To provoke.

provocation.

provocative.

provoked.

ahhhh. you dont want me to be...provoked. :)

lets play the game. lets start from paris.


PARIS!!!!!!


:D ;)

i will do it my way then. from now on, it's me against everyone. walang iba. ako lang.


on verra.

Paris decisions.

i have been letting myself go for...um two days now. and tomorrow is the trip to paris... i am excited cause i am finally getting away from besancon, even for just the weekend... i dont think i would want to stay for long anyway. seeing and having realised that big cities are not meant for little fee. i called Pg and asked him for more details on the programme and well, we are free saturday. sooo we just need to do the obligation thing on sunday morning. m quite looking forward to that too. but but but. saturday is free... ( i am leaving my credit card at home ) and i will maybe meet this friend which is greaat.

what do i want to do in paris? hmmm... soak the city? thing is i was just in paris last... month. and i have visited most places to visit... i am not really sure of what to do. shopping is out of the question. i was just on a shopping spree recently, building up my defenses against the besontine winter, seeing how increasingly cold it has become the last few weeks.

tonight there is a reggae concert in one of the bars. i should go, but... i have to wake up really early tomorrow. decisions decisions. i should right? or not? ah i dont know. it would have to depend on the company.

nah some pictures. i know mom would like to see these pics. :)

(click on the photo to enlarge)









my first piece of art (or shit) :P

karma. desire. a goodbye to the past.

hi people. here is another one of those deep self-analytical entry. if you arent in the mood for that, then you are free to leave... :)

i notice that ever since i came here, i avoid deep intense conversation and that i avoid certain topics of my life and life in general. but today, we had that. the question of beliefs. karma. desire. the question of morality. to me, these topics would have been fine to be discussed before, back when i was in brunei and maybe the last few...years. yet, now that i am here, i have this idea in my head, this picture... i dont want to think too much about things. i dont want to analyse every details of my life. i dont want to waste my time complicating things which could just be made simple. i want things to be simple.

growing up, i analysed things too much. if you have read my previous blogs on my previous blog (cradle of the enlightened) or my previous previous blog (which was utterly depressive and borderline suicidal. HAHA.) you would...notice this. i was constantly questioning things. i always want to find meaning. but i gave that up now...

maybe the conversation we had in class today provoked all that again. the question of...karma. i used to believe in that so much. if i did something wrong, i would get something bad in the end. like a bad... consequence. it might not be now but maybe in the future and that isnt really a good thing now is it? seriously, i was such an avid believer that the moment i did something bad, i would immediately be thinking, "shit. now something bad is gonna happen...." and i would fret over it, anticipate it and at the same time, i dont really...live my life to the optimum. now, looking back, i felt that it was such a waste of time... fretting over something, worrying, constantly questioning and answering things in my head... because back then, whenever something bad happened, i would automatically blamed myself. "ah shit, it was because of what you did before you dumbass, you deserve this!" which in turn made me more depressed or sad.

and it isnt really fair to myself. people make mistakes and i seem to be doing that all the time so would i be forever blaming myself then? and so last year, i had this progressive change of attitude and this year, i made myself a list of resolutions that i would follow. the core is to not care so much. to fuck everything off and just stay true to what matters to me. i dont want to conform to social behaviours that are supposedly acceptable to others. why should i? if i think that it isnt wrong, then be damned with it, let me do it my way. life is too short, too crowded and chaotic to be worrying about whether or not i am living my life 'correctly'. these issues that were bothering me before, they dont bother me so much now. its like running away from problems to some people but really, it is a problem if you see it as a problem and hence i just develop a way to not see these things as...problems. you get? and so karma, is now, bullshit to me. sure you take consequence for your actions but they arent necessarily bad. theyre bad, if you see or you make it as bad...

"i feel so isolated. so out of touch with the world outside of me. so depressed and everyday is a struggle. a struggle. putting that smile on myself, forcing myself to be positive. forcing myself to excel even though what i really want to do is just hide... the feeling of this loneliness sometimes engulf me in words i cant describe. it comes like a tsunami, all at once and crushes me, over and over again. i feel battered..."

an extract of what used to be the things i wrote. :P (i do keep archives of things i wrote) as such, ah, i can never feel that way... again. i wouldnt. i feel that right now, all that matter is the moment. and how i chose to see it. we all have a choice on how we do things. how we live our lives....

