i wanted to anyway. so unconsciously i prepared myself for this. and i must say i did prepare myself well. being in the real world, makes life worth living. and then when i arrived here, completely alone when i first came, i immediately knew that wow, yes, they are right, this isnt going to be easy. and it wasnt. the language barrier, a totally new culture, different types of people... what is a little girl like me to do? i faced them... the first few weeks were rough, doing all these admin works, endless trips to prefecture, sfr, agency, househunting... new people entering and this was especially a problem.
letting people in has never been an easy thing you know? you know it has to be done, but that doesnt make it easy. so i felt unsafe, exposed, vulnerable. however, as my character wouldnt let me, i had to plough through... i had no choice. i might have made oh-so-many mistakes along the way but at the end of the day what mattered was that, i got through. and i settled in well, i had friends. but i guess the thing that still agonise me is... changes. when people left. it is especially so in my case where in my course, people dont stay. they stay for a while and they go and this constant change makes me more reserved than usual. it's like, nothing is ever permanent here.
if i had just stayed in brunei, i would be safe. but would it be living life to the fullest? if i dont do this now, then when would it be? why would i want to stay safe in brunei when i know that i would be staying there for the rest of my life and would end up feeling 'safe' anyway? it's a path. and i am still in it... and so far, i went through some sweet, bitter, painful times but these are still experiences. i know for sure now though that somehow right now, i feel...numb.
it's a familiar thing. what does one do when one feels...numb? auto-mode takes over. i continue doing the same things, despite feeling that hollow numbness. i am used to do this anyway...doing things unfeelingly. doing things without any particular emotions...
i am going home summer it seems... i am hoping that it will make me feel better. seeing my mother, my family, my friends over there, REAL sunshine with REAL heat... hopefully i will feel less cold inside. less...numb? i dont know.
the clock is ticking tick-tock tick-tock.
for instance, i wouldnt exactly say that i feel oh-so-safe here. i felt safe back home, despite the circumstances i faced, i felt safe anyway because i had my mother, my bestfriends and the people i love. i was doing things i love too. but at the back of my head i always knew that i would face the 'real world' soon enough... i wanted to anyway. so unconsciously i prepared myself for this. and i must say i did prepare myself well. being in the real world, makes life worth living. and then when i arrived here, completely alone when i first came, i immediately knew that wow, yes, they are right, this isnt going to be easy. and it wasnt. the language barrier, a totally new culture, different types of people... what is a little girl like me to do? i faced them... the first few weeks were rough, doing all these admin works, endless trips to prefecture, sfr, agency, househunting... new people entering and this was especially a problem.
letting people in has never been an easy thing you know? you know it has to be done, but that doesnt make it easy. so i felt unsafe, exposed, vulnerable. however, as my character wouldnt let me, i had to plough through... i had no choice. i might have made oh-so-many mistakes along the way but at the end of the day what mattered was that, i got through. and i settled in well, i had friends. but i guess the thing that still agonise me is... changes. when people left. it is especially so in my case where in my course, people dont stay. they stay for a while and they go and this constant change makes me more reserved than usual. it's like, nothing is ever permanent here.
if i had just stayed in brunei, i would be safe. but would it be living life to the fullest? if i dont do this now, then when would it be? why would i want to stay safe in brunei when i know that i would be staying there for the rest of my life and would end up feeling 'safe' anyway? it's a path. and i am still in it... and so far, i went through some sweet, bitter, painful times but these are still experiences. i know for sure now though that somehow right now, i feel...numb.
it's a familiar thing. what does one do when one feels...numb? auto-mode takes over. i continue doing the same things, despite feeling that hollow numbness. i am used to do this anyway...doing things unfeelingly. doing things without any particular emotions...
i am going home summer it seems... i am hoping that it will make me feel better. seeing my mother, my family, my friends over there, REAL sunshine with REAL heat... hopefully i will feel less cold inside. less...numb? i dont know.
the clock is ticking tick-tock tick-tock.
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