another thing is this feeling of 'want'. i have this drive, this almost-obsession where i would want something, and i would try every means to achieve or to get it. and if i dont, i fall into this...slump. id beat myself over it. id think about it a lot. id question myself on why on earth didnt i get it. "did i not try too hard? why couldnt i work on it? is it me?" and i would fall further into this rut that i was in for a loooong time. well, i still think i have this...drive. but being here in france, and also having experienced a lot of tidal waves earlier this year, i am more relaxed. calmer. i just couldnt be bothered with beating myself over it. i look at things not as a puzzle but as a lump of things i just need to put into boxes, deal with it and then move on. i spent the last 19 years concentrating my life on getting away from brunei and when that happened, i am content now. the biggest 'want' of my life is now achieved. what else do i want? a job? a bigger salary? a better life? no, not really. i just want to be happy. and to be happy, i know i dont really need a job. or a lot of money. or a bigger salary. i just need to know how to live my life. and i think i am learning that now pretty fast...

okay, so i used to not like to dream about something. i ddidnt see it as an indulgence. i saw it as a waste of time... (well i did say that when i wanted something, i had to get it now did i?) but how i see it now is that...something becomes a dream when you want something but you cant have it. it isnt because of you or others. it's just because. maybe its fate. or maybe its how things are. and if you believe in God, well, maybe God doesnt want it for you. and so it becomes like a dream... and dreams are free. a little indulgence wont hurt now would it? and in this case, i do find myself having to follow things against the wishes of my heart but if i see it as a dream... then...

am i making sense?

nevertheless. i think i see things clearly now... i used to think that how i think or how i see things is me being somewhat heartless or near cold-blooded. but to be honest, i dont really see it that way. i just see it as practicality and a means to survive. a way to live as i chose it to be. dont you think so?

people come and go. but we do to. we come to people's lives, leaving marks all over the place and then we leave... why dont we make the best out of it?

Viewty VS Soul

hmm. this song depicts my mood at the moment...

what have i been up to? its been an interesting weekend. there was snow!! and i had my first snowball fight... between me and elizabeth and izat and the rest while we were on our way to 8th avenue... but that is just a part of it...

what have i got to look forward to this week... and the weeks to come? um, new lessons with supposedly new classmates??? NO... it's with the same teacher... the same people... and it is starting to... kill me. :) dont ask why. i will just end up bitching and er, that isnt really what i would like to portray here... tsk tsk...

well, this weekend will be...paris. the minister is coming~ and apparently we were kind of mentioned in the newspaper brunei... "currently there are 2 students...bla bla" you would think theyd bother mentioning our names but noooooo. sigh... bad people...

it's gonna be very cold ni... i hate having to wear all this heavy clothes... but one has to adapt no? it was fun tho, i hate to admit it. hahaha. please excuse me... it IS my first time u know. :P

i got myself a new phone too!! LG KU990... ;) LAWA. I AM IN LOVE WITH IT. but i still love my samsung SOUL... and both are really good phones... so i am confused. i cant decide which to use!!! :(

to H.

my missing lamp

i wish i could... turn back time somehow. i was fine earlier this year. i thought i was making a fine progress with my life, and then now i find myself thrown back. it's hard to discuss it. i just wish i could stop thinking about it all. like, i wish that there is a switch that i could turn off whenever i start thinking about things.

winter is coming, and the nights are getting longer... and colder. i really wish i have a good lamp. because then i could read better. who would have thought that a lamp could change your life? i love my studio right now, it's warm and cozy. but i feel that there isnt enough light... and not having enough light freaks me out... all the shadows and darkness are starting to get to me. i suppose i am one of those people whose moods compliments their surrounding. and with winter coming and with my lack-of-light, i am feeling a bit blue. so right now, i find myself constantly thinking about....getting a lamp. because usually, nights like this, i just love to lie down somewhere cozy and read a book. i have MANY novels to actually read now as I bought some when i was in london but i just dont have the...light for it. is this something totally trivial?

so, because i dont have the light to read... i end up online. or doing nothing. i want to get out of this...rut.

it doesnt help that i have nothing to look forward to this month. wait, i guess i cant wait to change class. i REALLY hope new people will come in this december's class. because my classes now are killing me... with 3 people and one teacher... it just doesnt work. i dont have homework to keep me preoccupied as well. instead i have all these shit problems i have to think about.

i guess it comes with being independent. i am still learning, but i am actually struggling as well. maybe i am just not used to not talking a lot. or not having the company. i miss my mom. seriously. late nights like this, i end up missing her. i miss our LOOOONNNGGG talks. i miss how we always talk aand i miss my late night phone conversations with Him as well. i just want to TALK. but now i find myself having to choose what kind of conversations i should be having with some people. like with this people, i shouldnt talk about this. with that person, i shouldnt touch that topic... i miss having like this one person i can talk ANYTHING about and not get judged. or analysed. or... anything. it's just friendly chat, banter or talk or whatever you may call it you know?

a friend brought up something recently, and it struck me hard as well... i miss beaches. i miss the heat and i miss tanning. i suppose i should be thankful as now i have the chance to experience the opposite. mountains and coldness i suppose? but i am such a beach and sunny girl at heart... its hard to be sunny and all shiny when you are constantly under a gray cloud and wrapped in a cold weather.


i want... my lamp. :s i need to fucking read something!!!

two worlds.

i need to re-focus.

get my vision straight, my aims in order and my priorities in line...

i cant do anymore of this shit...

lets start with you, you and you first.

enough.

ever since i came here i thought i could handle it well. i thought i would be strong enough to overcome whatever obstacles that come my way. having an LDR as well, i thought i could manage it well. but everything that i have expected turned out the opposite. it is like opening a dusty old closet and having the skeletons inside all stumbling out, all hitting me on the head and things i thought i have stopped doing or feeling are now slowly taking over me. i would love to think that i am this person who is happy, bubbly and sunny all the time. but i am not, you know? and that is what most people see me as. they have this vision of me, on how they expect me to be that sometimes even i myself get alienated with that they see me as.


there is this side of me that is inevitable. i get really moody sometimes. i get depressed, restless and unhappy. when these moments hit, i cry. or i hide. or i run away. a lot of factors can provoke this side of me. big changes. life-altering decisions. loneliness. and i have been getting a lot of this lately... hence, because of this side, i never really try to make new friends. i actually dont like the whole process of getting to know people. that is why it is hard when i was single... getting to know guys, especially guys in brunei just didnt interest me much. yet, i vowed to myself that i wont fall into that rut... and i managed so well earlier this year. but when i got here in france, i found myself falling and falling and falling...


i met and got acquainted well with some people in brunei before i went here. i got attached too. and these were huge developments, that i can tell you! i opened up... and then now, i find myself regretting it all. i shouldnt have. because this side of me, is like a curse. no one can ever truly understand.


i think the only person who truly can is my mother. i miss the moments where she would just go into my room and we will talk and talk and just talk. we never seem to run out of things to talk about... id just lie on the bed, her on my computer seat and we'll just chat away. when i am in my depressive mood, or when i am feeling particularly down, she would be able to sense it, and talk to me. really really talk me out of it. motivate me. giving me the reasons why i should continue this journey we all call...life.


and now, i find myself questioning the presence of certain people in my life... i used to believe that love and friendships can capture all but i dont see that now. the whole idea... is just...!@#$%^&*O



i feel so lonely here. and i find myself not having anyone to talk to. sure, i go out a lot. sure, my time here is somewhat packed but it just wont fill this hollow feeling...



"why do you have to be so sad anyway? youre there and you have your own life, you have ur freedom, you can do whatever you want"



and... i fall deeper into this rut. it's a confirmation of how... weak i am. and coming from a very significant person...




so what is the use of all these? egos are getting bigger... tension in the air... i find myself drifting away from all the people i love. people who promised to be...true... people who promised they wont change. but realistically...everyone changes...



no, dont try to understand me. i dont expect anyone to understand. i mean, everyone else can just very well continue on living their jolly pretentious life. i dont fucking care anymore.

i have had enough.

For you lot...

for the sake of updates. here is what i have been up to. i havent been feeling well... i am in one of those moods again. i am...brooding. and i want to run away again. dont these things ever stop? the feeling of wanting to just... disappear. the feeling of wanting to rip out the page where you accidentally spilled ink and it just wont go away...

but thats another story... i spent my weekend with my friends. further details on my facebook so it u lots are in mine then ud get more details... overall, it was GREAT. thank you! this is in Bonnay, about 30 minutes away from besancon.

crazy days.

it has been so crazy and i KNOW i havent been updating at all. my life here has been hectic, with a lot to do. and aah. the going-out with friends, my london trip the other day, my new class which has less hours but a hell lot of work... well its been busy. and hence this website has been dormant. i could always update i know that, but i am not really the kind of person who updates her happenings EVERYTIME it happens anyway. my life isnt exactly for show. i wouldnt want people to know what is really up with me... ;)

but here are pictures.



i miss everyone actually. my brother came to besancon to visit last weekend and now i miss him so much. it is sooo weird to have the place to myself again. but i have to continue. one thing that i have learnt to do very well here is to not get too sentimental or attached. and i think its a very good thing to learn. in CLA, i have been more or less mellow. this month has been quite mellow. its been cold, very cold and maybe that is why there hasnt been much. but weekends are still
weekends. its always so much fun.






ahhh anddd... i went to a halloween thing. that was great too. i was just a very simple white...#$%^&*(.

i have been good. really. i also had a housewarming thing at my place which ended really well. it was so much fun, and crazy too!